vegansaurus!

Rosamunde Sausage Grill!

Rosamunde is a shit box hole in the wall where you can order all kinds of gross ass dead animal sausages and a couple vegan sausages. I believe they use Tofurky brand. The sauerkraut is first rate and grilled onions are delicious too. Basically everything you ever wanted to put on a sausage and the buns are terrific! And I’m not talking about the crazy German lady who works there! Or if I am, I’m also talking about the actual sausage buns too! The pickles are NYC Jewish deli style too, definitely worth the buck. Other than that, you can’t really eat in but you can take your sausage to one of the 54 bars nearby and enjoy it with some beer. Sausage and beer, people love that, right? I think that’s how it goes, fuck if I know, I’ve checked out of relating to the human race like 3 years-ago.

A final note. Whenever I come in here, I feel like recreating the breakdown scene from, “Half Baked”* But with sausage. First i would point to the dead chicken sausage and say, “fuck you!” and then i would point to the dead lamb sausage and say, “fuck you!” and then i would point to the vegan sausage and say, “you’re cool!” and then, “I’m out!” Actually, i would actually prolly say, “I’m out, bitches!” but that wouldn’t be staying true to the film. And if I’m anything, it’s accurate. And very good looking.

*This is a really great movie, btw. It was written by Dave Chappelle, directed by Tamra Davis (WHO ALSO DIRECTED THE PEERLESS, “BILLY MADISON” and is married to Beastie Boy, Mike D!) and has a cameo by Tommy Chong as the, “Squirrel Master”. Have I piqued your interest?

Love & Haight Deli

San Francisco is a town that goes to bed early. Or rather, it stops eating at around 9pm. Then, it takes itself to the Power Exchange for a nightcap. We are a city in which you can come be who you want to be and everyone will love you and ask you to get married illegally, unless the person you want to be is someone who wants to eat a meal that doen’t come from the liquor store after 10pm. That person is welcome to return to New York or LA or London or whatever place they came from.

Sure, there are a tiny number of all night diners, but with the exception of Sparky’s (which I’m sure we’ll get to in a bit), none offer much in the way of vegan options. Unless of course you are looking to eat the universal vegan meal: french fries. But when looking for something with a bit more substance to pre-empt your nasty hangover or to just accompany your late-night dinner cravings (some of us just get hungry later, geez!) there is Love & Haight Deli in the Lower Haight.

It’s very easy to ignore this place; I know I did for the first 1,000 times I walked by. But, once I discovered the magic within, I haven’t been able to stop eating their sandwiches. I swear, I have been to Love & Haight probably 50 times in the past two years and I have only ever ordered one thing: the “veggie chicken steak” sandwich on sourdough roll with avocado. It is a sandwich that will take you out on a date, open doors for you, give you an amazing kiss goodnight and then text you before you even have a chance to take off your shoes when you get home. It’s that good, you guys.

And (to bring it back to my original point), they’re open until 1am on weeknights and 2am on weekends. You heard me! Not only that, they have an awesome selection of beverages, chips to go with your sandwich, and for dessert, they sell Alternative Baking Company cookies! A full meal (and I don’t consider it to be a full meal until I’ve had a cookie) will set you back about $10, a reasonable amount considering the enormousness of the sandwiches.

More useful info if you don’t enjoy my life-changing prose: they very clearly mark what is and isn’t vegan on their menu, which is very helpful when choosing breads. Besides the veggie chicken steak, they have a few other fake meats on their menu, like veggie roast duck, veggie BBQ steak, and a few others, all from Layonna Vegetarian Health Food/heaven in Oakland. Unfortunately they do not offer vegan mayonnaise.

We all know Ike’s is the current king of vegan sandwiches in the Bay Area, but Love & Haight still deserves a shout out; it will be there for you when you just want a nice warm piece of wheat gluten with half of an avocado on top of it at 1:30 in the morning.

Ali Baba’s Cave!

Okay, what genius/saint thought it smart to grind, spice and fry chick peas into little fried balls of perfection? I’d like to shake that man’s hand and then possibly simulate oral sex on his fingers. Was this man Jesus himself? I’m not one to speculate on whether or not Jesus invented falafel balls but whoever did most likely can do other crazy shit like turn water into wine and start enormous holy wars based strictly on the debate of his existence. To you, sir, I say, BRAVO. I also say, PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST!!!

The falafel at Ali Baba’s Cave is really very yummy and you can add fried eggplant and fried potatoes and fuck if that isn’t the trifecta of fried deliciousness. However, i’m gonna be forced to take one demerit point because these fools NEVER listen to you and I think it’s worse if you’re a woman. Listen, I understand that i’m the weaker and stupider sex*, but if I say no fucking hot sauce, I mean no fucking hot sauce this whitey will DIE. And I know you don’t value my life because I am a woman but um, I don’t know what to say. I really have no ground to stand on when who I fundamentally am is a second class citizen at best and a wretched, whiny, bleeding, nagging, hooker beast at worst. What can you do? The falafel is REALLY good. It’s so good, in fact, that the other night, I exited Ali Baba’s Cave on a complete falafel cloud of happiness. I was so excited and happy about everything that I yelled, “cute dog!” to a guy and his super cute dog as they drove by. The guy gave me a puzzled look and as he rounded the corner, I noticed that what I saw in the back seat was not, in fact, a dog but rather, a very old and very short lady with curly white hair. Presumably his grandmother. I am an asshole. Also, this falafel? Possibly magical as it creates illusions of the eye. Also, I am an asshole.

Oh and there are two locations for your falafel pleasures, one in the Mission and one in the Lower Haight!

*This is a proven fact. Please don’t argue with me about “Right to Vote” and “Able to Show Face Flesh in Public”, Lucy Liberal and Esther Equality. Just get back in the kitchen and finish my pot pie, bitches! And if you forget the carrots like last time, there will be hell to pay. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I will murder your whole family.