vegansaurus!

04/18/2011

Lady Gaga didn’t make anyone kill a cat, but this shit is still hella sad!  »

A 20-year old girl, getting ready for a bangin’ night out, goes through her normal beauty regimen. Glitter: check. Water bra: check. Whiskey flask: double check. Outfit splattered in neighbor’s cat’s blood: Ch-wait, what?

I guess pre-gaming is a little different these days. Angelina Barnes from good ol’ Oklahoma has been charged with animal cruelty, and being a fucking creep, after a series of events leading up to a Lady Gaga concert. Gaga, no offense, but this kiiind of trumps your meat dress.

A news report states a relative of Barnes came home, presumably to unwind with a nice Colt 45 and a little Idol, only to see a “completely dark house, with duct tape covering light switches.” [Ed.: creepy!] And there Barnes was, just hanging out in “a long coat with streaks of what ended up being cat blood on her face.” It puts the lotion in the basket.

Poor Whiskers. It’s clear this woman is very mentally unstable. Ready for some more of investigators’ findings? Purple hair dye/blood all over the bathroom; a drowned kitty-kins, belly cut open and “eyes mutilated; the cat’s liver was found in a makeup case on counter.” So Barnes was taken to a hospital, where she went all Girl, Interrupted and tried to slice a nurse with some glass. Her family claims she has previously suffered from depression, but this behavior was completely out of character. Not that anyone ever says, “Oh, yeah, I taught my kids how to appease the gods by offering up the blood of innocent critters. I also like them to use scented candles for ambiance.”

Of course, the media loves to blame famous persons. Especially famous liberal persons. If it’s not Josh Groban, it must be the devil. Fox was quick to correlate a young student’s suicide to an Obama speech on the same campus. So, like Marilyn Manson’s plight of the ’90s, Gaga must now pick up the burden on the fucked up happenings of her fans. You monsters. Barnes, I hope you have a nice recovery, and mental illness is a rough biz, but the cat didn’t do anything to you.

[Ed.: Now let’s all look at cute adoptable cats because 1. You know you’re already looking at kitty porn! and 2) I need to focus on something that’s not super fucked up so I can get out of bed tomorrow morning!]
It’s Anya! She’s up for adoption in Alameda (MY ISLAND HOME FROM WHENCE I CAME) and she’s adorable and you want to spoil her with awesome love and not drown her and smear her blood on your body. I know that normally goes without saying but as it turns out, you can never be too careful! Ugh!

This guest post was brought to us by Jessi Stafford! Jessi is originally from St. Louis…ish. She’s now squandering her fortune while freelancing in Baton Rouge, LA. A University of Missouri Journalism grad, Jessi uses her degree for cocktail-drinking. She loves hyperbole and whoring around thrift stores. Jessi’s becoming a regular (guest poster) on Vegansaurus and we love it!

03/21/2011

Test-tube meat: Would YOU eat it?  »

Somehow, I just can’t see myself eating test-tube meat. I imagine it would come with the same horrific and potentially organ-altering issues as genetically modified corn and shiz, you know like growing eight uteri or something. BUT. I do think that cloning meat-tissue would take pressure off of industrialized meat production AND weird cloning experiments. Save our farm animals and just eat pseudo-meat? I’m wondering if it would be anywhere near the same as a Boca burger.

Eat, Drink…Better wrote about biologist Vladimir Mironov and his in-vitro meat research. This man with the name of a Russian astronaut claims we are already running out of agricultural space globally, and that contributes to that whole hunger thing. And PETA is a major investor. “PETA is apparently offering a one million dollar prize for anyone who can grow a commercially available synthetic meat for market by June 2012.” Whaaaaa?

I’m not so all-aboad-the-biotech-wagon as I am on the alternatives-to-animal-exploitation-mobile. But the fact that scientists are trying to develop a “product” that would eliminate all the crazy issues we face with big Ag: greenhouse gas emissions, pollution, factory farms/slaughterhouses, and fucked-up biodiversity—that doesn’t sound so horrible—as long as there are no rogue mutated species coming out of this mess. I’m not prepared to join the X-Men. [Ed.: however, some of us named Laura are! And she wants the ability to eat unlimited amounts of ice cream WITH NO HEADACHES and to fly and to be invisible and to have people-crushing fatness. Please note: she is working on the last one already, fuck science!]

Mironov claims this risk just isn’t there and that we, the consumer, will accept the test-tube meat. He says, “We are already mass consuming cultured products like yogurt, brewed beer, and distilled wine. Therefore, the prospect of consuming cultured meat is not a foreign concept.” The jury is still out over here, but it will be interesting to see big meat producers freak out—and probably try to lay claim to the profits.
Perhaps these two geniuses could help make some strides!

This guest post was brought to us by Jessi Stafford! Jessi is originally from St. Louis…ish. She’s now squandering her fortune while freelancing in Baton Rouge, L.A. A University of Missouri Journalism grad, Jessi uses her degree for cocktail-drinking. She loves hyperbole and whoring around thrift stores. This is Jessi’s second post for Vegansaurus. Thanks, Jessi!

02/24/2011

I’m not typically a fan of vegan parodies. The overuse of stereotypes is fun! Hey, vegans eat granola and tofu, how FUNNY IS THAT?! So, I was skeptical when I heard about a YouTube video series called VEGAN MEAL TIME created by the boys of Getting Friendly. The thumbnail showed a nerdy, skinny kid with black square-framed glasses. Nailed it! But then I watched all two vids, created to mock the bacon-tastic and horrifically disgusting site Epic Meal Time, which features bros making things like cupcakes filled with chicken hearts—seriously, what the eff?

And then I laughed…Oh, did I LAUGH. Vegan Meal Time, ya done good, restoring my faith in vegans’ ability to be funny and make fun of ourselves. Zing! The parodies were pretty on point.

The first video involved the making of a holiday Tofurkey. “Gobble gobble, bitches!” And it didn’t contain what you’d expect. “Seaweed strip, seaweed strip, seaweed strip!” There was also some bunny-licking, lots of soy sauce, and more peanut butter. Just check it out. “You can taste the B-12!”

The jokes were apparently lost on some of the Epic Meal Time fans on YouTube—clearly vegans don’t ACTUALLY eat spaghetti and peanut butter inside turkey stuffing. Jesus. It’s a better parody than I thought if people don’t realize these aren’t actual recipes; the point is to call out the gluttony of bacon-fiends. Some “flower power” never hurt anybody, bitch.

I’m hoping these kids make some more videos soon. I’ve got an addiction and the only cure is more Vegan Meal Time. Hit me.

This guest post was brought to us by Jessi Stafford! Jessi is originally from St. Louis-ish. She’s now squandering her fortune while freelancing in Baton Rouge. A University of Missouri Journalism grad, Jessi uses her degree for cocktail-drinking, and she loves hyperbole and whoring around thrift stores.

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