vegansaurus!

09/29/2010

Hello friends, it’s WTF Wednesday!  »

Well, hello there! Aren’t you looking attractive today! Almost as attractive as these dogs in a photo booth:

[Photo from vi.sualize.us]

These dogs are not only looking awesome (SUNDAY BEST, MOTHERFUCKERS!) but are also emulating exactly what each one of us does in a photo booth: one regular photo and then three photos of insane making out. Even if you’re taking the photo alone. Which I usually am. That means it’s usually just one photo of me smiling for my mom and then three of me frantically tonguing the wall and crying. Life!

Last week I got an email (email me!) from Becki who lives halfway across the world (as soon as I got it I was all, “WHOA! STOP THE PRESSES! ALLEN I GOT A LETTER FROM SOMEWHERE IN EUROPE!” and Allen was all, “like a real letter? In one of those awesome envelopes?” and I said “SURE! EXACTLY LIKE THAT! BUT IN MY EMAIL!” and then Allen groaned at me and went back to sleep because he does not like to be disturbed at 3 a.m. Something about working in the morning. BORING!)! Becki wanted to share something great and uplifting with me (which will get its own post!) to combat some of the sadness of the last WTF Wednesday offerings. I’ve been thinking about that a lot, and so today we’re going to shatter the idea that WTF Wednesday has to be all doom and gloom! Because it doesn’t! It’s whatever we want it to be! It is like the ’70s! Except without STDs! Or, rather, with fewer STDs!

Let’s talk about Hamsters! First of all, hamsters are the world’s most perfect animal. I know that you may disagree with me, but you are wrong. And this has nothing to do with the fact that I went vegetarian because I adopted a hamster off the street. I AM NOT BIASED AT ALL! You want more proof? You ever see a wombat (very cute!) wielding a chainsaw? You ever see a prairie dog (adorable!) playing rap? You may not know this but Hamsters are OGs (and I am not talking OLIVE GARDEN!). Bunny (R.I.P. BIG POPPA!) used to terrorize bigger animals all the time! She taught my other hamsters how to escape their cages! She once tossed a piece of corn at someone for looking at her wrong! If Bunny were with us today, I’m sure she could have taught these hip-hop HAMSTAZ a thing or two!  Sadly, there was one thing Bunny couldn’t do: she couldn’t play an instrument, so she was never able to join a jazz trio. I will never forgive myself for not encouraging her love of music.

Then there are pandas! Yes, I know! You’ve seen the baby panda sneezing? An oldie but a goody! BUT have you seen this panda have a sneezing fit? No, you go ahead! I will just wait patiently until you finish convulsing in reaction to all of the cute flooding your system. But why leave it at pandas? Do other animals not sneeze? Isn’t there a baby elephant, perhaps, sneezing itself silly somewhere? Why yes, YES THERE IS! Let’s just stop this before we both pass out! Let’s go look at something sparkly!

Laura just hepped me (lolz!) to this awesome video of people dressed as MY LITTLE PONY doing musicals. First, horses and ponies are so rad, and I love reading good stories about them, AND ALSO HATE reading bad news (everyone help the wild horses!). Secondly, when that blue pony is doing “Defying Gravity” and climbs up onto the ramp to sing the grand finale, I almost cried. Not only because it is a fucking pony singing and dancing,* but because it wanted to keep the INTEGRITY of the original staging! Why is there not more stuff like this on the internet? Usually you just get this guy doing songs from A Chorus Line with the most dramatic head rolls I’ve ever seen. How does he not give himself whiplash? He used to do an amazing cover of “Part of Your World,” and although this is not his original version, the CAMERA WORK and props are amazing. I wish he wouldn’t refer to him as a “boy” in the song, though. You’re going to do Little Mermaid? You’ve got to OWN Little Mermaid, like Abby and I did for Hazel’s benefit! Fuck it, here we are being fabulous:

[can’t see the video? watch it at vegansaurus.com!]

Boy, am I exhausted! You know what would counteract that (besides not receiving any more lectures from Allen for waking him up at night for no good reason when he has to put up with me all day already AND JESUS, MARK!)? If you would send me links that would make you happy to see on Vegansaurus! Links to articles and videos that gave you pause and/or made you think “oh my god, what is UP with that?”

And puppies! You see those puppies up there? We can have that EVERY WEEK! And it’s all up to you! and my editor [Ed.: Damn skippy, crazy!]. But mostly YOU! AT LEAST 89 PERCENT YOU!

Have an awesome day!

09/22/2010

Hello friends, it’s WTF Wednesday!  »

Hello and welcome to “WTF Wednesdays,” an exciting new Vegansaurus feature. Notice that I did not spell out the F word because I want this post to be classy and family-friendly. Kind of like Hooters, but without the chicken wings. Or the girls in tight-fitting uniforms. Or the deep-fried pickles, which are, admittedly, the best part of the Hooters experience. Here is how you can make them! See, we are learning already!

Now, let’s jump right into the fuckery (oops!) going on this week!
First up, we have a bear who got killed for being a bear. The Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks (FWP) officials said that the black bear and her cubs were “causing trouble,” so they “euthanized” her for committing her “third offense.” Oh, OK. I didn’t know you could communicate with bears, Montana FWP. I’m sure this was a difficult decision for you and I’m also sure that you read the bear her fucking rights after arresting her for her last offense, in which she TURNED OVER SOME GARBAGE CANS with her cubs. The bears had already been caught once during the summer and relocated to another part of Montana, but surprise, they returned to their home in the Helena Valley. An FWP game warden in Helena is curious how the bears found their way home and suggests that they “have some kind of homing device.” NO SHIT, idiot. I know where I live, too. And I bet if you were kidnapped for doing what you do, taken to a different part of the state, and let out into the wild, you would find your way back to your home, too. How are animals different? Because they can’t talk? What is wrong with you?

Even worse, the article reports that “residents…know to keep their garbage cans and pet food indoors,” because the bears are around. That’s right; bears scavenge from garbage cans sometimes. Sometimes they kill chickens, too. You people were told to keep your shit inside, but because you chose not to be responsible for your garbage, a mother bear was murdered—so now you’re responsible for the death of one bear, and the lives of her two orphaned cubs.

OK, what’s next? It’s a woman who shot an alligator. Oh, but it’s not just any alligator. It is her first alligator! It weighed 1,025 pounds! And killing it was apparently “the hunt of a lifetime!” Congratulations on being a horrible person, Maryellen Mara-Christion of Fitchburg, Mass.! Did you guys know that it is illegal to shoot a free-swimming alligator in South Carolina, where Maryellen killed this one? For a second, I thought this woman would get into trouble, but no, it’s legal to shoot an alligator once you have used “large snatch-hooks” to prevent it from swimming. Then you can shoot the alligator with a gun, or harpoon—hunter’s choice!

Unfortunately, Maryellen’s gun was not of sufficient strength to kill the alligator which, after two hours, she had hooked to the side of her boat, so when she discovered that shooting the alligator wasn’t going to finish it, Maryellen decided to attack the problem more directly, BY PLUNGING A KNIFE INTO THE ALLIGATOR AND SEVERING ITS SPINE! Charming! Equally charming is Maryellen’s description of the killing: “It was just shake, shake, shake,” she said. “I was shaking for a long time after, but that happens when you hunt.”

Maryellen says that each animal she hunts is a “unique experience” and that she is not “afraid of the alligators.” Seriously? YOU HAVE GUNS AND HARPOONS! What about an alligator is frightening to you and your arsenal? Oh, and you’ve hunted black bear before, too, have you? AWESOME! Maybe you got the chance to orphan some cubs, just like the Montana FWP!

So that’s all for this week. I am hoping to make “WTF Wednesday” a weekly thing, and I hope you will help me! If you happen to come across something amazing/fucked-up/dramatic that pertains to vegans, vegetarians, adorable animals, animals singing, or anything else that is SUPER-AWESOME during your travels on the information super-highway, please send me a link at my brand-new email address, mark@vegansaurus.com. If sending me an email is too much commitment (I know, we’ve only just met! But I’ve never felt this way about anyone else!), please link things in the comments!

Have a great Hump Day!

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