vegansaurus!

Bender’s Bar!

UPDATE:

Bender’s has a new menu because Weird Fish is whack and ended the satellite kitchen. HOWEVER, they have stuff that can be made vegan and are CARRYING DAIYA CHEESE NOW! All right now, yall.

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

Okay. So I heard from KevinMonty that Bender’s Bar has a very similar menu to Weird Fish, so I had to check it out. He’s right! and further, it’s actually a Weird Fish satellite kitchen! So it’s like Weird Fish but even closer to my house and EVEN BETTER because

1. It’s HUGE so there’s a better chance you’ll get a seat!
2. It’s a bar so even if you don’t get a seat right away, you can play pool, darts or pinball, and have a delicious margarita! And the drinks are cheap! Which brings me to my next point
3. Nothing but NOTHING goes better with a basket of beer-battered and deep-fried seitan and fries than cheap beer. Except maybe cheap margaritas.
4. Bender might be best character ever on TV? I mean, except for Nibbler*. And Al Bundy. NO MA AM!

Last night, I ate so so so so many Fried Yo-Yos (pickles! SO GOOD!) with vegan ranch dressing, beer-battered seitan with sesame-ginger sauce, french fries, and seitan tacos that I am now a complete person. Or at least a fatter one. AND GUESS WHAT: IT WAS WORTH IT, FOLKS. Next time, I’m getting a veggie Philly cheesesteak (sans cheese, unless they offer it with vegan cheese! Which they might! Because they do at Weird Fish!) and the seitan Buffalo Girls (pictured)! That might be tonight, actually. The Weird Fish satellite kitchen at Bender’s is open Tuesday through Saturday (on Sunday they have free BBQ—which I cannot speak to except that it’s probably gross—and on Monday, there is a sushi happy hour and there are apparently quite a few vegan options—I’ll check it out and report back! THE THINGS I DO.)

*Not to be confused with the equally awesome and somehow even more adorable Nibbler, Vegansaurus’ favorite bunny and spokesrabbit!

UPDATE: We did some follow-up research in regards to Hallie’s comment, below, regarding the batter. The result? ALWAYS ASK. Sometimes they run out of the vegan batter, in which case they make a non-vegan one. Always ask!

UPDATE 1/28/10: Bender’s no longer has the WF Satellite kitchen but has a new menu with some vegan options. Have yet to try it but am a little worried. SAD DAY.

Loving Hut!

Loving Hut. Yes, it has the grossest name around. Loving Hut. It reminds me of somewhere a girl would go to lose her virginity to an elder. And I mean ELDERLY elder. I’m Gonna Puke Hut.

Other than that, this place is delightful. I am reviewing the SF location today but there are two others that just opened in Palo Alto and Milpitas. It’s apparently part of a huge chain that’s all over Taiwan, Vietnam and Hong Kong. It’s a Ching Hai Enterprise and so is filled with cult like awesomeness, including a large TV that plays Supreme Master TV on loop. I don’t get to watch much TV and I love it/hate it/want to marry it so when I’m in a room with one, my eyes immediately wander towards it. However, since SMTV is basically unwatchable insanity, it was both a blessing (to my friends who enjoy my company SO MUCH) and a curse (to ME, can we get some Gossip Girl up in here?!).

The menu is available to download on their website (and you would be silly not to take the delightful food tour on the same page) but don’t expect to find the exact same menu at the restaurant you go to. The prices are also totally different. But the weird thing is, they’re cheaper at the restaurant than on the site. I don’t know what that’s about, some sort of reverse bait and switch?! Mama like! Most of the food is Chinese with some Vietnamese influences and a slight touch of crazy town. They also have a section of the menu titled, “Western Food” which is basically burgers, club sandwiches and spaghetti. See above about crazy town. So far, the standouts have been the Triple Happiness (pictured below, it’s like these deep fried layers of gluten, taro and bread. Kinda like a savory gluten baklava. I think. Just try it. I think. Basically, you’ll either love it or think it’s kinda funky. Russian Roulette!), Ocean Platter (basically a big platter of delicious fried foods and yummy dipping sauces, a huge hit with everyone), Spicy Cha Cha (yam crescents that are deep fried to look and taste like shrimp HOW DO THEY DO IT) and the Won Ton Noodle Soup (with fake pork! SO GOOD!). The Guru’s Curry and Veggie Stew are also delicious, basically just big pots filled with potatoes, carrots, and soy protein chunks (beef-esque. also, that’s a great fake word) in a yellow curry/gravy mixture. They have white and brown rice available and lots of drinks (NO ALCOHOL! Ching Hai does NOT imbibe!), ranging from the tasty (vegan Thai iced tea!) to the insanely foul to adults/insanely delicious to kids (some sort of tropical drink mixture with vegan gelatin in it. I don’t know, I think I’m 10 sometimes and so I ordered it and then it came out and it was like drinking warm liquefied jello. Raunchy.)

They have desserts too, stay away from the cakes (sub-par Black China) and go for the fried bananas and ice cream! Soon they’re supposed to have fried ice cream (!!!) but they haven’t perfected it at the SF location and so we wait. Eagerly. I want that g-d fried ice cream. It’s available in Palo Alto currently so strongly considering making the drive in 5 minutes, JOB BE DAMNED! WHAT HAVE YOU EVER DONE FOR ME! BESIDES GIVE ME MONEY AND A SENSE OF PURPOSE! I say, nuts to THAT! I need fried ice cream like I’ve never needed anything! Actually, to be real, I need fried ice cream like I need a hole in the head. I just really want it. Really, really, very badly. I mean doesn’t that sound amazing? Also, I almost accidentally typed “friend” instead of “fried” ninety times in the above paragraph. What that says about me, I do not want to know. Probably that I’m really cute and fun.

Okay, also, two more quick awesome things. According to Loving Hut, SF is located in Canada. I feel like if this election doesn’t go well, this map will be called foreshadowing as half of SF is likely to move there. SNAP! Kind of! Also, the interior of the SF Loving Hut is like eating in the Taiwanese future. It’s all super bright and clean with floating hearts and shit. You sort of expect your waitress to be one of the Jetsons. Love it. This place is good for dinner with a few friends but not going to be great for large groups and not at all romantical. Unless you think Clockwork Orange is sexy and then, eat here and after that, check yourself into the psych ward, you sick fuck! Alternately, CALL ME!

Ali Baba’s Cave!

Okay, what genius/saint thought it smart to grind, spice and fry chick peas into little fried balls of perfection? I’d like to shake that man’s hand and then possibly simulate oral sex on his fingers. Was this man Jesus himself? I’m not one to speculate on whether or not Jesus invented falafel balls but whoever did most likely can do other crazy shit like turn water into wine and start enormous holy wars based strictly on the debate of his existence. To you, sir, I say, BRAVO. I also say, PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST!!!

The falafel at Ali Baba’s Cave is really very yummy and you can add fried eggplant and fried potatoes and fuck if that isn’t the trifecta of fried deliciousness. However, i’m gonna be forced to take one demerit point because these fools NEVER listen to you and I think it’s worse if you’re a woman. Listen, I understand that i’m the weaker and stupider sex*, but if I say no fucking hot sauce, I mean no fucking hot sauce this whitey will DIE. And I know you don’t value my life because I am a woman but um, I don’t know what to say. I really have no ground to stand on when who I fundamentally am is a second class citizen at best and a wretched, whiny, bleeding, nagging, hooker beast at worst. What can you do? The falafel is REALLY good. It’s so good, in fact, that the other night, I exited Ali Baba’s Cave on a complete falafel cloud of happiness. I was so excited and happy about everything that I yelled, “cute dog!” to a guy and his super cute dog as they drove by. The guy gave me a puzzled look and as he rounded the corner, I noticed that what I saw in the back seat was not, in fact, a dog but rather, a very old and very short lady with curly white hair. Presumably his grandmother. I am an asshole. Also, this falafel? Possibly magical as it creates illusions of the eye. Also, I am an asshole.

Oh and there are two locations for your falafel pleasures, one in the Mission and one in the Lower Haight!

*This is a proven fact. Please don’t argue with me about “Right to Vote” and “Able to Show Face Flesh in Public”, Lucy Liberal and Esther Equality. Just get back in the kitchen and finish my pot pie, bitches! And if you forget the carrots like last time, there will be hell to pay. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I will murder your whole family.

Weird Fish!

Weird Fish. Okay. First, their mascot is a fat mermaid. DOPE. Second, they have lots of vegan options, including vegan fish and chips (made with either tofu or tempeh!) on a bed of regular and sweet potato fries, seitan buffalo wings (WHAT) and deep fried green beans (WHAT) and pickles (WHAT) with vegan dipping sauce (WHAT) and c) THEIR MASCOT IS A FAT MERMAID. I love me a fat mermaid. I want this bitch to have a smack down with Ariel in the 24th Little Mermaid and possibly eat her and then turn the prince not gay. Because the prince is about as butch as these fools having an orgy with these fools. Sorry, I know this is a blog about eating and now I’m about to make you lose your lunch.

Oh, they also serve a really great brunch on the weekends. They have a specific tofu scramble but you can substitute tofu in any of the egg dishes instead.  Vegan bacon, vegan sausage and vegan CHEESE (I believe it’s Follow Your Heart) They even have vegan pancakes!!! SO EXCITING!!! It’s so great to go to brunch and be able to eat something more than dry oatmeal with a side of hunger pains and/or hep C. I’m looking at you, dirty ass IHOP.

A few more things. This place is a good date restaurant but not great for groups, as it is very tiny. Be prepared for a wait most nights, you can sit at their TEENY TINY bar in the back of the restaurant or wait outside with your wine at the bus stop, like a hobo. Speaking of wonderful alcohol, they have a small but good wine and beer list, no hard liquor. Their desserts are weak and expensive. Skip them and walk or hop on the bus up Mission to Maggie Mudd’s instead for a deeeeelicious sundae of deliciousness.