vegansaurus!

09/18/2009

Product Review: Miracle Fruit Tablets!  »

This is also just basically a how to. HAVE AN AWESOME TIME WITH SOME COOL-ASS CRAZYPANTS BERRIES THAT CHANGE YOUR TASTE BUDS WHAT WHAT.

You will need: these Miracle Fruit tablets. No, they are not LSD, Dad. They are just tablets made to replicate the effect of the miracle fruit. And maybe some LSD WHO KNOWS? Oh wait, and there isn’t a real difference between the tablets and the actual miracle fruit berries so don’t think you’re all better than everyone else if you go the distance and spend the extra scrilla for the berries. Don’t be a dumbass, Moneybags. You will also need your parents. Well, I had my parents because that’s HOW I ROLL. WITH PARENTS. Tell yours, I really get along well with older people! Anywho.

What we did: Um, we took the tablets. Don’t know why I had to get all boldly violent on you just then. Anyway, you just gotta spread the tablets all over your tongue, especially the tip because that’s where the majority of your taste buds are. There is a word that could be substituted in the above sentence and it would be a lot grosser. I leave it to your imagination since this is now a Classy Blog. Next, we waited a couple minutes. Then, we ate hella food. It was great. Lemons, limes, grapefruits, coffee, strong beer (an IPA and/or a stout, preferably), and, of course, Sour Patch Kids.

Our results:
Grapefruit, lemons and limes just taste like candied versions of themselves. DELICIOUS!

Sour Patch Kids still tasted sour but much less so and covered in sugar with the delightfully appropriate amount of sour and yum. I ate the whole bag and I ain’t ashamed and ANYWAY WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME??

Coffee and beer were just totally free of bitterness. I liked them much better without the strong taste but then, I am a wimp when it comes to bitter things. Drinking the coffee on miracle fruit, I could have sucked down the grounds. GROSS I KNOW RIGHT?

Basically, this is a really fun food thing to do that doesn’t require you be an omnivore. In fact, I heard it doesn’t impact the taste of meat at all really. Well, maybe it’s a little grosser. Yeah, I bet it’s even grosser. Let’s go with that.

I think that’s all from me. I could go into the history of the berry and the ancient shit and wisdom but frankly, we both know that all you give a shit about is how to order this shit as fast as possible and get high off food. DO IT.

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