Review: Firefly!  »

My dad took me on a date to Firefly. It was a great date even though my mom came along. Honestly, that is how I feel when I eat out with my parents: it’s me and my dad and the precocious whiny 12-year-old who wants her steak cut into perfect squares or she’ll just DIE! I mean, I practically have to ask for a high chair because she is such a baby. Also, she’s about five feet tall and shrinking so the high chair comes in handy for that too. ANYWAY, despite the fact that we brought crazy town Momma B along for the ride, my dad and I had a lovely time. Sorry, did I say lovely? I meant bizarre.

Ordering with my mom and dad is like watching a figure skater fall. Humiliating. My mom recently announced to the family that she is going vegetarian. I’m kinda like, whatever, because my mom takes on new diets like Mary-Kate Olsen turns down life-sustaining food and beverage. Which is to say, every fucking day. So anyway, my mom is all, “Hmm…what should I GET? Maybe the fish?” and I’m like, “fish isn’t a vegetable,” and she’s all, “oh that’s right, I’m vegetarian now,” and my dad starts laughing hysterically and is all, “YEAH RIGHT! Did she tell you that, Laura? HAHAHA what a liar!” and my mom is all, “oh what are you going to order, JOHN? Bambi?” and my dad is all, “well maybe I will, JOYCE,”* and I’m all, “SHOOT ME IN THE MOTHERFUCKING FACE.”

Everything at Firefly is really, really delicious and there are always a couple of sides that are vegetarian or vegan (or can be made vegan) and at least one vegan entree. The vegan entree the night we went was OUT OF THIS WORLD. Basically, it was phyllo pastry stuffed with all sorts of perfectly cooked vegetables on a pile of perfect rice. My description is horrible but to sum it up, my knees buckled and angels sang; it was like being in heaven without the crappy death part. The vegan dish right now is roasted fall vegetables and sauteed greens with pomegranate salsa, quinoa and Luc’s Indiana green harissa. If brussels sprouts are on the menu, get them. Same with anything made with beets. I will be eating that on Saturday night when I go there on a for real date not with my parents. Moving up in the world!

Oh also, the waitresses are all sex pots and I wanted to mount the busboy at the table. LAURA GROSS WHAT THE STAFF’S ATTRACTIVE!!

So, more recap on actual establishment. Firefly: food is amazing, vegetarian and vegan options (although I wish there were more! C’mon! Give us more, Firefly, and you could be in Lauras for DAYS!) in a very romantical setting. It’s a date place if ever a date place existed. Plus, it’s nice to walk around Noe Valley hand in hand after dinner and count the number of screaming babies and then go home and make sweet love wearing 19 condoms and using a pound of spermicide. You might want to throw on a dental dam or five just in case. Alternately, you can just rip out your uterus and run it over with your car.

Oh and no vegan desserts at Firefly. Boo.

Finally, I must issue a demerit for the following reason:
I’m about to go on an Animal Rights Bender so please pass this enormously long run-on sentence if you can’t handle the HEAT! Firefly says something on the menu that’s like, “The animals that we serve are raised and slaughtered humanely and aren’t pumped full of chemicals and crack cocaine and shit like that,” and while that’s very cute and clever, the animals that they serve were not humanely slaughtered and just…the making light of something like that turns me off. It’s like, those animals gave their lives for you to fucking enjoy your pork tenderloin so don’t fucking make jokes about it. Almost all animals from every farm in the U.S. go to one of the few processing slaughterhouses that are HELLHOLES and they spend their final days scared shitless surrounded by death so really, don’t make a goddamn joke about it, goddammit.

*Ugh, fuck it! They’re both crazy!

[exterior photo via Firefly]


Review: Universal Cafe!  »

The wait at Universal Cafe for brunch is retarded. I mean, it’s (almost) utterly and impossibly unbearable. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to murder. On occasion, I may actually start to gnaw on my own hand to curb my painful hunger. Also, if it’s cold out, you better bundle up like the two SUPER-BEAUTIFUL and EXTREMELY HOT ladies in the above photo. The day this photo was taken, we waited for something like 19 hours. I still can’t feel my toes.

Once you get inside, this place is cool. It has a very New York City feel to it…could easily be in Chelsea or some such. They serve a very popular brunch, lunch, and dinner on most days. This is a good place to take your omni friends and family if you want to watch them eat meat in front of you as there are very few vegan options on the menu and honestly, that’s unacceptable. You’re hip, you’re in the Mission, you cater to assholes and guess what? A fair number of assholes in this neighborhood are vegan. I know, I am one. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE TOFUTTI, SAN FRANCISCO! Vegans are HERE! We’re QUEER! We’re FABULOUS! DON’T FUCK WITH US! AND MAKE US SOME MOTHERFUCKING BRUNCH BEFORE I HUNT YOU DOWN LIKE BAMBI, KILL YOUR MOTHER AND LEAVE YOU ALONE IN THE WOODS WITH ONLY A DERANGED RABBIT AS YOUR GUIDE. I mean, SHIT. Do I need to take this to the streets? Hasn’t it already been taken to the streets? I will not fucking sit at the back of the fucking bus. I want some fucking tofu scrambles, I want some fucking soy milk and I want some motherfucking Earth Balance. I MEAN, FUCKING A. Why such a reluctance to accept us vegans into your world? Aren’t you after the green, green money, hundred-dollar bills, y’all? I mean, I’ve got money. Most of it’s green. The rest of it is yellow. It’s made by Milton Bradley who, by the by, are HUGE counterfeiters that the government is just sitting back and letting do whatever they want for some reason that is unbeknownst to me. They’re also committing massive amounts of real estate fraud by selling the same properties on Park Place AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN. Obviously they are in bed with Cheney but I haven’t had the time to figure it out yet. It’s complicated. Moving on.

As I think I have just clearly demonstrated, most of the great thinkers of all time were at least vegetarian and that’s because they (mostly) weren’t around for the mayhem that is today’s dairy and egg industries. Einstein, Tolstoy, Thoreau, Shaw, Plato, Newton, Van Gogh, the Shelleys, Rilke, Byron. The list goes on and on. As far as vegan, that list is huge and growing. And vegans are fresh, check THIS out. Prince is vegan—and stands two feet tall, looks like a purple-clad alien and STILL sleeps with chicks hotter than you and I will ever land—Alice Walker is vegan, KEVIN NEALON (!!!!) is vegan, Coretta Scott King was vegan, Margaret Cho is vegan, Carl Lewis is vegan, Leonardo da Vinci was vegan!, Dave Davies is vegan, Keenan Ivory Wayans is vegan, MOTHERFLIPPING Weird Al Yankovic IS VEGAN. ARE YOU TOO COOL FOR WEIRD AL??!! This is the man who penned “I’m Fat” and “Amish Paradise.” HAVE SOME FUCKING RESPECT.  

All that (crazily) said…. The chef is lovely enough to always concoct something specially for me and it’s always ridiculous delicious. Often, it’s some sort of hash with potatoes and carrots and YUM. Served with fresh fruit and tasty bread, it’s a perfect meal. The only reason I’m reviewing this place is because their specially made-for-a-vegan item is better than most stuff you can get at other places. How hard would it be to throw that on the menu?? I mean, it’s called, PROGRESS. In San Francisco, in the year 2008, in a fucking too-cool-for-school time and locale, is that too much to ask? If it is, then I’m moving my ass to fucking Des Moines or Duluth or fucking Daly City because why the fuck else do I pay through the keister to live in an über- (faux?) liberal city where forward-thinking, intelligent folks are supposed to be de rigeur? WHY? Where the fucking fuck are my fucking options?!?!? Why am I being treated like a second-class citizen because I have some fucking morals and care about something that’s bigger than, “OMG! Baby! That bacon was SOOOOOO good! I could only eat one bite! I’m SO full!” Also, a special note to the Skinny White Bitch next to me the other day who ordered some huge-ass steak and was pretending to be all down with ordering tons of food because “I don’t know, I can eat whatever I want! My metabolism is through the roof!” Bitch, you piss me the fuck off. I waited on you for four years and you always order the same fucking thing to impress your man and then end up taking two goddamn bites, claim that you are stuffed and then watch as he eats both meals. It makes me SICK! I mean, fuck you. If I ate meat, I would at least have the decency to finish the fucking meal. An animal died for you. UGH!

I mean, FUCK.

Also, I say “fuck” aprox. 520 times in this review. Hi, mom!

Oh yeah, for dinner you’ll be stuck with your classic baby greens salad and fries. They can usually make you a vegan flat bread or pasta dish but it depends. Not reliable and really only a place to go when you’re eating with non-vegans. UNTIL THEY READ THIS REVIEW AND EVERYTHING CHANGES RIGHT UNIVERSAL CAFE?! Universal Cafe is all, “Fuck off!” and I’m all, “I think you’re really pretty.*” and they’re all, “OK, whatever you want, Laura.” and then we ride off into the sunset on a bed of organic, sustainable, vegan menu options! I love it!

*Everyone wants to feel pretty. Even restaurants. This review is out of control. I’m gonna stop typing now.

[top photo by Megan Allison; exterior photo via yelp]

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