Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
You guys, last week was a long week. I can’t believe I’m saying that, as I had Monday and most of Wednesday off, but you can’t really count the Fourth of July as a day off because it is exhausting. If you’re not hopelessly trying to avoid all the drunk and disorderly people on the highway, you’re waking up from the sound sleep you fell into at the reasonable hour of 9 p.m. and screaming, “It’s the apocalypse!”
True story: I hate fireworks. I only go to Disneyland when I know they’re not going to happen, and if I have to see fireworks up close and personal, I am always the person huddled on the ground praying that I’m not accidentally ignited by the flames. Once, when I was living on my own, I was enjoying a movie on my laptop when I started hearing these horrifying sonic booms. Because I am a completely rational human being, I was immediately certain that San Francisco was under attack. No idea who would be attacking us at 8 p.m. on a Saturday night, just certain it was happening. In my haste to save humanity, I immediately called my mother and told her to hide, and ran outside (smart, right?) to see if there were any other survivors. What I found was a block full of people standing outside and smiling up at the sky. Continuing my logic, I was sure that these people were either trapped by some mind-ray I was immune to or in hysterics, and I cautiously approached my next door neighbor.”I heard it, but we seem to be fine. Is anyone hurt?” I said. My neighbor, to his credit, just pointed at the sky and said “Mark, those are fireworks,” in a slow and nonthreatening manner. God, I hate fireworks. You know what? Fireworks are assholes. Corgis, according to the internet, are also assholes.
I didn’t know this because I generally think they’re pretty cute, but then Allen pointed out that Corgis are not only assholes but out to ruin this awesome new streak of marriage equality. Why you gotta do that Corgis? What gays ever do to you? You know what, Corgis? Only gays and rich people adopt you, and the rich people who adopt you are usually gays. I have to be honest, this website is really making me look at Corgis in a different light. I am usually not a hater of any breed, but I cannot get down with any animals that are not down with marriage equality. Or animals that pee in pools. Or animals that bring wine to AA meetings. And I can definitely not get behind dogs that dress as KKK members. You guys, I didn’t even know this was happening. This is why I mainly stick with hamsters, who would never discriminate on the basis of race, creed, or sexual orientation.
Apparently, Moths don’t discriminate either, choosing to now spend their time not only scaring people when they float out of closets like evil harbingers of doom, but also crawling into the ears of children in order to cause them stress, fear, and a glimpse of mortality. Let me be clear with you on one point: if a moth, or any other bug for that matter, crawls into your ear, go immediately to the emergency room. Do not pass go. Do not try to flood your ear with water in order to drown the moth in your cavern of earwax. Moths are stubborn, and as a 12-year-old in Denver learned, they cannot be killed with water. When the boy’s mother finally took him to the emergency room, the doctors had to pull the moth, still alive mind you, from his ear where it had decoded that it would take up permanent residence. Doesn’t this remind you of that horrible story we all heard as kids about spiders laying eggs inside people’s faces? Thanks, internet, now I will never be able to sleep again.
That’s it for this week! Please send me links for next week and have a safe and bug-free Wednesday!
Top 10 Links of the Week!: A gay pride march through veganism! »
[This is ridic. BTs rule. Can’t see the video? Watch it on Vegansaurus.com!]
The Fourth of July is upon us! Paw Nation has 10 Tips to Prevent Pet Firework Fears. BTW: This episode of Top 10 Links of the Week is brought to you by the number 10! And the letter AWESOME.
WTF. Teenage male dolphins totally beat up porpoises! For fun! Or because of sexual frustration, says one scientist. I know I should have more jokes about this but Grist pretty much hit them all. Hilarisad.
On the ad beat again! Fearless Revolution, blog of ad darling Alex Bogusky, is backing Meatless Monday! Now if only I could get my agency to do it. Or at least just my table! I brought them vegan donuts this past Monday and everything, what more do they want?!
Top 10 Things you Need to Know About the Farm Bill. Food subsidies are bullshit!
Check out Laura’s Week in Vegan! Leave her a comment! She loves attention!
Aspen goes Meatless! For Mondays, at least. Everything I know about Aspen comes from Aspen Extreme.
My discussion topic of the week!: This Dish is Veg has the story on a proposed Dutch ban on killing unstunned animals. Jewish and Muslim communities are saying this violates their religious freedoms. What do you think about navigating these religious waters when it comes to animals rights? I feel like it’s one of the hardest issues because it’s not like, oh, meat is yummy, it’s like a cultural sensitivity thing. Nobody wants to be ethnocentric but, at the same time, fuck you guys for hurting animals! Also, does stunned mean electrocuted? Because that sounds painful too.
Top 10 Smartest Animals! Number eight? Pigeons! My beloved!
Top Five Animals Going Extinct Because Some Guy Can’t Get it Up. Hilarious downer from Grist! But Grist, today’s episode was brought to you by the number 10, not five. Get it right next time.
Unhealthy Vegans have the story on LA Vegan Beerfest! Lots ‘o pictures! Including this super awesome one:
What do you think? Best vegan tattoo you’ve seen? Seen better?
Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
You guys, the sky is falling! The world is ending! We have like two minutes before the sun falls into the Earth and incinerates us! And I had more WTF links this week than I have ever had before. I didn’t even have to go scrounging through the dark alleys of the internet to find something to be angry about, because you brought it right to me! Actually, that may be more of a sign that the apocalypse isn’t happening. Let’s just withhold judgment for now!
First up, dead birds have been falling out of the sky all over the country. There are several explanations for the birds’ deaths. For example, on the science side of things we learn that the birds may have been confused by fireworks (although many are skeptical), hit by lightning, or suffered some other kind of trauma. In fact, mass die-offs (have you ever heard a term more romantic? Thanks, Rachel!) apparently happen fairly regularly and are generally considered to be a fact of life. So what’s different this time? Why are we getting all freaked out? Technology! Before, people knew about the deaths, people sometimes cared, and I imagine that it was probably reported on the local news or whatnot. Now: THE INTERNET! Yes, friends, the www is awesome for getting your porn fix and reading the latest about crazy people, but it is also good for FREAKING YOU THE FUCK OUT! Honestly, with one click you can find something to horrify you on the internet, and with the speed that information is being transmitted and then rewritten by each individual site, it is no wonder that these bird deaths have become a harbinger of doom as opposed to a really sad occurrence. Of course, if this doesn’t work for you, there is another explanation: GOD!
In this video, Cindy Jacobs of Generals Ministries reveals that the massive die-offs are a direct result of the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell repeal. She even has reasons why the birds fell in Arkansas—Clinton!—and suggests that even worse things will happen if this great nation allows homosexuals to marry. I actually didn’t know that God held such stock in American politics, nor that he wasn’t above randomly killing some birds and some fish to get his point across. Also: I know that this has already been said like 5 million times, but why is this woman dressed like Eddie Izzard? What is going on here?
In other news, Americans are still shooting at anything they find strange. Tim sent me an amazing story about how people deal with things they do not know about over in Kentucky. To summarize: Man sees something moving in a field; man does not know what this moving thing is; man shoots the thing; and people speculate on the strange thing’s identity. I cannot honestly do this article justice (congratulations, Tim!) because the farmer interviewed has produced one of the most frightening quotes I have ever read.
"I just happened to walk out on the porch and saw something moving in the field and it just looked unusual…. Well, it’s something strange, so I got my rifle to shoot it, get a closer look. And I’m glad I did, ‘cause I don’t know what it is."
This is just the American Way, right? Shoot first and ask questions later. The most interesting part of this article is that the “Chupacabra-like” animal wasn’t even doing anything—the guy had to look through binoculars to see it and then he just decided to shoot it to get a closer look. I wonder how these people feel now that they know that the strange evil being was actually just a bald raccoon. Regardless, I doubt that they’re going to feel much remorse, as scientists agree that the “thing” was “hideous.” Way to go, human race!
That’s all for this week! Next week, we get angry about horse abuse, zebra shootings, and anything else that you guys send my way. Please email me links for next week and have an awesome Wednesday—just don’t look too strange!
Elizabeth made a new year’s fireworks cupcake!