vegansaurus!

10/03/2009

Spotted at Trader Joe’s: delicious vegan apple strudel! Delicious I say!

Spotted at Trader Joe’s: delicious vegan apple strudel! Delicious I say!

09/09/2009

Ted’s Market!  »

It’s all well and good that we have restaurants like Herbivore and Cha-Ya, fine all-vegan establishments that they are. But vegans don’t have to be ghettoized, consigned to eat only with our own kind in where places no gung-ho carnivore would set foot*. Sometimes vegan options turn up in the most unexpected places. It’s like finding Incan gold** (um, except without the genocide).

Ted’s Market is a corner store deli (but not on the corner, go figure) with your usual array of sandwich fixings. The real reason to come here, though, is the vegan salami sandwich. Get one with avocado, hold the cheese & mayo, and delight in the fact that you can enjoy your neighborhood deli just like the “normals”***. I’m not saying Ted’s can hold a candle to Ike’s Place, but it’s a nice alternative when you can’t make it all the way to the Castro, say. Moreover, Ted’s proves the point that a business can make small concessions like this to vegans without bending over backwards, and everybody ends up happier. Except for those of us who show up after 5:00, when the deli counter closes.

The website notes that, “there is one vegetarian/vegan soup offered daily (subject to cook’s temperamant.[sic]” Love this for many reasons: sassy cook, sassy website, sassy spelling! Bring us the sass, Ted! Oh, they also have vegan chili! Get that when you’ve had your wisdom teeth out like me and can’t eat hard foods. In fact, I am very pathetic right now. Send me ice cream. And money. Mainly money, seems to be the only cure for this HORRIBLE HORRIBLE PAIN.

*Although, it must be noted that many gung-ho carnivores go apeshit for places like Cha-Ya that don’t offer any fake meat because they feel the food is more pure and vegans should just eat vegetables and wheatgrass. These people are ASSHOLES. I don’t eat meat not because it doesn’t taste good, but because I don’t want to contribute to the destruction of the earth and its inhabitants, ASSHOLE.

**That’s today’s history lesson, Sherman!

***normals = ASSHOLES!

08/27/2009

Overachiever Violet Sweet Shoppe has started selling cookies, banana bread, and poundcake at Rainbow! Can you say “woo hoo”?
I can’t, my mouth is full!

Overachiever Violet Sweet Shoppe has started selling cookies, banana bread, and poundcake at Rainbow! Can you say “woo hoo”?

I can’t, my mouth is full!

08/14/2009

Plane Trip Friday: Oryana Natural Foods Market in Traverse City, Michigan!  »

I recently had the privilege of spending a summery week in Michigan’s Northern Lower Peninsula. This was fun for me because it’s like a beautiful summer camp of Americana and wine and cherries and cherry festivals (it’s the Cherry Capital of the World, if you didn’t know), but it probably would not be so fun for you because it is also a place where the local cuisine centers around pieces of prime rib bigger than your head, fried lake perch, and a thing that is like a casserole of whitefish, cheese and cream, with crackers. However, do not let this dissuade you, vegan, from visiting this most beautiful and adorable part of the country (in the summer months!) You are covered in the delicious food department!

Oryana, the lovely and full-service 35-year old (!) health food co-op at the corner of E. 10th and Lake Streets in (did I mention adorable?) downtown Traverse City!

Those visiting from San Francisco will probably draw comparisons with Rainbow Grocery, our own 30-plus-year-old health co-op. Oryana is a bit smaller, but much lighter and airier, and they have a more robust prepared foods/takeout/coffee bar attached (the Lake Street Kitchen. More on that in a minute.) If you’re visiting from another major city (a lot of people in these parts seem to be from Chicago), I think you’ll find it comparable to your favorite local health food store (if your favorite health food store is like paradise!) It’s kind of like a mini Whole Foods, without the faux-liberal asshole hypocrisy. Which is to say, it’s bright, cheery, clean, and sells Tofurky Sausages, Dr. Bronner’s Crazy Soap, bulk grains et alia, good produce, kombucha and fancy sodas, NEWMAN O’S! and whatever else you need to subsist in your adorable lake house (or whatever other adorable business purpose might have landed you the Grand Traverse Bay region.) If you’re not in need of a full grocery shop and just need a snack made for you by someone else, Lake Street Kitchen has got you covered! It’s the same building as Oryana, but you can enter on the Lake Street side to be closest to the Thai peanut wrap, which is what I would highly recommend you order. It’s a whole wheat wrap full of tofu, peanut sauce and a glass noodle salad thing full of veggies and goodness. If they have the noodles (ask first, because once or twice they had run out.) After a week in Michigan, you will want a tofu wrap hella bad! Now you know where to get one. You may also wish to try the tempeh reuben (it’s vegan without the swiss cheese; I’m not sure if they can sub a vegan cheese but they do sell them in the store) because it is out of control. The bread it comes on is baked fresh locally and it’s perfect. I had two for breakfast one day. Take your wrap or sandwich out to this awesome patio! Lake Street Kitchen also has great espresso (maybe the best in town?), and their iced drinks are just the perfect start to your summer day of biking around lakes and antique shopping and lying under birch trees and acting like Nancy Drew. MAN NORTHERN MICHIGAN IS SO BEAUTIFUL. Bonus free soy milk and agave nectar on the coffee bar!

This post comes to us from Megan Allison of Guerrilla Curatorship, who occasionally journeys afar to return with tidbits such as this.

08/05/2009

Vegan Means I’m Trying to Suck Less!  »

Food Fight Vegan Grocery is selling this awesome new button telling the world, “Hey, I’m vegan, I’m not a total condescending asshole, I’m just trying to do the fucking best I can so please don’t give me shit or else I swear TO GOD” in so many words. It’s pretty great. They still have my all-time favorite button which tells people that you hope they die eating their hamburger (it’s true!) and also a gangload of vegan candy. Buy me some of that, please and thank you.

08/03/2009

Vegan Food Bar at Las Vegas Whole Foods!  »

Yet another Whole Foods that is superior to our weak-ass SF Bay Area ones and this time it’s in LAS VEGAS. Yes, the land of strippers, hookers and stripper hookers has superior vegan selection to the land of liberal whiny assholes. I can’t even begin to explain it. Where’s our vegan Kung Pao chicken, HUH? These fools have vegan pizza made with Daiya cheese, an entire vegan hot food bar and more delicious vegan desserts that you can shake your angry fist at. I WANT MY VEGAN BEEF JAPCHAE AND I WANT IT YESTERDAY.

JESUS H.

07/04/2009

The Whole Foods in Potrero Hill now has a food bar dedicated to vegan foods! Woo! They’re even making the sesame tofu with no honey! Screw you, Bee-gans!

They’re also selling Go Max Go! candy bars at all the Whole Foods in San Francisco.

The Whole Foods in Potrero Hill now has a food bar dedicated to vegan foods! Woo! They’re even making the sesame tofu with no honey! Screw you, Bee-gans!

They’re also selling Go Max Go! candy bars at all the Whole Foods in San Francisco.

03/16/2009

Other Avenues! Also, FAT PEOPLE RULE!  »

Other Avenues co-op grocery is second only to Rainbow and that’s just because Rainbow is a lot bigger and a lot less in the middle of fucking nowhere. Other Avenues is an all-vegetarian (yay!), all-organic (yay!) grocery store in the Outer Sunset. It’s a pain the ass to get to but if you happen to be out near Ocean Beach soaking in the rays (read: getting high) then you should definitely stop in. Highlights include: Maggie Mudd soy & coconut ice creams by the pint, Black China Bakery brownies and cupcakes (and lots of other vegan baked goods) and an intense bulk foods section including lots of varieties of chocolate-covered nuts. Delicious.

Man, if left to my own devices, I would eat directly from a trough of dark-chocolate-covered almonds until I died. Which brings me to my next point. Here at Vegansaurus, we (read: Laura) are (read: is) proud to be fat and awesome. I’m tired of reading that an answer to a mean case of the fats is simply to go vegan. I’ve been vegan for years and years and didn’t lose any weight and I’m not a total junk food vegan either. I also have insanely good blood work and am in great health, you can ask my doctor who was on my case for being vegan until he saw my test results. We’re all born with a pretty much pre-determined weight (or range of weights, fluctuating between like 10-20 pounds) that we live comfortably at. For a few of us it’s 100 and for a few of us it’s 300 and for most of us, it’s somewhere in between. And THAT’S OKAY. As long as you’re eating in accordance with what feels right to your body (being vegan helps with that A LOT) then you’ll probably be pretty damn healthy. This book, Rethinking Thin, helped me come to terms with this fact. It’s written by a SCIENTIST with FACTS, not a skinny bitch with, ummm….

So for people who are looking at veganism as a get-thin-quick scheme, that might not be what happens. You’ll find your cholesterol will go down and your blood pressure will thank you and you’ll most likely be able to control your diabetes without medication and get serious relief from other health issues. Oh and you’re also doing the right thing for the planet and animals and other humans but no, you will not drop five dress sizes in two minutes. And you shouldn’t do that anyway. Because people who diet themselves super-skinny look FUH-REAKY (in other news, BOW DOWN to LFB. Love that crazy anorexic psychopath!) and you’re probably already super-hot and don’t need to lose those last 10 pounds. They’re on your ass for a reason, so that people will want to have sex with you, moron.

And let’s face it, fat people are simply the greatest. We RULE both in size and in general fabulousness. Move over skinnies, we’re comin to getcha! And by getcha, I mean eatcha.

I wrote this list, “Things About Fat People That Skinny People Don’t Know!” (along with two fabulous friends, Joy & Erica) years ago because we wanted to get out some facts about fat people. I now must post this list wherever I write because that’s how I do AND YOU CANNOT STOP ME, SKINNY.

And with that, I present:
Things About Fat People That Skinny People Don’t Know. A list.

  1. FAT PEOPLE CAN BREAKDANCE HELLA GOOD. You don’t know because we only do it around other fat people, but you have not lived ‘til you’ve been to a fat dance party!
  2. FAT PEOPLE ARE INDESTRUCTIBLE. The fat, in essence, acts as padding. We’re keeping it secret for right now, but someday we’re going to rise up, unite, and put you Skinny Bitches in your place in a conflict that we have titled Fat War One, or World War Fat (the exact name is yet to be determined).
  3. FAT PEOPLE CAN LEVITATE. Just cause we’re heavy doesn’t mean we can’t float. Ever notice how you never see fat people taking the elevator?
  4. FAT PEOPLE CAUSE HURRICANES. We all get together and run in a clockwise direction, then in a counter-clockwise direction.
  5. OUR NATIONAL FLOWER: The Cake.
  6. OUR NATIONAL BIRD: Fried Chicken. Vegan, of course.
  7. DO NOT CHALLENGE A FAT PERSON. Especially DO NOT CHALLENGE a fat person if there is a candy prize involved.
  8. FAT PEOPLE DON’T CRAP! All the materials you Skinnies waste as feces, we efficiently recycle as lard.
  9. FAT PEOPLE ARE FASTER THAN CHEETAHS.
  10. FAT PEOPLE DON’T WEAR SHOES. We just spray paint our feet so we can get into restaurants.
  11. ALL FAT PEOPLE ARE ALCOHOLICS. But not in a bad way.
  12. FAT PEOPLE DON’T SLEEP IN BEDS. We sleep on huge sticks of Earth Balance.
  13. FAT PEOPLE NEVER ACTUALLY EAT. It’s a common misconception.
  14. MAHATMA GHANDI WEIGHED 600 POUNDS. We know, we were there. Which brings us to our next point…
  15. FAT PEOPLE LIVE FOREVER.
  16. FAT WOMEN HATE THE UBIQUITOUS “CHUBBY CHASER.” He is a harasser, and always at least two feet shorter than she is.
  17. FAT PEOPLE LOVE BABIES. Especially deep fried.
  18. OUR FAVORITE SKINNY PERSON IS: Fuck you, we don’t like any skinny people.
  19. MAKE NO MISTAKE: Hitler was never fat.
  20. FAT PEOPLE OFTEN WONDER IF PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE THEM OR IF THEY ONLY LOVE THEM FOR THEIR FAT.
  21. FAT PEOPLE DON’T PROCREATE, THEY DIVIDE. We do however have a lot of sex…for pleasure and sport.
  22. THE INTERNATIONAL FAT CONFERENCE IS HELD ON JANUARY 26 OF EACH YEAR. It’s held in the sky…we all levitate up really high…I mean where else would we fit? We decide the events of the upcoming year, such as whether you Skinnies get Christmas (Don’t forget Santa is a very fat man).
  23. SOME OF THE ONLY THINGS FAT PEOPLE HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH:
    1. Fix the Oscars (Why do you think Gwyneth Paltrow won?)
    2. Telekinesis (So we don’t have to move. Ever.)
    3. Time travel.
    4. Infiltrate Hollywood…at all.
  24. FRANCE WAS ONCE A FATOPOLIS BUT IT WAS EXCOMMUNICATED IN THE MID-19TH CENTURY AND THUS THEY ARE ALLOWED NO FAT PEOPLE. (The Statue Of Liberty: way too skinny.)
  25. FAT PEOPLE TAKE BATHS IN WASHING MACHINES!
  26. A LIST OF THINGS INVENTED BY FAT PEOPLE:
    1. Water
    2. The 12-month calendar.
    3. The telegraph (Samuel P. Morse was freaking enormous)
    4. The Spanish language.
    5. Van Gogh.
    6. Hammer Pants (I know…even we make mistakes.)
    7. The popular situation comedy “Who’s the Boss?” (Tony Danza is a skinny android created by the Fat Nation.)
    8. We wrote the song “Respect” in 1692 but it didn’t get made for 350 years because of Skinny Politics (they are skinny, but they are strong).
  27. 27. ALL FAT PEOPLE ARE FUNNY. It’s simple genetics.
  28. LITTLE FAT KIDS LEARN TO READ EARLIER THAN LITTLE SKINNY KIDS. And it’s not just because they have no friends so they have to sit at home and read all the time.
  29. BARRY WHITE: fat.
  30. PUPPIES: fat by their very nature. And who doesn’t love puppies?
  31. WE OWN ALASKA, TEXAS, CALIFORNIA, AND THREE OF THE FOUR OCEANS.
  32. OUR CAPITAL IS FATOPOLIS AND IS LOCATED SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENT. (We can’t give everything away.)
  33. FAT PEOPLE CAN RUN HELLA FAST. You just can’t see us because it is SO fast. And if you see a fat person walking really slow, it’s just because they are trying really hard to walk at a normal pace.
  34. JESUS: THE FATTEST MAN TO EVER WALK THE EARTH. The crucifixion story as you know it is not exactly what happened. It was actually attempted twice because the cross broke the first time.
  35. FAT PEOPLE LOVE TO FAN DANCE. It is unfortunately the only thing we do not do well.
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