Review: Samovar Tea Lounge!  »

First off, they have a vegan cupcake here. It’s chocolate. It’s the size of a walnut. It costs $6. Do with that information what you will, but listen now and hear me later: a cupcake that costs more than a call girl should fucking do something nice for you. Like tell you you’re pretty while doing your taxes and giving you magical powers. Oh, and taste MOTHERFUCKING DELICIOUS. This cupcake did none of those things. One demerit.

Other than that, the veggie and vegan options are clearly marked on the menu and they are plentiful. They even have a vegan Thai iced tea! Most of the meals are centered around a certain type of cuisine—Japanese, Indian, Russian (I KNOW, WTF?!), etc.—or you can order small plates and teas à la carte. It’s a bit pricey for the amount of food you get, but I’ve always been quantity over quality so there you go. I mean, I’d rather have a bucket of pasta—literally, an entire bucket. Like the kind you usually put a mop in. Filled with pasta—than one AMAZING ravioli. I guess you could tell that much by looking at me so A) fuck you for judging me and B) fuck that ravioli and fuck those bitches who take one bite of that ravioli and are like, “This is the best thing I’ve ever eaten!” Well, bitch, that is because you haven’t eaten since the Clinton Administration (those were the days!). I have no time for you or your skinny-ass antics. Seriously, I want to send you all to Jurassic Park to be eaten by dinosaurs like in the documentary.

Get more info on Samovar and its two locations here. Adding links is pretty fun.

[photo via yelp]


Review: Benkyodo Company!  »

When I die, I want to be mummified in a gigantic* mochi from Benkyodo. Wrap me in that sweet rice dough and throw me into the ground. SO I CAN EAT MY WAY OUT.  What—you thought I was just gonna die?  Bitches, please. I’m gonna fucking come back as the hottest, most awesome zombie you ever saw. First, I’m gonna eat my mochi bodysuit, and then I’m gonna move on to the entire city of San Francisco and I’m not going to stop until I eat the brains of every last one of you faux-liberal fascist asshole pieces of shit. I might be vegan but I am done with you chumps and anyway, I heard human brains taste like strawberry shortcake and I fucking LOVE strawberry shortcake. It is delicious.

*I think I am a size 18W in mochi.

[mochi photo via yelp]

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