Demetri Martin schools us on vegan vocab! »
You guys! Demetri Martin defines “Strict Vegetarian” for us: “That’s someone who eats only fruits and vegetables that have been disciplined in some way—like, for example, corn that was grown in a perfect row, or grapes that were stomped by someone in uniform.”
Finally! We know what a strict vegetarian is! I’m sure it counts for “strict vegan” too. If you don’t know who Demetri Martin is, you are probably over 25. Well, Old Person, he’s a hilarious comedian! And we’re kind of lovers because I saw him at a comedy show once and I told him he was funny and he said “thanks” and I ran away. What I’m trying to say is yes, I’m pregnant with his baby (at least I think it’s his baby. Fingers crossed!). As the mother of (maybe) his child, you can imagine I was a little hurt he didn’t give me first dibs on this exclusive but I guess this will do: Esquire has posted an excerpt from Martin’s book, This Is a Book.
What’s more, the excerpt is for some reason all about vegans and raw food and whatnot! This is my favorite diet phase he enters: “Then I decided to eat only raw foods that had the letters from the word ‘vegan’ in their name (like ‘agave’). I was, at that point, what they call a ‘Literal Vegan’ (a vegan whose diet is based on wordplay).”
See, he’s funny. I like that for his book, he probably just sat down and shat onto a page and then Random House was all, “HERE’S A MILLION-DOLLAR ADVANCE AND SEVEN GIRLS IN TOMS SHOES.” Ugh, our lives are so very different! And by different, I mean his life is considerably better! Large-nosed-white-men-who-tell-jokes-in-the-style-of-Mitch-Hedberg-but-who-aren’t-quite-as-funny-as-Mitch-Hedberg-RIP, I salute you. You have really “gotten one over” on America. Good job, dudes!