vegansaurus!

10/07/2008

Review: Medicine Eatstation  »

At first I thought that I could not find the words to describe how much I loathe stupid Medicine stupid “Eatstation” (it’s not even a word and no I will NOT teach my browser to learn it, as I did my name and the various permutations of “vegan”), but then I discovered that yes, yes I could.

I used to work right next to the Crocker, and I didn’t have to technically leave the building to get to Medicine from my office. Now, if I hadn’t been stuck with shitty insurance* that charged me a zillion dollars for my various medications and therapy, and refused to cover my nutritionist costs even though I have a medical diagnosis that should allow me free nutritionist visits for the rest of my crazy life, I would buy lunch more often. Still, after a year of employment at my that job, I felt as though I’d plumbed the depths of the third-floor food court (OF HELL), including Medicine. In fact, I tried it three times. Why? Because I am incapable of learning my lesson the first time, is why.

Each time I’ve gone, the service has been slow, and the staff at the counter has always been rude. They ignore the customers, they keep one register closed despite an out-the-door line (people, NO, just, go get soup), and two out of three times I’ve seen them stop taking orders to chat with each other. Just flat-out stop working! Christ, it was just terrible.

The food is also BAD. I’ve had their signature Medicine roll, the miso-braised eggplant—which is no longer on the menu—and a cold soba salad, and they were equally yet singularly yucky, not to mention overpriced. The worst offense was the limp, squishy, tasteless soba. My mother, a white lady from south Jersey who now lives in a Bay Area suburb and teaches spinning classes to other suburban white ladies, can make better cold soba salads, and she hasn’t been to Japan since 1984. Truth. [NB: do not be fooled by the picture, that food is the opposite of delicious.]

Also, the prices are astronomical. Wonderful Japanese restaurants like all-vegan Cha-Ya and very-vegan-friendly Minako don’t charge so much for such simple dishes, and when their prices do match Medicine’s, the food is incomparably better.

FURTHERMORE, after a much-ballyhooed temporary closing, Medicine reopened and was no longer vegan, instead serving local, wild-caught, long-lived, guaranteed-happy, volunteered-to-be-murdered-so-honored-were-they-to-be-part-of-Medicine’s-cuisine fish as well. Maybe this isn’t so bad—now it’s not a shitty overpriced pretentious vegan place, it’s just a shitty overpriced pretentious place, so it isn’t contributing to our bad reputation. But no, think of the fish!

The last time I went in, the day of the terrible soba, I waited for 45 minutes for it. I know, right? After all that I still wasted three-quarters of my unpaid-yet-mandated lunch hour waiting to get food I couldn’t even manage to finish once I got it. About 30 minutes in, another front counter girl ended the personal phone call that she’d been engaged in when I arrived, and handed me a “Sorry About the Wait, Let Us Make It Up to You” card, good for a whole 15 percent off my next purchase at Medicine, expiring that Friday. Because of course I was going to come back, I am a stupid, stupid person.

Truth: I did not.

*Never complain about your insurance, because one day you may find yourself with two weeks’ of pills left and zero medical coverage, and then you will miss the days of paying a lot of money for those medications, because whatever “a lot” was, it wasn’t as much as the retail price.

[photo via yelp]

09/22/2008

Review: Samovar Tea Lounge!  »

First off, they have a vegan cupcake here. It’s chocolate. It’s the size of a walnut. It costs $6. Do with that information what you will, but listen now and hear me later: a cupcake that costs more than a call girl should fucking do something nice for you. Like tell you you’re pretty while doing your taxes and giving you magical powers. Oh, and taste MOTHERFUCKING DELICIOUS. This cupcake did none of those things. One demerit.

Other than that, the veggie and vegan options are clearly marked on the menu and they are plentiful. They even have a vegan Thai iced tea! Most of the meals are centered around a certain type of cuisine—Japanese, Indian, Russian (I KNOW, WTF?!), etc.—or you can order small plates and teas à la carte. It’s a bit pricey for the amount of food you get, but I’ve always been quantity over quality so there you go. I mean, I’d rather have a bucket of pasta—literally, an entire bucket. Like the kind you usually put a mop in. Filled with pasta—than one AMAZING ravioli. I guess you could tell that much by looking at me so A) fuck you for judging me and B) fuck that ravioli and fuck those bitches who take one bite of that ravioli and are like, “This is the best thing I’ve ever eaten!” Well, bitch, that is because you haven’t eaten since the Clinton Administration (those were the days!). I have no time for you or your skinny-ass antics. Seriously, I want to send you all to Jurassic Park to be eaten by dinosaurs like in the documentary.

Get more info on Samovar and its two locations here. Adding links is pretty fun.

[photo via yelp]

09/17/2008

Review: Benkyodo Company!  »

When I die, I want to be mummified in a gigantic* mochi from Benkyodo. Wrap me in that sweet rice dough and throw me into the ground. SO I CAN EAT MY WAY OUT.  What—you thought I was just gonna die?  Bitches, please. I’m gonna fucking come back as the hottest, most awesome zombie you ever saw. First, I’m gonna eat my mochi bodysuit, and then I’m gonna move on to the entire city of San Francisco and I’m not going to stop until I eat the brains of every last one of you faux-liberal fascist asshole pieces of shit. I might be vegan but I am done with you chumps and anyway, I heard human brains taste like strawberry shortcake and I fucking LOVE strawberry shortcake. It is delicious.

*I think I am a size 18W in mochi.

[mochi photo via yelp]

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