Dear Canada,

What the fuck is your problem? You love lecturing us about being a responsible member of the world community, but you can’t even keep your own house in order. Global warming is melting away Arctic sea ice, and for the first year on record, no ice formed in key birthing areas for harp seals off Canada’s East Coast. The Humane Society toured the area, and they’re expecting “mass mortalities” of seals. Don’t feel like watching the video? I can sum it up for you in one word: BLEAK.

So of course you’re not canceling the baby seal hunt for this year. Which makes total sense. Any time a species is about to collapse, the most logical thing to do is club the few surviving newborns to death. In polite company, they use words like “tragedy” and “disaster” in a very passive-voice, evade-blame kind of way to describe what you’re doing. Since we’re not polite company around here: refusing to call off the seal hunt this year—of all years—is fucking genocide. Full stop.

Seriously, Canada, why can’t you take a hint? All your best friends have already banned imported seal fur. We did it in the ’70s, and the EU finally followed last year, leaving you with China, hardly an ethical powerhouse, as one of your biggest seal fur customers. Really, Canada?

You already know that the Humane Society has been hounding you and your prime minister with letters and boycotts of Canadian seafood. So now they’re trying another approach: rewarding good behavior, in the off chance it ever materializes. Each one of us will pledge to spend more money on everything Canadian if you stop the seal hunt. I personally pledged to drink an entire gallon of Canadian maple syrup and listen to nothing but Shania Twain and Rush on shuffle for a whole month. Tens of thousands of other people are already pledging their American dollars to you, but only if you cancel the hunt. 

And by the way, while we’re talking about boycotts and embargoes, you know all that tar sand oil you keep trying to sell us? You can keep it. Or better yet, keep it in the ground. Oil and coal are what got us into this mess, and the last thing we need is an even dirtier and more polluting version of oil to melt away what’s left of the Arctic ice.

Anyway, Canada, thanks for listening, and GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.


ps. If this is your way of keeping disaffected Americans from threatening to move to you if George W. Bush or Sarah Palin gets elected, well, it fucking worked. Now can you leave the g-d seals out of it next time?

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