vegansaurus!

Liguria Bakery!

Liguria bakery in North Beach is one of those places in San Francisco that not a whole lot of San Franciscans seem to know about. Maybe it’s that so many San Franciscans sort of shun North Beach, leaving it to the tourists and the peep-show perverts; maybe it’s that it’s just out of the way. Whatever the reason, vegans in San Francisco would do well to remember its name, because Liguria makes the BEST focaccia bread ever, and it is awesome.

Before you hit up this mythical North Beach bread paradise, however, you should be aware of a couple things: 1) Liguria does pretty much ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY (though it does it in about nine flavors), and that thing is big-ass pieces of focaccia bread. You can get a slice that’s about the size of a piece of standard copier paper for between four and five bucks depending on the kind you want. It will feed you for a day if all you want to eat is bread (and believe me, you DO). 2) They open early (8 a.m. on weekdays and 7 a.m. on weekends), and they close when they sell out. This also tends to be early, so get there before 11 a.m. if you don’t want your trip to be for nothing! 3) The ladies who work here are mean as fuck. I’m sure they’re really nice in real life when they’re not serving the hordes of North Beach frat boy tourists or tourists looking for “The Real San Francisco,” but even if you’re really nice and say “could I please have a piece of the olive focaccia please” with about 80 extra “pleases” thrown in, they will look you up and down with a look of pure hatred and only reluctantly get you your order (which is totally fine with me—I like when service people are able to express their hatred of customers—but if you’re easily offended, you’d best steel yourself). 4) They only take cash, so don’t be that jerk who can’t read the sign and then creates a bunch of hassle for everyone!

When I was there, I had a piece of the olive focaccia and the garlic focaccia, and both were completely insane. I’d been told to try the pizza variety, but I panicked and couldn’t remember if it had cheese on it or not (and didn’t want to ask), so I missed out, but for future reference, I can assure you that the pizza focaccia IS VEGAN—it’s basically tomato sauce on bread. Anyway, the bread is fluffy and soft, but not so soft it falls apart. The edges are a little crunchy in the best possible way, and the toppings are flavorful and generously applied.

There’s not a whole lot else I can say except that it’s definitely worth the trip up to North Beach (grab some xox truffles while you’re at it) and the fat ass. Go get it, vegans!

Loving Hut! Part two, Megan Rascal’s take!

First of all, I’m not saying Loving Hut is run by a cult, but I think they might be run by a cult. And a fairly young blond woman seems to be at the helm [Ed.: she’s actually a 10,000 year-old Vietnamese woman who made a pact with the devil so that she might be the best poet, painter, musician, jewelry designer, fashion designer, and self published writer IN THE ENTIRE LAND]. But despite pictures on the walls and pamphlets everywhere, no one really bothers you about their agenda or even explains it and that is just fine with me. And before you say anything, I’m totally into their logo! Well I’d cut out a bunch of the crap but I really like the Lavern and Shirley style L with the pretty hearts! Admit it, you like the hearts.

The service was kind of awful. And I hate complaining about service; like you could pour hot coffee down my back and I’d still tip 20% (totally happened one time with a stripper in Phoenix but it was a vodka tonic and I was in love), but this guy was pretty bad. He forgot our food and then was just never around though we were one of a few tables occupied. But then I heard him talking to a table of young scamps and he told them that, actually, he was volunteering—you know, in the name of veganism! I said, good, because nobody should be paying this dude. Except maybe to be all tall. Tall people, always taunting me.

The whole time we were there, they also had people outside tabling with pretty awesome felt vests on. I was just thinking that maybe the volunteer kid could be out there tabling and they could put more effort into service in the restaurant because people remember that shit. We can put up with it for the sake of vegan food but I doubt a non-vegan would deal with that again.

First we got the potato salad. It was pretty good. It was more like the deviled egg recipe I used to make (back when I was vegetarian and sold Tupperware) because it was very mustardy and had relish in it. It also had pasta shells in it, which was interesting, but as potatoes are vegan, maybe we can just have potatoes in potato salad. I guess I’m more of a traditionalist; the vegan-mayo based recipe floats my boat just fine.

The spring rolls were EXCELLENT. I love spring rolls and it’s hard to find bad ones but these were extra extra crispy, just the way I like. They didn’t come with that orange-colored sauce they usually come with which made me sad. But they were extra extra crispy… just the way I like!

I’m sad to say it but our entrees were not super. I got the pad thai and my pal got the crispy noodle. It was nice to see pad thai without egg in it so that was cool. It was spicy which I’m not used to with pad thai but maybe that’s because I’m a whitey and other restaurants dull it down for me. My dining partner, the beautiful Asli, did NOT like her crispy noodles. She was very excited for the fake shrimp that came on top—some kind of yam paste made to look like real shrimp—but she didn’t like them that much. And there was way too much sauce, it was spilling over the sides of her plate. Kind of gross. Another thing to note: the portions were super giant, like would easily feed 2.

One great thing is that they have lots of dessert options! Mostly cakes. The other day, a friend of mine brought me some chocolate from there in exchange for DRUGS (I told him he couldn’t pay me because then I’d be a drug dealer but I did accept the cake though because I think that’s a grey area). I’m still obsessed with the vegan cupcake movement but a nice slice of chocolate cake is always appreciated. They have carrot cake too, that’s what I’m going to try next! That and some items from the “western” section of the menu—there’s vegan pesto!

All in all, I definitely think it’s worth a try. It’s a nice place; the interior is simple and kind of mod—lots of white. Oh, you also get tea with your meal which is lovely.

Gelateria Naia!

I discovered Gelateria Naia and its many sorbet and soy based flavors on my way home from working out. I think god is doing this to punish me for the one time I called Marc Fransen a fat ass in gym class. I am cursed. And also BLESSED. Because this isn’t your typical ice cream shop where you have to get a scoop of crappy, ice-y raspberry flavored sorbet. NO. They have many soy gelato flavors in addition to their awesome sorbets (which includes flavors like fig, Meyer lemon, pomegranate, peach, rhubarb and prickly pear! Fancy!) The soy gelato is outstanding. Rich, creamy and not overly soy-ee tasting. I like to mix the vanilla soy gelato with the peach sorbet and have a delightfully smooth peach fantasy. Also, that would be a great name for a stripper. The best, most delicious stripper.

According to their site:

Our soy gelato is completely dairy-free and can be enjoyed by the lactose intolerant and both vegetarians and vegans. Our soy gelato is made using fresh organic soy milk and sugar processed without bone char.

Honestly, it’s super cool that they put that on their website. They are actually thinking about vegans and that’s fresh. A+++ will do business with again!

This is a local chain with locations all over the SF Bay Area (including outposts in some Whole Foods!) but my favorite store is in the heart of the Castro. The location can’t be beat for tourists (PEOPLE. WATCHING. And I don’t mean just the gays, you homophobes. The Castro is world-class people watching for people of all sexual orientations, colors, heights, weights, piercings, manipulations, teeth count, leg count, arm count and different forms of crazy eyes-itis. And their cute ass dogs. Plus, there are some great shops ranging from the ultra adorable to the downright skanky. Enjoy!) and locals (super close to Muni, folks!) alike.

In conclusion: I don’t care that it’s rainy and freezing right now, GO! Your ass will thank you!

XOX Truffles!

I was given a box of XOX truffles for my birthday last year and fuck me if I haven’t been hooked on these amazing bite sized bon-bons since. The vegan flavors are Dark Chocolate, Orange and Noisette (Hazelnut! in French!). They are rich and creamy and they literally MELT IN YOUR MOUTH. AND ALSO IN YOUR HAND. BE CAREFUL. Just thinking about these things, my mouth waters. And I’m not even really a chocolate person. Actually, I hate when women are like, “Chocolate is better than sex!” Is your name Cathy? Do you have a boyfriend named Irving? GET OUT OF MY FACE. Now, mashed potatoes…that’s another thing. I’d kill a man for some mashed potatoes. I would literally kill a man. I’d probably kill Colonel Sanders. I’d raise that motherfucker from the dead and then re-kill his ass. In fact, I’d love to kill any man involved with the Kentucky Fried Chicken regime, including the man known as Star Jones because I know he was a KFC stock holder at some point (or at least looked like one)*. I would like to send them all through a slaughterhouse while I take all of the lovely chickens out and we will enjoy big vats of mashed potatoes and have a dance party. It will RULE.

Another man I’d kill for some mashed potatoes is Tobey Maguire. I just don’t like the way that kid looks…he should donate his face to down’s syndrome research. While I’m at it, I’d kill Julia Stiles for a pack of Orbit gum. Seriously, have you seen Mona Lisa’s Smile? Well, I DID. IN THE THEATER. Ugh, I’ve said too much.