vegansaurus!

01/12/2011

Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday!  »

You guys, the sky is falling! The world is ending! We have like two minutes before the sun falls into the Earth and incinerates us! And I had more WTF links this week than I have ever had before. I didn’t even have to go scrounging through the dark alleys of the internet to find something to be angry about, because you brought it right to me! Actually, that may be more of a sign that the apocalypse isn’t happening. Let’s just withhold judgment for now!

First up, dead birds have been falling out of the sky all over the country. There are several explanations for the birds’ deaths. For example, on the science side of things we learn that the birds may have been confused by fireworks (although many are skeptical), hit by lightning, or suffered some other kind of trauma. In fact, mass die-offs (have you ever heard a term more romantic? Thanks, Rachel!) apparently happen fairly regularly and are generally considered to be a fact of life. So what’s different this time? Why are we getting all freaked out? Technology! Before, people knew about the deaths, people sometimes cared, and I imagine that it was probably reported on the local news or whatnot. Now: THE INTERNET! Yes, friends, the www is awesome for getting your porn fix and reading the latest about crazy people, but it is also good for FREAKING YOU THE FUCK OUT! Honestly, with one click you can find something to horrify you on the internet, and with the speed that information is being transmitted and then rewritten by each individual site, it is no wonder that these bird deaths have become a harbinger of doom as opposed to a really sad occurrence. Of course, if this doesn’t work for you, there is another explanation: GOD!

In this video, Cindy Jacobs of Generals Ministries reveals that the massive die-offs are a direct result of the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell repeal. She even has reasons why the birds fell in Arkansas—Clinton!—and suggests that even worse things will happen if this great nation allows homosexuals to marry. I actually didn’t know that God held such stock in American politics, nor that he wasn’t above randomly killing some birds and some fish to get his point across. Also: I know that this has already been said like 5 million times, but why is this woman dressed like Eddie Izzard? What is going on here?

In other news, Americans are still shooting at anything they find strange. Tim sent me an amazing story about how people deal with things they do not know about over in Kentucky. To summarize: Man sees something moving in a field; man does not know what this moving thing is; man shoots the thing; and people speculate on the strange thing’s identity. I cannot honestly do this article justice (congratulations, Tim!) because the farmer interviewed has produced one of the most frightening quotes I have ever read.

"I just happened to walk out on the porch and saw something moving in the field and it just looked unusual…. Well, it’s something strange, so I got my rifle to shoot it, get a closer look. And I’m glad I did, ‘cause I don’t know what it is."

This is just the American Way, right? Shoot first and ask questions later. The most interesting part of this article is that the “Chupacabra-like” animal wasn’t even doing anything—the guy had to look through binoculars to see it and then he just decided to shoot it to get a closer look. I wonder how these people feel now that they know that the strange evil being was actually just a bald raccoon. Regardless, I doubt that they’re going to feel much remorse, as scientists agree that the “thing” was “hideous.” Way to go, human race!

That’s all for this week! Next week, we get angry about horse abuse, zebra shootings, and anything else that you guys send my way. Please email me links for next week and have an awesome Wednesday—just don’t look too strange!

[photos, from top: bird by foxes and bears; Eddie Izzard by Profound Whatever; furious raccoon by alvario tapia hidalgo; Ivy the chupacabra by juco]

01/06/2011

Did you know January is a total DEATH MONTH? For real, we’re all GOING TO DIE!  »


Or at least we will if we live in Arkansas or Florida, or Kentucky or Louisiana or Maryland or Texas, or Australia or Brazil or England or New Zealandit’s flooding poisonous snakes and crocodiles in Australia, and everywhere else animals are falling from the sky or washing ashore dead as doornails. There’s a “hilarious” Taiwanese animation about it, but by “hilarious” I mean “kind of horrifying,” so please click the above link to watch it, should you feel any desire to. I don’t!

I’m not saying it’s “end times”—Vegansaurus is saving that joke for 2012, obviously. It may however be a DEATH MONTH, in which loads of air and sea creatures die and other animals attempt to kill us people, for reasons we can’t fathom, because we are not smart enough. Also we’re too scared, which is on the other hand totally easy to understand, as this is terrifying! Maybe it’s nature’s judgment for our having been awful monsters for so long, although that doesn’t explain why a bunch of innocent animals have to die for us to learn not to be such jerks.

Probably all these horrors are directly related to our ruining our environment. You know, I bet it’s plastics’ fault. We need to reduce our plastics consumption, you guys! Hey, maybe start by attending that Etsy event at Craft Bar tonight! Since plastic is utterly unavoidable, though, let’s try investing in bioplastic! The planet is obviously trying to expunge us, for crimes against existence; let’s try to do a little to mitigate our horrible selfishness, before the 100 tons of dead fish washing ashore become 100 tons of LIVING fish washing ashore, ones that have mutated into flesh-eating, air-breathing monsters who use their fins to fly out of the waves to kill us all in as painful a manner as possible.

Fish and birds are kinda scary, right? But better the air and the water full of scary potential people-destroyers than totally empty except for our own toxic waste. HA HA we’re all going to die!

[blackbird by Sergey Yeliseev; snapper by tkw954. Inspiration from Richard L.]

page 1 of 1
Tumblr » powered Sid05 » templated