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04/18/2011

Lady Gaga didn’t make anyone kill a cat, but this shit is still hella sad!  »

A 20-year old girl, getting ready for a bangin’ night out, goes through her normal beauty regimen. Glitter: check. Water bra: check. Whiskey flask: double check. Outfit splattered in neighbor’s cat’s blood: Ch-wait, what?

I guess pre-gaming is a little different these days. Angelina Barnes from good ol’ Oklahoma has been charged with animal cruelty, and being a fucking creep, after a series of events leading up to a Lady Gaga concert. Gaga, no offense, but this kiiind of trumps your meat dress.

A news report states a relative of Barnes came home, presumably to unwind with a nice Colt 45 and a little Idol, only to see a “completely dark house, with duct tape covering light switches.” [Ed.: creepy!] And there Barnes was, just hanging out in “a long coat with streaks of what ended up being cat blood on her face.” It puts the lotion in the basket.

Poor Whiskers. It’s clear this woman is very mentally unstable. Ready for some more of investigators’ findings? Purple hair dye/blood all over the bathroom; a drowned kitty-kins, belly cut open and “eyes mutilated; the cat’s liver was found in a makeup case on counter.” So Barnes was taken to a hospital, where she went all Girl, Interrupted and tried to slice a nurse with some glass. Her family claims she has previously suffered from depression, but this behavior was completely out of character. Not that anyone ever says, “Oh, yeah, I taught my kids how to appease the gods by offering up the blood of innocent critters. I also like them to use scented candles for ambiance.”

Of course, the media loves to blame famous persons. Especially famous liberal persons. If it’s not Josh Groban, it must be the devil. Fox was quick to correlate a young student’s suicide to an Obama speech on the same campus. So, like Marilyn Manson’s plight of the ’90s, Gaga must now pick up the burden on the fucked up happenings of her fans. You monsters. Barnes, I hope you have a nice recovery, and mental illness is a rough biz, but the cat didn’t do anything to you.

[Ed.: Now let’s all look at cute adoptable cats because 1. You know you’re already looking at kitty porn! and 2) I need to focus on something that’s not super fucked up so I can get out of bed tomorrow morning!]
It’s Anya! She’s up for adoption in Alameda (MY ISLAND HOME FROM WHENCE I CAME) and she’s adorable and you want to spoil her with awesome love and not drown her and smear her blood on your body. I know that normally goes without saying but as it turns out, you can never be too careful! Ugh!

This guest post was brought to us by Jessi Stafford! Jessi is originally from St. Louis…ish. She’s now squandering her fortune while freelancing in Baton Rouge, LA. A University of Missouri Journalism grad, Jessi uses her degree for cocktail-drinking. She loves hyperbole and whoring around thrift stores. Jessi’s becoming a regular (guest poster) on Vegansaurus and we love it!

10/20/2010

Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday!  »

Goats, man. Why you gotta fuck with ‘em? ‘Cause you think they’re all docile and shit? You think a goat can’t get gangsta? No, a goat can get gangsta. And unfortunately a goat got medieval on a hiker who was at the wrong place at the wrong time. You don’t hear about something like that every day, do you? But that’s probably because you don’t hear about park rangers encouraging visitors to hurl rocks at aggressive goats, either.

Let me be clear with you: Never taunt, harass, or torture anyone who has been called “aggressive.” Now, maybe that’s clear to me because I have years of psychological training, but I thought that was pretty much common sense in general. You don’t stand within throwing distance of (or even approach) Naomi Campbell, you don’t welcome Bjork to Bangkok, and you certainly, CERTAINLY do not toss rocks at a wild animal who is known to get riled up. No matter who tells you to do it. QUICK STORY ABOUT THE DANGERS OF THROWING ROCKS: When I was seven I had to wear an eye patch to deal with my Paris Hilton eye (later corrected) with surgery. Patches don’t do shit except make you look like an awesome pirate! (Thanks, mom!). My brother and his friend thought it was hilarious that I couldn’t see anything and as I was wandering around the playground looking like a lonely pirate, they decided to throw a rock at me because it would surprise/stun/kill me. Luckily for me, they had bad aim. They hit a nursing mother instead. Everyone was fine, but the moral of the story is DON’T FUCKING THROW ROCKS!

Here’s the thing: The man-killing goat was known to be aggressive, but things could have been done differently. Instead of “hazing” the goat to be frightened of humans by chucking things at it, they could have airlifted it to another area—like they did in the 1980s when the high goat population endangered the environment—where people aren’t as likely to happen upon it. There could have been a protocol of something other than “throw rocks at it to make it go away” when people encountered the goat. I’m sure the rangers could have held a town hall meeting or something. Instead, a gentleman who was enjoying his lunch was gored to death and the goat was found and killed. That sucks.

God, you know what’s depressing? Besides having to write a 100-page paper in the next nine months? Being a caged animal at the zoo. You know what’s worse than that? When holidays come around and the zoo decides that the best way to celebrate Halloween is to let people feed you pumpkin snacks. Apparently this is part of the Oklahoma City Zoo enrichment program that is supposed to be beneficial to the animals’ mental and physical well-being, but I don’t see how this is going to make the rhinos and beavers feel any better about having to live in a cage their entire lives. Maybe the enrichment program could focus on not bringing any more animals to the zoo? And maybe not feeding them holiday-themed snacks? Apparently, most of the animals consider pumpkins to be a super-special treat, but as someone who is somewhat pumpkin-phobic, I’m pretty skeptical.

That’s all for today. Please join me next week when we will be preparing for Halloween with awesome/awful costumes. SPOILER: Butchers are saying that people should refrain from making meat dresses of their own. That’s a small relief at least. I was getting pretty worried that the meat dress was going to be this year’s Borat.

Send me costume pictures and ideas! Or comment below! I’m basically begging for your help here!

[mountain goat photo by Flickr used Bill Gracy; spectacled bears by Flickr user seanabrady; Magellanic penguins by Flickr user karenchu121]

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