Vegansaurus NYC: Bonobo’s Real Food  »

For the past few months, my life in New York City has revolved around the strange non-neighborhood that is “Flatiron.” Not quite Midtown, not quite downtown, not even the fucking Upper West Side, this strange little corner is where people go en route to somewhere else. That is how I walked by Bonobo’s dozens of times, not realizing that it was actually a place for eating. It’s covered by scaffolding and obscured by a Quizno’s and a Southern-themed restaurant called Live Bait that serves Hurricanes (naturally, I have been there).

a bonobo!Finally, one night on the way to work, I stopped in and picked up some dinner, wanting to eat something healthy and not the pizza my work provided on the weekends. I still ended up having some pizza. Why? Because Bonobo’s ended up being made of fail.

Bonobo’s has a cooler with foods that are already prepared, so I decided to just make a selection there. If there’s one thing that vegan restaurants and Latino people have in common, it’s that we are both agonizingly slow at everything. So, I knew better than to ask them to prepare me something. I believe that was probably my fatal error.

After throwing down my hard earned $15 dollars for the privelege of a “Nori roll” with “nut pate” (anything described as “nut meat” that’s not in the description of a gay porno flick is not cool!) and a “raw coconut chai” the dubiousness began to seep in. My family didn’t come to the United States 30 years ago so that I could pay $15 dollars for food that wasn’t even cooked. They came to give us a better life, and I knew, upon biting into the first tasteless roll, that the better life did not involve this.

OK look, I’m not a raw foods girl; If it’s not deep-fried, I am probably not interested in it. But, I’ve been to Cafe Gratitude. I’ve gotten down with it. I have a palate, I swear. However, I can not abide by this foolishness. The side salad the nori rolls came with was no different than the loose spring mix you can buy at any grocery store. Not even the dressing could salvage it.

The one positive item was the coconut chai. But really, how can you go wrong with coconut water and some spices? That’s cheating.

In conclusion: I think I like looking at pictures of bonobos versus actually eating there.

[Image by Flickr user Jeroen Kransen via Creative Commons]

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