Pizza Plaza in Oakland has TEESE! And they DELIVER! They’re just not very GOOD!  »

They deliver to you in Oakland, SUCKAS! Well, actually, that might make me the sucker because Pizza Plaza pizza is just not that good. Dry crust, hardly any toppings: it’s a void of deliciousness. My last order was over a month ago (before they got Teese) and it was basically inedible, and I don’t use that term lightly because I’ll eat some questionable shit and I’ll like it.

The thing is, I WANT to support them. They’re local, they’re all vegetarian with tons of vegan selections, they’re super nice, they DELIVER, they have the new Teese which melts and stretches and is DELICIOUS and yet, their pizza gives me the sads. I cry pepperoni tears, much like this pizza below MADE BY A PROFESSIONAL ARTIST:

Seriously, the last time I got the garlic bread and it was so dry, I almost choked on it. HAZEL DIDN’T EVEN WANT IT. This dog eats feces, mmmkay?* Anyway, maybe it’s gotten better with the addition of Teese? Who is brave enough to order and let us know!? Will it be you? And maybe, just maybe, someone out there is an expert pizzaiola/o and wants to work with Pizza Plaza to create a superior product? IS THAT YOU? Because I love them and I want them to be the amazing best pizza in the land. I know it can happen. Let’s do this, vegans.



Give yourself the gift of a DOWNER  »

I know not everyone watches as much TV as I do so I’m not sure if you’ve all seen the latest KFC commercial.* It’s a peach. Just kidding, it’s crazy! They tell you to “give yourself the gift of time,” this holiday by getting their $19.99 “Festive Feast” for your special dinner. They want you to make a TRADITION out of it. Dudes, that’s fucking TRAGIC. I can only imagine that you would only buy this meal for Christmas or your holiday of choice if you really had to because you can’t cook and can’t afford anything else. That is such a downer, KFC. Like I said, TRAGIC. It’s especially a tragedy considering the cost of KFC to your health and the planet is way more than $19.99.

This is my favorite scene in the commercial:

They have this winter wonderland thing going on with snow and all and then this giant snowball drops down! But wait! That’s not a snowball! Gross.

The truth is that you don’t have to eat KFC’s “feast.” If you have no money and aren’t the best cook, you can still make a great family meal. Actually, in my family, on Christmas eve our traditional meal is spaghetti! Spaghetti is cheap! Math time! Let’s look at the figures:

Walgreens sells Barilla spaghetti (16 oz.) for $1.59 and Ragu pasta sauce at two jars for $3; that’s $4.59 with extra sauce to boot! They also have garlic salt for $.99 and olive oil for $3.49, and my corner store sells french bread for $.99; for $5.47 you’ve got garlic bread (with plenty of olive oil left over). For vegan meatballs, I’m afraid you won’t have any luck at Walgreens—though in SF and NYC, you might find some at your corner store (we live like liquor store kings!). has Nate’s meatless meatballs for $5.29 so I’d imagine they’d be priced similarly at the grocery store. All together, that’s $15.35 and you’ve got sauce, olive oil, garlic salt, and probably meatballs left over. BOOM! Yummier and cheaper than the KFC meal!

So this year, give yourself the gift of spaghetti! Yay!

*That link is probably temporary. But see it now!

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