Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! On Friday! WTF FOR REALS!  »

You guys, I’m done with school! Like forever! My cap and gown have been rented (for an exorbitant amount), my graduation fees (HIGHWAY ROBBERY) have been paid, and my thesis has finally, after months of agony and edits, been signed off on. As much relief as I feel, I’m also feeling kind of lost! Allen says that I should take this time to reflect upon the last two years of my life and maybe journal about it. I’ve been taking his advice very seriously and have thus spent my time playing piano on the iPad (here is my technically and emotionally perfect rendition of Vivaldi’s Winter”) reading Strangers in Paradise, eating cake, and watching YouTube clips of Ukraine’s Got Talenthere is my favorite performance, a voluptuous woman doing some awesome belly dancing!

Allen doesn’t mind anything except the piano-playing (not to mention the fiddling I’ve been doing!), because it disrupts his quiet reading time in the evening. The other night he couldn’t take it anymore and quietly asked whether I was sure that the first movement of the “Moonlight Sonata” was supposed to last 25 minutes and suggested that perhaps I would be happier playing at Nordstrom, where he would happily drive me, instead of keeping my talent hidden under a bushel by playing just for him. He is so considerate! The best part about the iPad (besides “Puzzlequest” and “Sally’s Salon”) is that it is highly portable and ensures that I will be able to take my piano with me when we go on vacation next week! Who needs Cirque de Soleil when you’ve got a full orchestra whenever you want it? (Actually! Allen and I are going to Vegas, so if you have any suggestions on shows and things we should see/do, that would be awesome!)

Since this is a happy time for many of us (Who else is graduating? Let’s get crazy!), I thought that I would spend the space I have for WTF Wednesday to share some happy/incredibly weird things with you. Take cat hair jewelry, for instance:
No one’s getting hurt, people are ostensibly happy with it, and yet it is one of the weirdest things I have ever seen. Now, I’m not hating, but I’m also hoping that this isn’t going to be a trend. I know that these are one-off works of art, but is it just me or does it look like these ladies (IS THAT LINDSAY LOHAN?) are wearing bejeweled anal beads* around their necks? That’s one way to make something not only stylish (-ish) but also functional. I am also worried that this might lead to other trends with people making jewelry out of dog and ferret hair and pretty soon you’re going to see embarrassed balding animals walking around because their human caretakers have decided they need more fur for their sweaters. I admit that when I first saw this I pictured myself wearing a beautiful and comfortable hamster-hair scarf, but after discussing it with Allen, he wisely pointed out that I would need at least 57 hamsters and would need to be constantly brushing them, leaving no time for anything else, including piano practice. Then Allen promptly went out and adopted me a hamster. JOKE! Allen says we can’t get a hamster until we come back from vacation, but the fact that he has agreed to me having one at all is amazing because Allen’s experiences with hamsters aren’t as tender and beautiful as my own.

You know what else Allen won’t let me have? A cat! I have been begging him to adopt one with me, but Allen is not a fan. He once actually explained why, but since his story was based mostly in Mexican folklore, I did not understand it. I only understand Russian folklore, which is why I have to step on someone’s foot after they step on mine for fear that we would become mortal enemies, and why I scream bloody murder when someone crosses over as I am laying down, as this means that I will not grow any taller, even though I’ve been 5’8” since I was 18 years old.

Speaking of Russia and cats, however, here is is a video of a cat who is having serious nicotine withdrawal. This kitten, whose name is Simone, apparently found a cigarette just lying around (also, this is how I started smoking. My dad just left cigarettes around so I’ve been puffing away since I was a toddler) and decided that she was going to smoke it (or chew it. Unclear!) and had a hard time letting her friends take it away from her, which just proves that interventions are hard for everyone. I once tried to hold an intervention for my guinea pig, Katherine, who had a problem with pumpkin seeds, and she shrieked at me and pooped all over my hands. I just let her have as many pumpkin seeds as she wanted from then on.

Speaking of interventions, there’s some good news for cats and some bad news for lonely Floridians this month. The senate has passed an anti-bestiality bill that was inspired by the death of a pregnant goat who was asphyxiated during rape, but took three years to pass. There’s been some controversy about this, mostly about the fact that humans are animals and the bill does not define the animals that are being protected as non-human animals, thereby prohibiting sex in the state of Florida altogether—but come on, I think we all get it. Just stop having sex with animals and everything will be fine. And while we’re at it, stop snorting bath salts.

That is not good for you! That’s all for this week. Send me links for two weeks from now (BECAUSE I AM GOING ON VACATION!) and have a safe and celebration-filled Wednesday!

*I can write about anal beads because I am an adult! lay off, mom!

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