Review: Walzwerk!  »

Vegetarian schnitzel, y’all!

Sprechen Sie fucking delicious?


I’ll stop!

Walzwerk is kinda the cutest, kitschiest, most adorable restaurant this side of the wall. It’s tiny and perfectly decorated and if this is what it means to be a pinko bastard then sign me up!

First and foremost: the potato pancakes are vegan and they are GOOD. It’s hard to find a potato pancake that isn’t also filled with egg grossness so this is an exciting find. Tell them that you’re vegan and they’ll grimace and tell you to eat meat and then give you extra applesauce instead of sour cream. The fact that these are vegan makes coming to this restaurant worth it. Just come and get three orders and an Alsterwasser (that’s half-beer, half 7-Up, 100 percent CRAZY GERMAN) and you’re set. I’ve often said, if the potato were an animal, I don’t know if I could be vegan, I just love to eat them so g-d much! But I bet a potato would be a creepy little animal anyway, running around and biting ankles and shit, living underground, being evil. It would have to be eradicated and I would be just the woman for a job. There’s a comic in there.

Other vegan food stuff they offer include veggie stuffed cabbage roulade, veggie beet soup (VERY GOOD), and cucumber and dill salad (VERY GOOD). There is also an awesome selection of German beers that go perfectly with this hearty food, especially the crazy beer/7-Up/coke-and-beer combos! Those crazy-ass Germans! They are SO WEIRD!

All this and at the end of the night, you don’t exit into terrifying 1985 East Germany but instead into exciting 21st century San Francisco, where you are free to do lines of cocaine off of a hooker’s tits until you pass out in a pile of your own vomit. What can I say? We gots it good!

Auf Wiedersehen, bitches!!!

[Fernsehturm image via Walzwerk]


Review: Rosamunde Sausage Grill!  »

Rosamunde is a shitbox hole-in-the-wall where you can order all kinds of gross-ass dead animal sausages and a couple vegan sausages. I believe they use Tofurky brand. The sauerkraut is first-rate and the grilled onions are delicious too. Basically everything you ever wanted to put on a sausage and the buns are terrific! And I’m not talking about the crazy German lady who works there! Or if I am, I’m also talking about the actual sausage buns too! The pickles are NYC Jewish deli-style too, definitely worth the buck. Other than that, you can’t really eat in but you can take your sausage to one of the 54 bars nearby and enjoy it with some beer. Sausage and beer, people love that, right? I think that’s how it goes, fuck if I know, I’ve checked out of relating to the human race like three years ago.

A final note: Whenever I come in here, I feel like recreating the breakdown scene from Half Baked* but with sausage. First I would point to the dead chicken sausage and say, “Fuck you!” and then I would point to the dead lamb sausage and say, “Fuck you!” and then I would point to the vegan sausage and say, “You’re cool!” and then, “I’m out!” Actually, I would prolly say, “I’m out, bitches!” but that wouldn’t be staying true to the film. And if I’m anything, it’s accurate. And very good-looking.

*This is a really great movie, by the way. It was written by Dave Chappelle, directed by Tamra Davis (WHO ALSO DIRECTED THE PEERLESS BILLY MADISON and is married to Beastie Boy Mike D!) and has a cameo by Tommy Chong as the Squirrel Master. Have I piqued your interest?

[photo via yelp]

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