Hello, Friends! it’s WTF Wednesday!   »

You guys, Allen and I bought a tv! This means we are together forever! Allen tried to inform me that the washer and dryer we’d purchased two years ago was a bigger deal but fuck clean clothes, I can finally use the Playstation 3 I bought him like 15 thousand years ago (for him! Not for me!) and play all of the awesome games I’ve been missing out on while Allen has been waffling on what kind of TV we were going to get. And we can truly test the limits of our relationship as Allen sees how incredibly angry I can get at a video game and also at anyone who tries to help me or suggests that if ‘very easy’ is too intense or difficulty for me then perhaps I should use the console as a Blu-ray and tv-watching machine and save some money.

Actually, Allen has been incredibly helpful in beating some of the games and on Saturday we accomplished the feat of completing God of War in a cooperative manner. Earlier that day, Allen and I had gotten locked out of our apartment and I had not been as cooperative in understanding how he could have left the house without keys as I was when he was unable to murder a horde of harpies the first time he tried. Allen sees this as a problem. I do not. Sometimes I feel Allen does not focus on the important things in life, like saving ancient Athens from burning and freeing yourself of the memories of all the people you’ve slaughtered along the way.

At least I’m not lonely, though. I mean Allen and I bicker constantly but it’s fun and playful and I wouldn’t be able to be a part of any relationship in which I couldn’t constantly threaten murder and evisceration upon my partner (Allen knows I am too lazy to actually follow through). We can’t say the same for Lonesome George, the giant rare tortoise who passed away earlier this month. He refused to be in any relationship! I respect that, but I wouldn’t be able to do it.  And it makes me feel kind of lonely just thinking about him and his lonesome death an the fact that he was the last tortoise of his kind and he was just going to take that with him. Actually, that part I kind of get, just set it all on fire when you go.

Just as Lonesome George was dying, though, three rare White Tiger cubs were born in the Ukraine (Hi Ukraine! Remember when I lived next to you?). That reminds me of this one time Laura and I were watching House and a woman collapsed in the first two minutes and I was all “Aneurysm!” because I had been playing a lot of Trauma Center and Laura was all “I bet she’s pregnant,” and she was! And then Laura predicted that the woman would have to die to give the baby life and she was correct then too, and then she spent ten minutes after the episode explaining the mysteries of life to me because I just didn’t understand. Which is exactly what this seems like.

Just so we’re not all depressed as we venture forth on this glorious hump-day (I am writing this in bed before I have to go to work!) here’s a video of a baby turtle (on theme!) eating the fuck out of a giant raspberry. This video really makes me want to go out and eat raspberries but only serves to remind me that the only thing I have to look forward to is a bowl of oatmeal after an hour of step aerobics.

That’s it for this week! Please send me links and PS3 recommendations for next week and have a harpy free Wednesday!


Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday!  »

So I was reading the Facebook this week (this is how my parents refer to websites, by the way. They put a “the” in front of everything and say adorable things like “Hey Mark, you need cheap plane tickets? Did you look on the Twitter? I hear this where good deals are!”) and my friend Stephanie had this amazing article about a baby deer that is wearing a fucking headscarf! Okay, first of all, check this out: The Deer was rescued by St. Tiggywinkles Wildlife Hospital, which I thought was a joke until I googled it. Is this not the best name for a hospital ever? Of course it is in the UK and is for animals so my insurance won’t cover it, but if I were an animal I would know I was in good hands with a hospital with a name like that! So this deer, right? Her name is “Bless Her Little Heart” and she lost both ears in a dog attack. Then the folks at Tiggywinkles rescued her and put her in this amazing (and on-trend) headwrap that makes her look like she is about to do something awesome, like star in a movie or release an album of heartfelt R&B covers. And then she fell in love! With another baby deer! His name is Max, and they are boyfriend and girlfriend and look fucking adorable together and should probably have their own Disney show about overcoming adversity and then lifting other people’s hearts by being a beautiful soul and then also having two personalities: “Bless Her Little Heart” when she’s not wearing the headwrap and “Hannah Deertana” when she is!

I have figured out a way for you guys to live through the zombie apocalypse (if it happens) and live forever (or to a reasonable age) if it doesn’t happen: vegetable soup! Don’t believe me? This one billionaire is extending his life and health by eating mostly vegetables. He’s even spent $500 million on a research institute that is working on proving his belief that eating HELLA PLANTS is the way to LIVE FOREVER. Here’s what his lunch looks like: “a six-fruit smoothie; a mixed-leaf salad with toasted walnuts, fennel and blood orange; a soup with more than eight vegetables and beans; a sliver of grilled Dover sole on a bed of baby carrots, broccoli and brown rice. ” The sole is disgarsting because you don’t need to be scarfing fish to be healthy, but the rest of it doesn’t sound so bad. What I also like about him is that he is all about making grandiose claims and then also being stern with people who don’t eat everything on their plates. That’s how I want to be when I’m old, all ornery and telling people what to do. Being a billionaire would be nice too, but they don’t pay you too much to fight off zombies with your vegetable-induced superpowers!

We are on a pretty happy roll here: zombie apocalypse averted, deer getting fashionable and finding love, SOUP! The problem is that I’ve been thinking about this marriage equality thing and I am really concerned right now. I used to think it was ridiculous when people were all “Dude, if gays marry then soon men will be marrying their horses and shit!” I would be all “No, that wouldn’t happen because horses can’t consent and also humans and horses are completely different species so that is a specious (GRE WORD!) argument.” And then I saw this and all of my own arguments just went out the window:

It’s a fucking raccoon carrying a cat over the threshold to their new house where they are going to start a whole new life together! What’s next, dogs and hamsters? Rabbits and pigeons? Where is it going to end? Look at that cat! It is all “I am nervous about my first time, but this is also true love so I think it is going to be OK!” and the raccoon is all “I have gone through so much garbage (literally) to find love and I am so excited to be starting my marriage in this beautiful home with its own fire extinguisher!” Actually, never mind: I’ve decided that any marriage this cute can’t be held back by hateful rhetoric and invective. I wonder where this couple is registered!

That’s it for me this week! Please send me links for next week and have an awesome Wednesday that doesn’t smell like burned beans because Allen doesn’t know when to take things off the stove so our whole house smells like I set fire to it again. Awesome!

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