vegansaurus!

02/12/2010

Happy Vegina Day!  »

Here at Vegansaurus, we love V-Day! We know there’s a lot of haterz out there. And rightly so! Who the hell was St. Valentine anyway? We have no idea!

But we do know that we love what V-Day is REALLY all about, it’s Hallmark-Catholic unholy alliance origins be damned: Vegans, Vaginas, Vegetables. That said, here’s your guide to V(egansaurus) Day!

THE BASICS!
Despite their deeply offensive meat-based nicknames (fish tacos? roast beef?) (why, I never!), both penis and vagina are 100 percent vegan (deep-fried seitan tacos! Tofurkey lunch slices!).

NOT AS BASIC BUT STILL BASIC!
Birth control pills? Not vegan. Condoms? BE CAREFUL! That’s not to say we don’t advocate birth control, because we do, fools! If you happen to not be careful, though, do not ask us whether abortions are vegan or not. WE HAVE NO IDEA. THAT IS A COMPLEX MORAL QUESTION!

No seriously: While Trojan still does make gross lambskin condoms that are made out of real animal membrane (I think using these should be counted as bestiality and necrophilia together it’s so nasty), some latex condoms have milk protein in them. And it’s not man-milk! So do some research, folks! There look to be some good ones here.

OK, SAFETY IS BORING. ON TO THE ORGASMS!
Unless you’re really into dry-humping, chances are you might like to purchase some lube at some point in your life. The bad news is that lubes can contain lots of weird shit that is bad for your vegina and bad for the animals that are sometimes squeezed into those tubes. The good news is that apparently everyone out there is obsessed with having anal sex, because there are a TON of lubes for you to chose from! Personally, I’ve had some great times with a bottle of Liquid Silk. You can buy it a Good Vibrations online or throughout the Bay Area; their helpful staff will be happy to tell you which lubes are animal-free, as well as which is the best for your junk. You can also check out the selection at The Sensual Vegan.

WHEN MAN-MEAT JUST DON’T CUT IT!
I have no idea which dildos and vibrators are vegan and which are not. Holy fuck this stuff is complicated. I just pulled these up from a Google search. Any of you vegan perverts want to enlighten us? Please take advantage (shut up, not in THAT way) of our comments section.

Oh, and ALSO. What do you people think about sex toys that have animal faces on them? I think it’s fucking weird, but if you want a vegan rabbit in your rabbit hutch, then whatevs—I won’t judge.

FURRIES!
These are just wrong. So, so wrong.

BONDAGE!
Most dungeonmasters like to use leather straps and silk ropes for their hogtying and Japanese rope bondage. That SUCKS for vegans! After all, just because vegans are nice to animals doesn’t mean they have to be nice to people. People are assholes! And way more fun to beat than puppies! While Sensual Vegan is pretty light on the heavy bondage and sadism, the totally non-threatening-sounding Extreme Restraints offers a variety of cute, animal-free restraints, which are curiously mostly in pink.

VEGETABLES!

PORN!
And, if you’re all alone for V-Day, you can check out Veg Porn, which isn’t this, despite what you might think. Veg Porn’s motto is “Eat Pussy Not Pork.” Ha! Hahaha! And the site features pictures of people who don’t eat meat bearing their meat. Judging from some of the pictures, that was probably the only qualification for models (OK OK, that’s actually just a mean way of saying that they have representatives from a variety of body types and personal styles among their 32 models—SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE! EVEN YOU, PERVERT!). And, it’s all PC and non-exploitative and stuff, so you might not even be able to rub one out to it. But hey, who are we to judge?! After all, we’re the losers looking at internet porn instead of enjoying an authentic and meaningful physical experience with someone we care about.

07/24/2009

Friday Link-o-rama: Veggie Awards, Naked Dudes, The Tofu Xpress & More!  »

IMPORTANT: The VegNews polls close at 11:59 p.m. on July 31, and we want you to write Vegansaurus in for Best Veg Blog! Also, win prizes. Yes! Time to root for the Underdino! If there are any prizes, we’ll totally share.

Veggie Trader provides free classifieds for home-grown produce! People like Meave’s parents, who have uncontrollably prolific orange and peach trees, should really get in on this. The site expressly prohibits the trade of meat, eggs, and dairy products (yes!), and Californians must obey both statewide import laws and quarantine orders for the light brown apple moth.

Ezra Klein is PISSED about how cheap chicken is; <3 that Ezra Klein.

Factory farms are all, We are beneficial to rural communities! And small farmers are all, Actually the stench from your animal torture chambers is poisoning our air, and the runoff is poisoning our water! Amazingly, courts are siding with the small farmers.

Men can get naked for animal rights, too!

The New York Times gives you 101 simple salads, in neat little categories. Nos. 1-36 are “mostly vegan.” Incidentally, Synergia Soyfoods makes this scrumptious vegan feta cheese that tastes so authentic that the first time I ate it I teared up with joy, if you are looking to make salads that ask for such an ingredient.

The Times also presents the crème brûlée cart guy as Mr. Small Business Twitter San Francisco. Vegansaurus strenuously objects to such representation.

The Long Now Foundation! (est. 01996) is hosting a seminar with the authors of Tomorrow’s Table: Organic Farming, Genetics, and the Future of Food. They both teach at UC Davis—an excellent school!—and are married, which makes this lecture sound even more appealing. Go learn something on Tuesday, July 28 at 7:30 p.m. at the Cowell Theater; tickets are $10.

Vinnie’s Pizzeria in Williamsburg has awesome vegan by the slice. AND THIS TRASH CAN. SO AWESOME. Here is a photo of Laura eating vegan pizza at Vinnie’s. If that doesn’t get your motor running, I don’t know what will. Laura wrote this.

So, gianty meaty soups. Campbell’s Chunky: FULLY LOADED is over one pound of “meat” and whatever the hell else, vegetables, say; the Pho Gardens CHALLENGE BOWL is two pounds of noodles with two pounds of “beef with tripe.” In general, the world is fucking disgusting, NEVER FORGET.

Vegan.com discusses the extinction of Bluefin Tuna. SO SAD PLEASE STOP EATING FISH.

The Tofu Xpress, an amazing new gadget that helps make tofu even more delicious, gets a review over at Notes from a Vegan Feast. What have you done for Vegansaurus lately? THE ANSWER: Bought us this miracle-worker! Please! You’re so wonderful, that’s the thing about you. SO GIVING.

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