Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
Yesterday I was informed that I have high blood pressure. The doctor was so concerned about my blood pressure, in fact, that she would not let me leave her office without signing up for tests, agreeing to check my pressure daily for a week, and swallowing some kind of medicine. I was not pleased yesterday and I am not pleased today. The doctor’s advice was to work less and enjoy life more. My thought about that: yes, but who is going to show up for work for me? And who will do all of my paperwork?
I do not think it is a coincidence that this happened the week after Allen and I welcome my former friend and roommate Ms. Cleo into our home. You see, Ms. Cleo (who is a giant black female rabbit) and I do not like each other very much. We spent two years together, and while we were fairly happy—I would supply her with food and toys, she would supply me with bites and scratches—we parted ways after I moved in with Allen. This happened for two reasons: first, I am never at home. At the time of the move I was shoulder-deep in grad school and was out of the house so much that I was not able to give Ms. Cleo the proper attention she deserved. Second, Allen was scared of her. I asked him to hold her once when we first started dating and I was attractively cleaning her cage before we went to dinner. She scratched Allen so hard that he dropped her (on the bed. She was on his lap. It was like less than an inch). The she turned and stared at him until he got up and walked out of the room. Then she peed all over my comforter to teach me a lesson. Allen was not happy about staying over that night.
Anyway, I moved and Ms. Cleo moved in with the roommate I was leaving, with the understanding that I would invite her back if circumstances deemed it necessary. And I hoped circumstances never would. Then my roommate had to move, and now we are living with Ms. Cleo indefinitely. I am probably allergic to her. Allen, on the other hand, could not be happier.
That’s right; Allen is in love with his former enemy. I know this because he gives her his organic vegetables every day (and knows which ones she likes), because he texts to remind me to play with her, because he willingly took me to a pet store and made me buy the most expensive stuff and because he talks to her. In Spanish. Regularly.
“Allen,” I said to him when I first walked in on him calling her Bonita and saying that she was très bien, “I do not think she understands that. She comes from an English-speaking household.”
“She gets it,” he said. “She speaks Spanish fluently.”
“How do you know?” I asked, wondering if Allen was some kind of modern-day Dr. Doolittle.
“Because I gave her a banana and said ‘eat the banana’ in Spanish.”
“And she ate it!”
“Maybe she just likes bananas,” I said.
“Maybe you should go see your doctor for an attitude adjustment,” Allen said, and went back to forcing pieces of bok choy through the bars of Ms. Cleo’s cage.
Perhaps I do. I do a lot of doom and gloom here on WTF Wednesday because doom and gloom brings me a lot of joy, but Allen has inspired me to do a “what’s good” week. Thank god the internet is happy to oblige.
First, there’s a dog who pisses while doing a motherfucking handstand. What is that? How awesome is it? Do you have any words, because I sure don’t. This dog just gets up on his front legs and says, “Watch this. This entire world is mine!” I think he is actually hitting a big area. I wish I could do this, but I can barely use the bathroom and can certainly not perform a handstand. Maybe I will have one of my yoga friends teach me. Then I can blame it on the rabbit and Allen will love her less and me more!
Here’s another thing that I like but I’m wondering if it is OK to. It’s a pack of puppies cuddling a kitten. Well, they are basically attacking the kitten, and then cuddling her. And she’s more like a full-grown cat. But they’re wagging their tails! And the cat ends up OK! And it is just so goddamn cute! Look at their little tails wag. What do you guys think? Is it all right for me to find this adorable? If it’s not, please take a look at this cat, who is more fashionable than either you or me.
Ok, fine, here is something unobjectionable: hedgehogs bathing! They are swimming! This is almost as cute as when I would bathe my guinea pig. She didn’t love it at first, but then she would get in the warm water and chill and squeak, just like these hedgehogs. I wish I could play this on loop. I wish I could give these hedgehogs a hug. I wish Allen loved me more than the rabbit. Wait…
That’s it for this week. Please send me links for next week and have an adorable Wednesday!