Hello, friends! It’s Mark’s WTF Wednesday! »
You guys, this has been an amazing whirlwind of a semester and I am so excited to be done with it and spend a few weeks just sitting at home, listening to audiobooks, and latch-hooking a rug in my muumuu. True story: My parents bought me one at Ross because I liked my mom’s so much when we were on vacation! I have really been enjoying audiobooks lately. I feel that listening to The Wind-up Bird Chronicles is the only way I am ever going to get through the entire thing. This is my current life goal.
Of course, none of this is to be! Soon I will be embarking on a Carnival Cruise Lines adventure with my entire family and returning to summer school, which is four hours per class! I remember how I thought being an adult would be super fun because I would get to do whatever the fuck I wanted and eat cinnamon toast crunch all day. Now, I don’t even get a summer vacation! Being old sucks!
What doesn’t suck is getting submissions from all of my friends (read: you). This week, I am especially grateful to Kim who sent me a “WTF is this?” submission and saved me from doing hours of internet research! WTF are we WTF-ing about, you ask? Ducks! Ducks in frocks! Ducks in frocks strutting down a runway looking like Lady Gaga on a good mental health day! Kim doesn’t know how she feels about it, but I think we can both agree that the two ducks in pink dresses and hats are f-I-e-r-c-e! The ducks don’t look that upset, but I certainly can’t make any sense of it. What do you think?
What’s more WTF than ducks is Lazarus hamsters rising from the dead. Actually, I don’t know what’s more WTF: the hamster that dug its way out of a boxy grave, or the family he was living with not knowing that hamsters hibernate if they are too cold. That’s why you need to keep the heat up! They’re desert animals! Bunny used to hella like to chill on a heating pad. She used to like to poop on it, too, but I mostly remember the sitting. Get a book on hamsters, there are like five hundred.
That’s it for this week! We’ve been a little slow in true WTF-ness, so please pay it forward and send me links for next week. Paying it forward is probably a bad example, though. Hayley Joel Osment’s career died at the end of that movie!
Have a safe Wednesday!
Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! (on Friday!) »
[Ed. note: Mark sent this to us on Wednesday this week, but some people fell down on the job and failed to post it until today! Blame us, not Mark!]
You guys, I’m better now, but last week was a low point in my holiday season. I generally love all the holidays and try to stay pretty chipper throughout, but it was pretty difficult last week. I was rolling through life with a sinus infection, and there was not much that could lift my spirits. When such things happen, there is generally one thing that can keep me up even during the toughest times. I am talking, of course, about the winning combination of small children and animals!
Here is a video of a baby human and a baby Yorkie having the best time ever. You know what is awesome about this video? What is awesome is that even though the dog is much smaller than the human, it happily knocks the baby down and proves its dominance. In like the cutest way imaginable. I mean, if a dog like this knocked your baby down, you wouldn’t even be able to say anything but “awww.” Even if the dog then happily made a snack of the baby you would be forced to find it adorable. Luckily, the Yorkie doesn’t snack on babies, it just locks them half to death.
If your baby is inconsolable, however, just get a cat to calm it the fuck down. I especially love the look on the cat’s face. It’s not like it’s all, “I care about you, tiny noise machine,” but more like, “I’ve got this. I’ve read Go the Fuck to Sleep. And by god you are going to close your fucking eyes and not bother anyone again until tomorrow.” This is also Allen’s approach, by the way. Every time he thinks I am making too much noise he puts his hand on my head and hopes that I will shut up. If I am making too much noise at night he gently calms me down by putting a pillow over my face. The last sentence was a cry for help.
If babies don’t cheer you up as much as they cheer me up, however, here’s a music video about breaking kneecaps. Breaking knee caps is also a cheerful holiday activity!
That’s it for this week! Send me links for next week and have an awesome holiday weekend. If you don’t celebrate this particular holiday, I still hope uou get Monday off!
[Christmas hamster photo by LuLu Witch via Flickr]
Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
Mark is the cranky one.
You guys, I had a really good week in Modesto. I was really concerned about what I would do so I brought along every craft, portable video game system and textbook that I needed to write a lecture from. Then I spent my time eating Field Roast and napping. And abusing NSAIDs. I even got through about 10 hours of Final Fantasy VII before I realized that the entire game was approximately six hundred hours long and decided that I just could not make the commitment. When I told Allen this he said ” that game cost seven dollars. You’d better finish it!” Then he went back to watching 27 Dresses on non-cable television.
Allen loves to watch movies on TV, even though the movies he watches are movies he owns on DVD. In fact, they are movies I bought him on DVD. During the past week he has watched Up twice and been excited and surprised every time it came on. This is a movie that Allen owns the special-edition of and is still in its packaging. When I mention Allen’s behavior to him, he just says that watching movies on TV is fun, and that I need to either lighten up or finish the game I paid $7 for. Because nothing makes more sense than a person who will chastise me for not finishing a video game but will happily watch movies that he has paid for and that are five feet away from him on network television with frequent commercial interruptions. The result of this logic makes my head explode and Allen has to face the consequences of putting it back together and screwing it back on to my shoulders.
Consequences, by the way, are really important. While trolling around the Internet during a pre-nap relaxation hour I found out that one of the consequences of messing with a cat is getting the shit beaten out of you. I really hope that the little monster in this video has to watch this on a daily basis, because it will teach him two important things. First of all, don’t hit living things even if you perceive that they are weaker than you; second, those living things might fight back. No matter what logic you use, it is impossible to blame the cat for giving the kid what he deserved. One time, I reached into Bunny’s cage when she was sleeping and she bit me so hard I almost blacked out. You know what I learned from that? Not to disturb her when she is sleeping. What I hope this kid learns is that you don’t try to squash a cat with your fist. What I hope this kid’s parents learn is not to videotape their kid crying, and perhaps invite him to a visit with a practicing therapist. If you’re jonesing for a video where the cat is the aggressor, scroll down the same page and watch an adorable middle-aged baby get sucker-punched like a boss.
Besides douchebag babies, animals also seem to hate phones. Check them freaking the fuck out when commercials for the iPhone come on (animals are very cost-conscious) and kicking over the phone when it rings and disturbs their beauty rest. That is totally something I would do if I were a pet, too. Just knock shit over to let my people know that I do not have Stockholm syndrome. Ms. Cleo’s been doing that a lot. That and not letting me change her litterbox. I swear, every time I go to empty it she freaks out like I am stealing precious diamonds from her. Allen won’t even go near that because he is so frightened she will take a finger off. She has not been responding so well to Spanish.
That’s it for this week. Please send me links for next week and have a bite-free Wednesday!
Hello, Friends! It’s WTF Wednesday—Avenging Hamsters edition! »
You guys, I need to talk to you about something serious. You know I’m all about fun and games and tormenting Allen for the amusement of others, but today we have to discuss an issue really near and dear to my heart: hamsters.
I get it; I talk about hamsters a lot. Perhaps, some of you may be thinking, I love hamsters a little too much. Perhaps you have never taken a nap with a hamster or involuntarily shared your oatmeal with one. Perhaps you have never given a hamster CPR only to be bitten in the face. Hard.
Fine, I love hamsters too much, but somebody has to. A lot of the time we do not take small animals seriously. You tell someone that a dog or a cat or a horse got tortured and killed and people go into a rage. You hear about someone who tortured and killed a hamster, and a lot of people are all, “Whatever, rodents…” When I took my hamster Bunny (RIP Big Poppa!) in for surgery once even the vet looked at me like I was a crazy person, and asked if I wouldn’t want to spend my money on “something else,” and just have Bunny euthanized.
For me, this was a huge problem, because not only was it insensitive, but Bunny wasn’t a something, she was a someone. She was a rodent, sure, but she also inspired me to stop eating meat—why eat cows when we don’t eat hamsters?—gave me good stories to tell other people, and kept me company while I was doing homework. One time she also bit someone I didn’t like in the face, which was awesome and taught everyone the importance of not putting an animal right up to your face and cooing at them, even if they are small and adorable.
I wasn’t really even thinking about this until this Facebook post started circulating. If you have not seen it, the gist is that some horrible person, who appears to be a female in her 20s, decided to let her orange hamster, Nemo, out into the wild to give him his freedom. Admirable as her intentions may be, this young lady apparently did no research and therefore did not learn that YOU CAN’T JUST FUCKING LET A DOMESTICATED PREY ANIMAL OUT INTO THE FUCKING WOODS!
Her reasoning was pretty romantic: Nemo would fend for himself and become big and strong. He would eat berries that he found in the forest and drink cool, clean water from the brook. He would build himself a fine home made of sugar and gingerbread and he would find another hamster to share his life with. Perhaps, he would return to visit once in a while, maybe bringing his partner around to say hi and nibble a carrot; reminisce about old times, check up on the old places. That would be nice. Too bad that Hamster was probably dead within 24 hours because, again, hamsters are prey animals that don’t know how to love in the wild. They’re not going to find brooks and berries. What they’re going to find are falcons and snakes and seagulls.
True story: I once had a pair of hamsters named Reggie and George (Dead Like Me FTW!) that had been rescued from the home of a disabled person whose main joy in life was breeding her hamsters. These hamsters came from the same families and had not been fed a very good diet; they came to me slow, bloated, and uninterested in anything. Especially the exercise wheel. Wanting to do them the most good and being very naive, I called an organization that prepared animals for the wild and asked what I should do. I was told that first of all, the hamsters would not be returned to me—they would be set free. I was also told not to do this because no matter how much preparation the hamsters had, they wouldn not survive for a long time. So that was the end of that.
Domesticated amsters don’t survive in the wild. Wild hamsters, like in Mongolia, look mean, like they know how to win a fight. Nemo doesn’t: In the pictures this woman took pictures of herself releasing Nemo, he does not look ready for hunting and foraging. He looks confused. And the outcry on this woman’s Facebook is an immediate “Nemo is dead,” which she does not seem to understand because it’s not like she left him on a highway somewhere, she let him go in the woods. With the fucking berries and the cold, cold stream. However, when someone points out that hamsters don’t really do the whole nature thing, her response is not a remorseful “Oh my god, what have I done? How could I have been so stupid?” but “RIP Nemo!” Honestly, where do these people come from?
I want to know how this woman is any different from the young girl who threw the puppies in the river. That girl was told to do it; this woman apparently just decided to release her hamster. She didn’t even try to rehome him to—evidenced by the “I would have taken him if you had told me” comment—and when she was told that Nemo was on his way to a certain and terrifying death, she didn’t show much remorse. Would we be hearing more about this if it had happened to a more “important” animal than a hamster? This makes me sad. And it makes me angry. And that’s not good for anyone, especially Allen, who has to listen to me go off about hamsters for hours on end. You guys should see us.
That’s it for this week! Please send me links for next week and have a Wednesday filled with happy hamsters!
[photo by moriza via Flickr]
Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
You guys, I was really lonely last weekend. Allen was out of town so I had no one to torment, my parents were out of town so I has no one to fight with, and I was too tired to do anything but sit around at home with the lights on and wait vigilantly for the ghosts to show up and eat me. I am happy to report that none did, although, honestly, I could have used the excitement. On Friday night I tried to latch-hook the Super Mario rug I was making, but threw it across the rom in a fit of pique when the yarn unraveled for the fifteenth hundred time.
You can see how lonely I was. So I decided to adopt a hamster. Look how smart they are. So smart they have to wear glasses. That’s the animal for me!
The first thing I did was text Allen to let him know that I was going to track down a hamster and name hear Jeanine (because that is a name I have always liked). Ten minutes later he texted back in his usual unsupportive style, advising me not to make any rash decisions because he was going to be home in two days. “Also,” Allen wrote, “everything will smell like hamster pee.” He was right. I have had many hamsters before and while I loved them all very much and cleaned their cages like it was my job I could not shake the feeling that I always smelled like a hamster cage full of urine. My brother and I got into a fight about it once, actually, when he was giving me a ride to work. “Bitch,” he said, “you smell like you’ve been fucking a hamster farm. Get a boyfriend.” We did not speak for a month after that and I had to take the bus everywhere. Recalling these fond memories made me realize that perhaps I was not ready to invite a hamster into my home just yet and would have to think long and hard before I went out and made such a commitment. Allen, probably sensing my despair, sent me another text message. “I have an idea,” he wrote, “why not just look at hamster videos on YouTube?” Allen can be so callous sometimes (this is a sign of psychopathy, by the way. I have been reading The Psychopath Test and am pretty sure Allen’s responses indicate that he is a psychopath fairly clearly), but I decided to look at animal videos anyway. Except I was doing it for a different reason. I wanted to convince myself that I could live without a companion animal at this point in my life. The first video I looked at completely convinced me. Or at least it convinced me that I do not want to mess with turtles. especially because, as a male, I am possessed of a pair of testicles, which apparently turtles have been known to bite the shit straight off. Can you even comprehend the pain of this poor dog? He just nudged a turtle away from him for whatever reason, and that evil monster decides to go straight for the nuts. I immediately felt a pit in my stomach, even though I generally wear clothes and have never had the desire or opportunity to let a turtle crawl around me while naked (I am about to fifteen comments extolling the joys of having a turtle crawl around one’s naked body, aren’t I?) I could not help but feel a certain kinship with the dog in this video and have decided that turtles are not for me. At least penguins are nice, right?
WRONG! Penguins will fuck your shit up! You think a penguin won’t come at you, bro? No, a penguin will bring it the fuck on. And he will bring it so hard that you will try to run backwards and fall and the penguin will waddle towards you as you are laying on your back, frozen in fear and covered in snow. That penguin will come right up to you and kick you straight in the crotch while maintaining unblinking eye contact. And then he will call his friend the ice turtle (may not be a real creature) and they will take turns kicking you in the crotch and biting your withered and frozen genitalia. Penguins, much like Honey Badgers, don’t give a shit. And they give even less of a shit when it’s some Russian douche trying to come at them. Why is it always the Russians, by the way? As a Russian I am concerned that whenever I see a video of an animal being all “Come at me, bro” the person coming at it is some Russian teenager/twenty-something. Get jobs, you guys! You’re making us look bad on the internet!
Dogs get in on the act, too. No longer content to just chill out, sleep and take walks, they’re demanding to be dressed up in eighties fashions and jump rope to set a world record. Sure, you could blame the lady who is having them jump around and dress up like they’re Tiffany on a coke bender, but i like to imagine her as a poor helpless person ganged up on by dogs who just want to have fun (like a young Helen hunt!); dogs that just live to jump rope to the pulsating beats and alluring vocals of Yaz and Men Without Hats. Dogs that can’t be stopped. Dogs that are “teen wolves” and “teen witches” who go to “private school” and are “pretty smart.” and one of them is in a gang called “Foxes” and “she’s out of control.” Top that!
That’s all for me this week. Send me links for next week and for god’s sakes if your name is Carol Ann, stay away from lights this Wednesday!
Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
You guys, have you been watching this season of Real Housewives of New York? I cannot tear myself away! Allen and I spent all of Sunday watching the third season (we actually can’t stop screaming "You’re a mean girl and you’re in high school! And while you’re in high school, I’m in Brooklyn!" at each other) and are just catching up on the current one. I should be doing something far more important with my time (editing the hell out of my paper, knitting, crying myself into another nap), but since my back is still out and the ibuprofen is flowing freely, I have chosen to spend my time with the insufferable ladies of New York. And I mean insufferable! What annoys Allen the most is that I can’t just yell at the screen like normal people, but instead insist on pausing whatever we’re watching in order to deliver my biting, incisive commentary, which is always something like “THAT IS CRAZY! WHAT JUST HAPPENED! GOD I HATE HER!” This is torture for poor Allen and he tries to take the remote away from me as frequently as possible, but it’s just as torturous for me not to be able to pause and screech whenever I want to!
Speaking of torture, I gotta be real with you for a second here. I don’t know if you know this about me, but I love hamsters. To me, they are the world’s most perfect animal, and I used to decide whether I liked a potential suitor by debating whether I would consider saving them from certain death or playing with my hamsters. Most of the time, the hamsters won out. Anyway, the point here is: Don’t fuck with hamsters! They are awesome! Unfortunately some people don’t get that and insist on incurring my wrath. Take some kids from Santa Rosa, Calif., who recently tortured and killed a hamster at a preschool. I mean, seriously, you guys, who does that? Sure, these kids could be troubled and calling out for help, but I am still super upset that boys between the ages of 11 and 14 not only broke into a preschool and trashed it, but decided to, as a group, torture a defenseless animal. You know, stuff like this should really be included when we think about education reform and parenting education. While it’s common sense to me to teach kids that animals are friends, I understand that this is not something others may consider. You guys, let’s all try to teach at least one kid that torturing animals is wrong this week! That would be awesome!
Here’s another tip: Don’t get high on bath salts and murder goats. Man, why don’t we ever hear about anything good coming out of West Virginia? It’s never all, “West Virginia first state to ban factory farming” or even, “West Virgina: Where animals get petted and hugged!” Instead, all we get is, “Cross-dressing man murders goat while high on bath salts.” Ok, fine, if by “bath salts” you mean “meth,” but that’s not even the issue here. The issue is that some dude kidnapped a goat (man, kidnapped! What an awesome pun), put on a brightly colored bra (or bikini. What are you guys getting from the mug shot?) and killed a goat after allegedly committing sexual acts on it. See? This is why I don’t take baths! A couple of weeks ago, my mom was trying to give me her Dead Sea crystals to relax with and I was all, “Hell, no! What do you want me to do? Murder someone?” Because that is what bath salts are going to do to you. Do you think this will hold up in court? Will the “Bath Salt” defense become famous just like the “Twinkie” defense and the “Wookie” defense?
What about the "I was late for work so I burned down the train" defense? Because that really happened! Some people were late for work and were angry for the delays so they burned down a couple of trains, which, you know, par for the course. Just this morning, MUNI was late in taking me to work, so I took a couple of torches to the N-line so that no one would be able to get to work and so that I would have a better excuse than just “the train was late” when I call my boss from jail. Because that is the normal response to this type of situation.
I guess this week was all about common sense, you guys! Let’s review: Don’t torture animals, don’t snort “bath salts” and rape and murder animals, and for the love of all that is sacred, please don’t burn down any trains on your morning commute!
Send me links for next week and have an awesome Wednesday!
Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
Several years ago I was very lonely. I was working full-time in a video store and had very few career aspirations; I had just ended a spectacular stint of dating with someone who was awesome and attractive but with whom I had very little in common; and when I wasn’t yelling at people to put their returns on the goddamned shelf of the counter that said “RETURNS” in large capital letters I was crying and playing video games. That’s when my friend Pali (who runs Rocket Dog Rescue) called and asked if I might like to adopt a pet.
"We’ve got a lot of hamsters here." she said.
"I have now had several hamsters," I replied. "I would like to move up in the world."
"What were you thinking of?" she asked.
“A rabbit. A big one.”
"There are plenty of those," she said. "Get down here before six o’clock."
I jumped into a cab to the SF SPCA immediately, and within the hour returned home with a giant black bunny whom I respectfully named Ms. Cleo. This is a good story, but it gets better. Let me tell you something about bunnies: they poop. A lot. And chew. They chew everything. Oh, and they live forever! Had I had my degree in psychology already, I would have understood that I was transferring my desire for a ”good object” (read: a boyfriend) onto a furry animal of the wrong sex and expecting too much out of her. In time, Ms. Cleo and I came to love each other very much, and frequently hung out on my bed watching television and eating celery and pellets. However, I must stress that rabbits—and all animals, while we’re at it—are a big commitment; you really need to decide whether you’re ready to have all of your cables/clothes/bed frames chewed and pooped upon before you decide that you can adopt one. I remember (before my stint at In Defense of Animals, of course) how horrified I was to read that a tradition of the Hilton family—the Paris Hiltons—was to buy up a whole bunch of rabbits and chicks on Easter, and then give them away after the holiday was over and their cuteness had worn off (Source: Paris Hilton’s wonderful Confessions of an Heiress, which I totally own!). I also thought that this must be a very isolated thing and that most people don’t treat animals this way. Au contraire, mon frère: people are fucking ridiculous.
First, STOP GIVING ANIMALS AS PRESENTS!!! Remember the stuff I wrote before about Rabbits being a huge commitment? Yeah, that doesn’t change just because it’s their year! This seems pretty obvious to me, but in China rabbits are multiplying like crazy and wreaking havoc. Here’s what happens: Someone gets a rabbit for the New Year, they get all excited, buy a cage, and think “awesome! Now I have a friend!” Then the rabbit chews up everything and sometimes scratch. In the case of one woman, the rabbit, while adorable, chewed through every cable in the house and ate her resume to boot! Not such an awesome gift anymore, right? You know, especially since she didn’t even ask for or think of taking care of a rabbit. And you know what else? If you don’t have them fixed, rabbits will breed, leaving you with a whole bunch of offspring to deal with. Of course, some people step up to the task, but others are giving up very quickly ensuring that shelters and rabbit rescues are overflowing with rabbits whose only crime was being an animal on the Chinese Zodiac. And being criminally adorable, but that’s another story.
Second, STOP SENDING ANIMALS IN THE MAIL! Again, this is something I thought would be both common knowledge and common sense. For example, “Man, I need to return these awesome Bones DVDs to Netflix and this copy of “Band Hero” to Gamefly. OH SHIT! I forgot that I have to get John’s dog back to him tomorrow when he gets back from vacation. Hmmm, maybe I should just box and mail him as well. That way, John and the dog both arrive tomorrow and I can watch some more television instead of taking care of responsibilities—nah, too dangerous!” Don’t you wish everyone thought like that? Me too! Except people don’t! They send puppies priority mail in airless boxes with the added bonus of no food and/or water! Why? No idea! Perhaps the woman who did this thought it might be cheaper or easier to send a puppy this way. She actually went back for a refund of her money after being charged with animal cruelty! I cannot believe she did not know that mailing puppies is not the preferred way to get animals to their destination. She’s now trying to get the dog back, but that doesn’t look like it’s going to happen any time soon—or at all, if everyone involved is lucky.
God, seriously, let’s look at something happy for a second before my mind explodes into a giant volcano of rage and sadness. What have you got fur us today, internets? OH MY GOD, a cross-eyed opossum, you say? That can’t be! and yet! And here’s the story of Heidi the cross-eyed opossum’s rise to fame.
All better! send me links for next week and have a safe Wednesday out there!
Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
It is finals week! For me, this no longer holds any fear because I am in grad school and every week is finals week. “Bring it on!” I say as my tears smudge the ink of yet another double-spaced monstrosity that I cannot bear to finish. “Nailed it!” I yell as I accidentally reply-all with an embarrassing email in which I beg for an extension. “Is this worth it?” I ask as I drink yet another bottle of tequila, watching myself cry in the mirror. Be brave, future graduates! Slay those finals like the people slew the other people in that one movie. And then triumph and revel in your victory! Uh-oh, this pep talk has really broken down now, hasn’t it? Just go out there and do it! And be awesome! OK, let’s talk about squirrels, because if there’s anything this paragraph has taught me, it’s that I should probably not pin my dreams on a career in motivational speaking.
You know how when you think about Russian people, you think about alcoholics? Now you know how stereotypes work! Although the thing is, stereotypes are often based upon very real things. As a Russian person, I can tell you that lots of Russians have alcohol problems, but don’t take my word for it because I am not a scientist or the president of Russia. The president of Russia, in fact, is so concerned about the nation’s drinking problem that he has hired a CGI squirrel to show you how dangerous drinking is. Why a squirrel, you ask? That is a very good question for which I have no answer. I have no idea how a squirrel, no matter how mangy it looks, is going to convince me to put down my bottle of apple-infused vodka,* not even if it speaks in a drunk voice and jumps around and around an empty white room. If you don’t speak Russian, you may think you are watching an amazing short about the plight of an animal imprisoned in a white room, possibly by the KGB. Not so! The squirrel is actually incredibly wasted and discussing such far-ranging topics as “We saw his wife and he thought it was the devil so he said let’s shoot her and then we will mark this occasion.” When I first saw this video, I had no idea what it was about and thought it was a warning about psychosis. I got out my DSM to see if I could diagnose the squirrel, before realizing that if I am going to diagnose animated Russian squirrels, perhaps I am the one I needed to worry about.
Or perhaps I need to worry about the good people putting camels into their Christmas pageants. I have been to a couple of Christmas pageants in my day and while I have seen some bad acting—fifth-graders! Why did I pay you $2.50 when you cannot pay me the courtesy of learning your fucking lines?—I have never felt physically threatened by the production, probably because none of the pageants I have seen featured a live camel! Yes, friends, a live camel is the one thing your Christmas pageant is missing. What, there’s two things missing? Your Christmas pageant isn’t a hit unless the camel topples over into the audience? The camel had a sore knee and lost her balance (yes, there is video). It’s a good thing no one was injured because if anyone had, you can bet that there would be crowds cheering wildly for her death, regardless of her bearing zero culpability for this fiasco.
Apparently the company that provided her for the pageant is a fucking horror show and should be shut down immediately: its owner has been jailed for selling panthers as well as forcing animals to perform high dives. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? THAT HORSE DID NOT WANT TO JUMP OFF THE DIVING BOARD? You know how I know? Because the animals performing the high dives were reportedly shrieking and defecating as they did so. Diving boards are fucking horrifying. I remember my dad tried to get me to jump off of one once by showing me how much fun it was. He did it wrong and came out crying because the water—instead of accepting him gently—punched him right in the balls. He never forgave me.
Dredging up all those memories is a bummer, dude. Let’s look at this picture of a hamster to cheer ourselves up. Kinda makes all your troubles disappear, doesn’t it? Have an awesome day, and please send me links for next week!
*Not en vogue in Russia, where we drink our vodka straight! “Like real man,” my father says.
Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
It has been hot outside, you guys! You know what’s worse than a mid-autumn heat wave? A low-grade fever during a mid-autumn hot wave. That way, you don’t know whether the heat is coming from outside or whether it’s your body boiling the evil little monsters that are giving you the sore throat and that light-headed feeling that makes walking an extreme sport. Really keeps you on your toes!
You know what else keeps you on your toes? Wild hamsters! Listen, I don’t know if you know this, but I love hamsters. I became a vegetarian because I picked a hamster up off the street. In my day (before grad school/Allen/anti-psychotics came along), I ran quite a little menagerie out of my room—not apartment, room—which culminated in the Mouspice, a hospice for mice. I mean, I pretty much had every rodent available up in my hizzay. Hamsters were (and still are) my absolute favorite animal. They’re adorable, resourceful, and fucking vicious—to me, a charming quality—and these are just ordinary house-hamsters. Wild hamsters, friend, are a completely different story. They will take down anything, including Russian teenagers out for a good time. You just don’t mess with them. Actually, here’s an even better idea. Don’t mess with any wild animals no matter how small they are. And if you do, don’t complain that they bite you really really hard. That’s what small animals do! That’s how they defend themselves! Have you ever wondered why a small animal’s first reaction when you reach into its cage is to bite the hell out of your hand? it’s because your hand is huge and the animal is tiny. And that’s why you leave hamsters alone.
In related news, I was at the bookstore with Allen last week when he gasped and thrust a book in front of my face. Usually when Allen does this, it is because he has found another obscure book about how to do pushups ergonomically or how to activate your chakras with hypnosis, so I was surprised to find that it was actually a book I might be interested in. Allen was surprise by my elbow in his ribs. Like hamsters, I also react dramatically to sudden book attacks. Anyway, the book, Happy Hamster, is about cooking for your hamster, as opposed to cooking your hamster, which is apparently something some people do. I was on the bus once when a woman offered me $10 for my hamster and then started rubbing her belly suggestively. Since it was obvious that she didn’t speak English and I didn’t speak whatever language hamster-eaters speak, I grimaced in horror and screamed “NO! NO EAT HAMSTER!”* “Ten Dollar!” the woman shrieked at me and continued rubbing her stomach. I freaked out and got off the bus 10 blocks before my stop. And that’s how that story ended. Check out Hamster Tracker, though. There are some adorable pictures there!
Good news! A new-self cloning lizard has been discovered! Female lizards are finding they need male lizards even less than a fish needs a bicycle because a newly discovered species of lizard can clone themselves! Bad news! The lizard is on the menu of a restaurant in Vietnam. That sucks! Why do people have to eat lizards? I think I ask a question like that every week and offer absolutely no answer. Probably because there isn’t one. There aren’t any reasons to eat lizards, especially if you’re getting them from a restaurant. Thanks for the downer, Meave!
Also: In a scene straight out of Mary Poppins, porpoises rescued Dick Van Dyke from drowning! Apparently Bert was so tired after his magical penguin picnic on an enchanted island with Jane and Michael that he fell asleep while surfing back to land (tip: If you’re falling asleep on your surfboard, it is probably time to take up a different leisure activity). When he woke up, he was adrift and land was nowhere to be seen. Then, porpoises GENTLY NUDGED HIM TO SHORE. THIS IS SIMULTANEOUSLY CRY AND VOMIT UP A RAINBOW IT IS SO ADORABLE! I told you Dick Van Dyke was good people. I bet the porpoises wouldn’t have saved Sarah Palin.
That’s all for this week! Send me tips for next week and have an awesome day! OH AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY YESTERDAY, ALLEN! You’re the best!
*I don’t know why I burst into broken English, but I assume it is a leftover reflex from the time I spent living with Elvira, a real-life Peruvian witch with whom I had to communicate only in broken English. Last time I ever innocently answer a roommate-wanted ad.
Hello friends, it’s WTF Wednesday! »
Well, hello there! Aren’t you looking attractive today! Almost as attractive as these dogs in a photo booth:
[Photo from vi.sualize.us]
These dogs are not only looking awesome (SUNDAY BEST, MOTHERFUCKERS!) but are also emulating exactly what each one of us does in a photo booth: one regular photo and then three photos of insane making out. Even if you’re taking the photo alone. Which I usually am. That means it’s usually just one photo of me smiling for my mom and then three of me frantically tonguing the wall and crying. Life!
Last week I got an email (email me!) from Becki who lives halfway across the world (as soon as I got it I was all, “WHOA! STOP THE PRESSES! ALLEN I GOT A LETTER FROM SOMEWHERE IN EUROPE!” and Allen was all, “like a real letter? In one of those awesome envelopes?” and I said “SURE! EXACTLY LIKE THAT! BUT IN MY EMAIL!” and then Allen groaned at me and went back to sleep because he does not like to be disturbed at 3 a.m. Something about working in the morning. BORING!)! Becki wanted to share something great and uplifting with me (which will get its own post!) to combat some of the sadness of the last WTF Wednesday offerings. I’ve been thinking about that a lot, and so today we’re going to shatter the idea that WTF Wednesday has to be all doom and gloom! Because it doesn’t! It’s whatever we want it to be! It is like the ’70s! Except without STDs! Or, rather, with fewer STDs!
Let’s talk about Hamsters! First of all, hamsters are the world’s most perfect animal. I know that you may disagree with me, but you are wrong. And this has nothing to do with the fact that I went vegetarian because I adopted a hamster off the street. I AM NOT BIASED AT ALL! You want more proof? You ever see a wombat (very cute!) wielding a chainsaw? You ever see a prairie dog (adorable!) playing rap? You may not know this but Hamsters are OGs (and I am not talking OLIVE GARDEN!). Bunny (R.I.P. BIG POPPA!) used to terrorize bigger animals all the time! She taught my other hamsters how to escape their cages! She once tossed a piece of corn at someone for looking at her wrong! If Bunny were with us today, I’m sure she could have taught these hip-hop HAMSTAZ a thing or two! Sadly, there was one thing Bunny couldn’t do: she couldn’t play an instrument, so she was never able to join a jazz trio. I will never forgive myself for not encouraging her love of music.
Then there are pandas! Yes, I know! You’ve seen the baby panda sneezing? An oldie but a goody! BUT have you seen this panda have a sneezing fit? No, you go ahead! I will just wait patiently until you finish convulsing in reaction to all of the cute flooding your system. But why leave it at pandas? Do other animals not sneeze? Isn’t there a baby elephant, perhaps, sneezing itself silly somewhere? Why yes, YES THERE IS! Let’s just stop this before we both pass out! Let’s go look at something sparkly!
Laura just hepped me (lolz!) to this awesome video of people dressed as MY LITTLE PONY doing musicals. First, horses and ponies are so rad, and I love reading good stories about them, AND ALSO HATE reading bad news (everyone help the wild horses!). Secondly, when that blue pony is doing “Defying Gravity” and climbs up onto the ramp to sing the grand finale, I almost cried. Not only because it is a fucking pony singing and dancing,* but because it wanted to keep the INTEGRITY of the original staging! Why is there not more stuff like this on the internet? Usually you just get this guy doing songs from A Chorus Line with the most dramatic head rolls I’ve ever seen. How does he not give himself whiplash? He used to do an amazing cover of “Part of Your World,” and although this is not his original version, the CAMERA WORK and props are amazing. I wish he wouldn’t refer to him as a “boy” in the song, though. You’re going to do Little Mermaid? You’ve got to OWN Little Mermaid, like Abby and I did for Hazel’s benefit! Fuck it, here we are being fabulous:
[can’t see the video? watch it at vegansaurus.com!]
Boy, am I exhausted! You know what would counteract that (besides not receiving any more lectures from Allen for waking him up at night for no good reason when he has to put up with me all day already AND JESUS, MARK!)? If you would send me links that would make you happy to see on Vegansaurus! Links to articles and videos that gave you pause and/or made you think “oh my god, what is UP with that?”
And puppies! You see those puppies up there? We can have that EVERY WEEK! And it’s all up to you! and my editor [Ed.: Damn skippy, crazy!]. But mostly YOU! AT LEAST 89 PERCENT YOU!
Have an awesome day!