Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
You guys, work is really stressing me out. I am going to spend most of my half-day off catching up on horrible paperwork and I am dreading it already, as I would prefer to spend the day eating bonbons and playing Super Mario Galaxy. When I am bummed like this, there is only one thing that makes me feel better (well, two, but crystal meth is pretty expensive on my salary), so after Allen picked me up from work we went to the gym and did water Zumba for an hour. Here are the reasons I like water Zumba: first of all, Zumba is like this horrifying campy mix of boxing, salsa, and belly-dancing that is all about being fun and taking itself too seriously at the same time. Second of all, when I am doing any kind of aquatic fitness activity it is all limbs and grunts and I look like I am having a panic attack mixed with a seizure and everyone is silently backing away and holding their hands over their mouths in shock and mortification. You take all of this and add a whole bunch of amazing middle-aged ladies just shaking their stuff and doing water acrobatics in a circle at the end and Allen wading around assuring people that I’m OK and that no one needs to call 911 and everyone’s having a good time!
I don’t feel that I am doing a good job explaining this, so let me show you with this cartoon of Narwhals just tearing shit up in the water. Quick question: are Narwhals even real or what? They are sea animals with horns! They fight polar bears! They have a catchy song about how awesome they are that will be stuck in my head for the next two weeks and will not be able to sleep because as soon as I close my eyes all I hear is that amazing techno beat taunting me with the millions of fantastic qualities Narwhals have that I will never achieve. Fun story: my friend Stephanie took me to some kind of Etsy craft fair a couple of months ago and one of the activities they had was making stuffed Narwhals out of felt and cloth. I was super drunk at this point (and had been eating so many cookies and cake pops—cake pops!!—that I was almost in a sugar coma) that the only thing I could do was supervise by yelling “give the Narwhal a huge schlong!” while twirling around and laughing. in the end, the Narwhal had a giant appendage and I spent the rest of the evening showing everyone my Narwhal which I was wearing as a necklace. True story.
Narwhals not doing it for you? You want to go for more conventional? Fine! How about these mother-loving kittens being DJ Heroes?
[Can’t see the video? Watch it on Vegansaurus.com]
They’re not even playing it on the Wii, you guys! They are on real-life decks just spinning like there is no tomorrow and meowing out sweet musical beats. I know a little bit about being a DJ (read: Laura and I spend a lot of time on turntable.fm) [Ed.; YEAH WE HAVE! And Megan Rascal told us about it so mad props to DJ My Lil’ Pony!] when someone is a hot act. And let me tell you, three kittens fucking it up on a couple of turntables is just what the club scene needs. I don’t generally go to clubs because I hate people and dancing and lights and music, but I would be there to see these kittens and break my neck (that is DJ lingo for “bop my head”) to the rhythms they’re putting out.
Kittens don’t do it for you? Why? Did your soul break? Perhaps you should have it repaired. Oh, you like dogs? You like dogs that make you go WTF? You like English dogs that make you go “huh?” Let me introduce you to Sophie, then. Let’s see what’s up now! Adorable or terrifying? You tell me!
That’s all for this week! Please send me links for next week and have the best Wednesday of your life!
This very lucky kitten was reunited with her owner after being possibly abducted and then definitely tossed from a car. Yay happy endings! Boo stupid people! There’s really not much more to the story than that, except for this awesome quote from the police chief involved in the investigation:
He said that cats are ‘free spirits,’ and there is no clear evidence of how the kitten got into the car. But police are operating under the assumption that someone stole it, he added.
Free spirits, ahoy!
[via the Boulder Daily Camera]
Guest post: “I FELL INTO A K-HOLE OF ADORABLE.” Fostering kittens for the SF SPCA RULES! »
It’s kitten season! And when I heard the San Francisco SPCA was hurting for foster homes, I realized that duh, I need KITTENS in my FACE! I’m still sort of in the rebound period after losing my ridiculously amazing ferret six months ago (you know, where you want to borrow everyone else’s animals but aren’t ready to commit?) so a perpetual cycle of kittens and loss sounded like an awesome fix. I signed up for the next kitten-fostering class at the SPCA.
The two-hour class was taught by Alison Lane, the SPCA Foster Coordinator, who is super nice and helpful. In it, we learned:
- Fostering saves lives. Because of foster homes, the SF SPCA is able to take in about 1,000 more kittens a year! BAM!
- It is a lot of work. Fostering kittens requires a minimum time-commitment of two hours a day. You have to be available to take them to the SPCA for regular vaccinations and in case of emergency.
- You need a safe, easy-to-clean kitten room away from resident animals. A bathroom is recommended for good reason (more on this later) but I’m poor and share my bathroom with five people—so my bedroom it is.
- You keep the kittens until they weigh two pounds and can be spayed or neutered and put up for adoption. So you basically get them at the height of preciousness and socialize them to be awesome pets.
- The SPCA gives you a surprisingly thick volunteer manual [.pdf], which conveniently doubles as a kitten calendar minus the white squares.
- They also provide dry and wet food (Fancy Feast! These bitches eat better than me!), plus a “vegetable” scale to weigh them every day. You buy the litter box, scoop, litter and scratching post (for a total of $15.23 at the SPCA).
- I also got my kittens blankets and snazzy toys, but you can use old towels and make your own toys. Kitten badger don’t give a fuck.
For you losers out there who can’t cut it as a freelance writer or artist and have to go to your square JOB that pays you a boring SALARY or whatever from 9 to 5, you can foster kittens, too! You just have to feed them and change their litter before you leave for work, when you first come home, and before bed. Plus they will probably liberate your employed soul, so you should totally do it!
When I got home, I emailed Alison and made an appointment to pick up my antidepressant kittens the following Saturday. I DID NOT get wasteyface the night before, but NESTED like a neurotic mama-goose cat-lady—and magically got up before noon on a Saturday to pick up my kitten babies. After a brief run-down with Alison, she brought out my kittens; Clover and Stars were two tiny, mewling, black amaze-balls, one longhair and one shorthair. I was a little bummed that if all went well, I’d only have the little bros for a week (they start you off easy), but OHMYGOSH KITTENS!
THE CUTENESS IS ALMOST UNBEARABLE. I’m serious. Because like, there’s nothing to do about it. UGH! You basically get blue-balled by cuteness.
Clover and Stars are exceptionally badass cats — they’re both super playful, curious and affectionate, but I’m quickly learning their individual quirks. Like that Stars FUCKING OWNS the feather toy. And Clover asks to be picked up. AWWW!
I wake up to two black kitten noses pressed against my face. I remember that Alison specifically said not to take kittens on your bed, but they jump up themselves and won’t listen to me! Besides, I love feeling LOVED!
It’s over. I’m hooked on cuteness contact high.
I have officially fallen into a K-HOLE OF ADORABLE. I thought the kittens would make me more productive by keeping me in my room and on a schedule, but it’s hard to get anything done when you are anchored to a chair by an impossibly adorable purr-bomb all up in your lap and you can’t even reach your computer.
I (metaphorically) stop showering and delete my Facebook (metaphorically). Kittens are all I need now. Kittens make me happy. An anonymous kitten has a little accident on my brand-new duvet, but whatever! Kittens!
I bought them a scratching post, but they prefer my yoga matt (now destroyed). Eye shadows are hockey pucks, curtains a rock-climbing wall. I leave Stars and Clover alone longer than a few hours for the first time and return to find my beloved person-sized trout pillow soaked in urine on the floor.
But whatever, right? Kittens! Anyway, it seems they will definitely reach their goal weight by day seven, so I make an appointment to drop them off soon. Sadness.
WHY ARE YOU PEEING ON MY BED WHEN I HAVE GIVEN YOU EVERYTHING I LOVE YOU SO MUCH WHY???!!!!?!
I wake up to discover the kittens have officially started using my bed as a litter box (AKA KITTEN POOP ON MY DUVET WTF). I call Alison, who explains that I should have contacted her immediately when the kittens were having litter box issues, so they won’t learn bad habits and be returned by their families when adopted. Of course I feel shoot-me-now HORRIBLE (even though she assures me it’s fine).
I decide to cut my losses and return them a day early. I was SUPER sad to say goodbye but I think my shame softened the blow a little.
Fostering kittens is seriously effing amazing and IT SAVES LIVES and you should do it! Just don’t fuck up like me! If you have to use your bedroom, get a kitten corral or large cage for when they are unsupervised. I already got mine. BAM! That’s right; this kitten mama is coming back for more! That’s how good this shit is, man.
If you are interested in fostering kittens, please contact your local SPCA or rescue group. For information on fostering with the SF SPCA, click here. To sign up for the next foster class, email the Foster Coordinator Alison Lane at firstname.lastname@example.org. Do it!
UPDATE: Clover and Stars have found their forever homes! If you are interested in adopting a kitten or cat from the SPCA, click here.
Aurora Wells is a writer and artist living in San Francisco with persistent dreams and borrowed kittens. While working on her first graphic novel, she writes about death and pours shots at a dive bar. Art, animals and alliteration are some of Aurora’s favorite things. She will do pretty much anything for that vegan cookie.
Don’t let the Animal Humane Society turn you into an animal hoarder! »
[Can’t see the video? Watch it on Vegansaurus.com]
Both Sarah and Megan submitted posts for this insanely sweet new PSA so I thought I’d post both because it’s Friiiiday and I’m feeling CRAZY! It’s a post-off!! post. off. POST. OFF. POST! OFF!!!
I wonder how many Vegansaurus readers have cats? Like is it a normal distribution similar to that of general society or is it like EVERYONE because we are vegans?
CUTE OVERLOAD, Y’ALL. The new Animal Humane Society PSA, “I Want…,” is promoting kitty-cat adoption with adorable talking cats! Watch this 1 million times, and then go adopt every cat everywhere ever.*
*Just kidding—then there’d be no kitties left for me! I need all of the kitties because I am a kitty hoarder.**
**Kidding again! I swear!
Okay, both posts are equally awesome! POST-OFF TIE DECLARED! Kittens for everyone!
Top 10 links of the week! »
RIP Knut. Knut the polar bear died this week and it’s very sad. But don’t worry! He’s going to be stuffed and mounted! Vegetarian Star has the details.
New York is crazy for veggie burgers! The New York Times is totally in love with veggie burgers this week. I’m like, way to be late to the party! But welcome all the same.
Laura busts heads. If you didn’t read our Laura’s response to that lame Ecosalon piece, read Luara’s response to that lame Ecosalon piece.
Laura plays nice. AOL City’s Best interviewed our own Laura! She’s blowing up. I’m not the least bit jealous—her coattails suit me just fine! You go, girl.
Tsunami dolphin saved. There have been some bittersweet animals stories coming out of Japan, not the least of which is the rescue of a little baby dolphin in a rice field. There is a picture on the other end of this link, boy is there a picture.
Breast milk from cows. Um, in China, they are totally creating cows that produce human milk. I’m sure they are treating the cows really great too. People seem grossed out but how is it any grosser than drinking regular cow milk? I ask you. Both come out of cow nipples.
Saber-toothed vegetarian? Everyone is so excited about this new discovery: a saber-toothed vegetarian monster! (Monster is the scientific term).
More oil, more problems. Nightingale island, home to half the world’s population of northern rockhopper penguins, is covered in oil. People are working to save the cute, funny-haired penguins but there is a lack of supplies and help on the remote island. This is a bummer. I don’t think I’m getting a joke out of this.
Get ready for kitten season! Kitten season is just around the corner and Paw Nation has ten really great tips on caring for your new bundle of indifference.
New York City murders geese. New York is set to kill more Canada geese, see what you can do to help stop them!
Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
So I was reading the Facebook this week (this is how my parents refer to websites, by the way. They put a “the” in front of everything and say adorable things like “Hey Mark, you need cheap plane tickets? Did you look on the Twitter? I hear this where good deals are!”) and my friend Stephanie had this amazing article about a baby deer that is wearing a fucking headscarf! Okay, first of all, check this out: The Deer was rescued by St. Tiggywinkles Wildlife Hospital, which I thought was a joke until I googled it. Is this not the best name for a hospital ever? Of course it is in the UK and is for animals so my insurance won’t cover it, but if I were an animal I would know I was in good hands with a hospital with a name like that! So this deer, right? Her name is “Bless Her Little Heart” and she lost both ears in a dog attack. Then the folks at Tiggywinkles rescued her and put her in this amazing (and on-trend) headwrap that makes her look like she is about to do something awesome, like star in a movie or release an album of heartfelt R&B covers. And then she fell in love! With another baby deer! His name is Max, and they are boyfriend and girlfriend and look fucking adorable together and should probably have their own Disney show about overcoming adversity and then lifting other people’s hearts by being a beautiful soul and then also having two personalities: “Bless Her Little Heart” when she’s not wearing the headwrap and “Hannah Deertana” when she is!
I have figured out a way for you guys to live through the zombie apocalypse (if it happens) and live forever (or to a reasonable age) if it doesn’t happen: vegetable soup! Don’t believe me? This one billionaire is extending his life and health by eating mostly vegetables. He’s even spent $500 million on a research institute that is working on proving his belief that eating HELLA PLANTS is the way to LIVE FOREVER. Here’s what his lunch looks like: “a six-fruit smoothie; a mixed-leaf salad with toasted walnuts, fennel and blood orange; a soup with more than eight vegetables and beans; a sliver of grilled Dover sole on a bed of baby carrots, broccoli and brown rice. ” The sole is disgarsting because you don’t need to be scarfing fish to be healthy, but the rest of it doesn’t sound so bad. What I also like about him is that he is all about making grandiose claims and then also being stern with people who don’t eat everything on their plates. That’s how I want to be when I’m old, all ornery and telling people what to do. Being a billionaire would be nice too, but they don’t pay you too much to fight off zombies with your vegetable-induced superpowers!
We are on a pretty happy roll here: zombie apocalypse averted, deer getting fashionable and finding love, SOUP! The problem is that I’ve been thinking about this marriage equality thing and I am really concerned right now. I used to think it was ridiculous when people were all “Dude, if gays marry then soon men will be marrying their horses and shit!” I would be all “No, that wouldn’t happen because horses can’t consent and also humans and horses are completely different species so that is a specious (GRE WORD!) argument.” And then I saw this and all of my own arguments just went out the window:
It’s a fucking raccoon carrying a cat over the threshold to their new house where they are going to start a whole new life together! What’s next, dogs and hamsters? Rabbits and pigeons? Where is it going to end? Look at that cat! It is all “I am nervous about my first time, but this is also true love so I think it is going to be OK!” and the raccoon is all “I have gone through so much garbage (literally) to find love and I am so excited to be starting my marriage in this beautiful home with its own fire extinguisher!” Actually, never mind: I’ve decided that any marriage this cute can’t be held back by hateful rhetoric and invective. I wonder where this couple is registered!
That’s it for me this week! Please send me links for next week and have an awesome Wednesday that doesn’t smell like burned beans because Allen doesn’t know when to take things off the stove so our whole house smells like I set fire to it again. Awesome!
SF feral cats need feeders! Help? »
Feral cats get a really bum, fucked-up rap, and people are extra-shitty to them. Not only are they run over and abused, they’re often poisoned or simply starve to death. Wow, way to bring the site down, Laura. SORRY. Anyway, maybe you can help? If you live or work near City College of San Francisco, USF, Stonestown Mall, or Golden Gate Park, maybe you could help feed them? You don’t have to commit to doing it every day, even one or twice a week would be AMAZING. All of the colony cats are spayed/neutered and vaccinated, so they just need fresh food and water. Kittens need your help, people. KITTENS.
Contact the following people if you can assist in their areas:
- If you can do USF and/or City College, email Azian
- If you can help with Stonestown area, email Brigid
- If you can help with Golden Gate Park, email Liliana
Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
So Valentine’s Day happened, and it was pretty awesome, right? Any holiday that allows meto eat as much chocolate as I want and force Allen to take me out to an expensive dinner accompanied by many presents is a good one for me. Allen is actually kind of screwed this time of year because as soon as he is done paying the credit card bills for all of the presents I demanded in the name of commercialized romanticism, there’s my birthday! And our anniversary is only 13 days after that! I am going to need to rent another apartment just to be able to contain all of the presents I will be receiving (if Allen knows what is good for him). And Allen is going to have to pay for that apartment. And bring all the presents in. And fan me as I lay on a couch and eat bon-bons, because that is what you do when you love someone. Or at least, that’s what the Hallmark cards say!
While Allen spares no expense in order to keep me happy, a city in the nation of Kyrgyzstan is taking a decidedly different approach when it comes to the thousands of stray dogs living inside its walls. Stray dogs, friends, are a huge problem; I agree. Therefore I am glad that the city of Bishek is building shelters for these dogs and making sure they find proper homes. Just kidding! Bishek officials have decided that this is too expensive and have chosen instead to send teams of hunters out to shoot the dogs early in the morning and late at night. Approximately 10,000 dogs will be murdered due to budget constraints. That’s 5,000 more than last year. Bishek City Hall Spokesman Pavel Klimenko urges the world not to consider the act barbaric. Oh, OK then! As long as you asked! I really wish it worked that way. I bet Lindsay Lohan would also like to tell the boutique she stole from that she understands what she did doesn’t “look good,” but she urges them to not view it as theft. Problem solved! Trial canceled.
Listen up, Bishek, you don’t get to do that! What you’re doing is, in fact, incredibly barbaric and wrong. I get that you’re an impoverished nation, but what are you doing to control the breeding of all these dogs in the first place? Obviously not a lot considering that you “had” to kill 5,000 last year. Why don’t you get on that? Perhaps once you’ve stopped committing barbaric acts you won’t have to worry as much about assuring us that everything’s fine.
Surprise, surprise: More bad shit is happening over in Ciudad Juarez. This time, it’s 35 animals who froze to death in the Chihuahua Zoo! So much for the idea that Mexico is a sunny wonderland year-round! This really sucks. Not only does it suck that the animals are in the zoo, but also because they’re in trapped in cages and wouldn’t be able to do anything about their predicament even if they knew what to do—which is doubtful, because they don’t really teach you how to live outside of captivity in the zoo. Beyond that, where were the people who were supposed to be taking care of these animals? Was it too cold for anyone to show up at the zoo to see that all the heating was cut off? Did they attempt to do anything, or did they just suppose that fur would keep these animals warm during the coldest period Mexico has had in the past six decades? There are too many questions and not enough answers that don’t make me want explode like a dormant volcano, raining fire and brimstone on the people in charge of this debacle!
Here’s some more about animals freezing; luckily this time we know who to blame! Remember last week when we talked about that woman who sent a dog in the mail? Yeah, she was bad and we are super glad she is not getting her dog back, but what about breeders? Breeders send animals on planes all the time! Then they breed more animals, and I’m sure many of these animals end up in shelters because people decide they don’t want them anymore, and then they die because people don’t get pets from shelters but from breeders, perpetuating this horrible cycle of animal death and cruelty. Then kittens die. Adorable hairless kittens. So who’s to blame? The breeder who recklessly sent an animal in the cargo hold of a plane from Utah to Connecticut? Delta, for leaving the kitten on the ground in seven-degree weather for 50 minutes? Or the new owners, who would have “thrown a tantrum if they knew their cat was dying,” but didn’t think it more prudent NOT to have a cat a flown to them in the first place? The kitten’s name was Snickers! Let that be on your conscience, breeders and people who buy from them!
Thanks for sending me links, Tim, Alexandra, and Megan Rascal! Please send me more links for next week and have an awesome rest of the week. Thank god it’s a three-day weekend!
This cat lives in a tree! Holy cannoli, I’m in love with a tree cat. The cat was actually born in the tree and then the mother brought all the kittens down EXCEPT little Almond here. Why? So sad. Luckily, Ron Venden, who lives by the tree, started taking care of the little kitty. He brings it meatloaf and built it a cute little shelter—a tree fort! Jealous. He even put a dry-food feeder up there! I know, you are like, “Um, it was a kitten, why didn’t he just pick it up and take it out of the dang tree?” But he says he’s tried a few times and Almond gets scratchy. Oh, that’s just like Almond! Silly tree kitty.
YOU GUYS! We have to help a kitty! I know, as a blog, we can get this cat into a new awesome home. I have faith in our collective radness. So, reader Mariko wrote in asking us to help her re-home a cat she helped save. Here’s the whole story from the Mariko’s mouth:
I recently took in a very sweet tortiseshell cat that a neighbor abandoned.
I’m pretty sure it’s female and former mommy as a fellow neighbor said the people who abandoned it took the kittens.
I know, sadness.
Anywho, the pretty female is very sweet and affectionate, literally crawls into someone’s lap within minutes of meeting them!
I would love to keep this sweeie pie but I have already 3 cats of my own and only 1 small apartment.
If you can take in this beautiful cat, even if you’d just be willing to foster and keep in contact while I find a permanent home, please respond.
I”m the Irvington area of Fremont. Please help ASAP.
I can be reached at (510)-284-9822
So, yo! Can you help??? You can call Mariko at the number above or email her. Seriously, let’s save this kitty! She’s so hella cute! Just look at that face and tell me you don’t want it suffocating you at 3 a.m. in the morning. Cause that’s what cats try to do, murder you and assume your place in society. Right? Anyway, EMAIL!