Almond milk is where it’s AT! »
The Wall Street Journal reports that almond milk is rocketing to stardom in the “dairy” aisle. Go on with your bad self, delicious almond milk! As you know, Megan Rascal is already a fan, and the rest of your Vegansaurus are pretty much on board, too. Well, by “the rest of,” I mean myself because HELLO BONBONS. I personally believe that Almond Dream bonbons are the reason for the season and by the season, I mean my fat ass. Love those things!
The dairy industry are typical assholes about the whole thing and complain very much about the competition and BOO FUCKING HOO, ASSHOLES. Everyone buy almond milk by the busload and recommend it to all your friends and buy it as birthday gifts—what! you’re already the weirdo vay-gun aunt, why not complete The Transformation—and let’s bring down those ungodly sociopaths. I, for one, am doing my part by eating my weight (and your weight) in Almond Milk Bon Bons, available at Whole Foods, Rainbow, and corner stores the city over!
Vegans represent on Dear Abby! »
A few weeks ago, Dear Abby published a question from a reader with an obnoxious brother who insisted that an entire holiday meal for 13 people be vegan because he has two vegan daughters. Dear Abby was horrified and told the dude to tell his bro and his daughters to stuff it and if they want something vegan at the meal, they should bring it them damn selves or just not come, i.e., MERRY CHRISTMAS, MOTHERFUCKERS. Fine, but Imma tell you something: Obviously those brothers have some other issues between them that stem far beyond the vegan meal. I can’t think of any vegan I know (and I know me some vegans) who would ever EVER insist that a holiday meal be entirely vegan. Some vegans have families who are ultra-accommodating and prepare an entirely vegan meal out of choice, some have awesome families who make sure there are plenty of vegan dishes, and some have to bring the vegan deliciousness with them, but I don’t know one vegan who is all, “MAKE THIS SHIT ENTIRELY VEGAN OR I AIN’T COMING AND YOU CAN EAT A DICK!” Letters like this perpetuate the mostly false stereotype of the “Difficult Vegan” AND in this case, it wasn’t even the vegans who were being difficult, it was their weirdo dad! If it even went down exactly how the poor victim brother who wrote the letter says it did, and I have my doubts. Can I get a witness?? Literally!
Anyway, I fumed about this for several days BUT TODAY, I saw that Abby (who is really named Jeanne now, that’s gotta cause some identity issues!) published some letters from awesome vegans who were all, “Hey! I’m not like that! And my eating choices are valid!” and so, that’s rad and all is well in the world and I don’t have to go ‘Mel Gibson in Falling Down" on your asses. Or "Mel Gibson drunk on a police officer." Or "Mel Gibson sober on his wife."
FINALLY, if you ever need any vegan advice, hit me up at Ask Laura (my advice column in VegNews!) and I’ll solve all your worldly problems and then some. And by and then some, I mean, I’ll also make fun of you and if you include your address, send you a coupon for a 50 cents off your next Wildwood tofu purchase, I’ve got a million! Ask away!