That’s a SHOE on a PENGUIN. If it’s one things we humans love, it’s clothes on other animals. It’s so wacky! Teva, makers of (FILL IN THE ADJECTIVE BECAUSE I CANNOT WITHOUT BEING A LIAR OR VERY OFFENSIVE) shoes, made footwear to help save a penguin named Lucky!*
Finally, Tevas are good for something other than making people look ridiculous! What? Did you have to kick yourself out of a hippie’s rope maze?** Oh no, those are just Tevas!
Ugh sorry, I thought I could get through this piece without making fun of Tevas but it turns out I cannot.
*Who lives in a zoo! Sounds lucky to me! NOT! Also, it’s so weird how humans will spend all this money, time, and effort (the shoe went through like six iterations) to help make one bird’s life more comfortable but eat literally hundreds of thousands of birds every night. Everything is just so weird.
**I don’t know.
Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
You guys, I was wrong about only my pride being hurt in my fall down the stairs the other week. Turns out my body lulled me into a false sense of security with this whole “you only twisted your ankle” bit, and then threw me a curveball by taking my back out again. Honestly, I do not know how long I am going to survive, considering how often I’m falling down stairs, having my feet run over by shopping carts, and laying around watching Pawn Stars in an ibuprofen haze (600 mg! Holla!). Actually, the last part is pretty OK, considering that I could be doing much worse TV-wise. I’ve also been swearing a lot more now that scientific studies are telling me that it has a numbing effect and am enjoying flashing the webpages that informed me of this at Allen every time that he informs me that referring to things as “goddamn dinner, fuckers!” instead of saying “I’m hungry” is “not very nice.”
Speaking of Allen, we had our third anniversary last week. Trust me, no one is more surprised that he hasn’t yet murdered me and left me at the bottom of a lake somewhere than me. Instead, he actually bought me a new pair of professional shoes (sensible!) and took me out to dinner at Millennium (delicious!). I hadn’t eaten at Millennium since about 2005 because I am a bigger fan of shiny electronics than food, but goddamn (stop telling me not to swear, mom! It’s numbing my pain!), you guys, it was amazing, and I have the least refined palate in history! The best part of the dinner (besides spending time with my sweet babboo), was our server, Elizabeth, with whom I share an allergy to Codeine, and the table behind us that was made up of four middle-aged men talking about show tunes and bitchy out-of-town guests. I cannot tell you how much I wanted to turn around and screech “OH MY GOD! I ALSO LOVE THAT RECORDING OF FOLLIES!” at them, but making sure that I was not the only one having a good time really sobered me up. God, I hate being in a stable and responsible relationship.
Here’s something else that sobered me up: The comments that I got two weeks ago that suggested that the cow in the “jumping cow” video may have not been unhappy. I have to admit, my first thought was also “man, this video is cute” but changed to “WTF!” the second I saw the riding crop. I see a lot of these kinds of videos, though, and so I thought that this week we could all play a game: Cute, or OFFENSIVE and WRONG.
Our subject is the now-infamous baby-penguin-getting-tickled video. This video is adorable because the penguin seems fairly happy wandering around being cute, but here are my questions: Is it okay to tickle a baby penguin? And does the fact that this penguin is at a zoo cancel out any cuteness inherent to the act of a penguin freaking out by the affection they are receiving? On one hand, sure, penguins need love, but on the other, I see the tag on the penguin’s wing. Seriously? We couldn’t not tag and cage a penguin? Is it really necessary to do that for our amusement? Because here’s my issue: There is no reason for zoos other than to show us animals for amusement at the cost of the animals’ freedom. Therefore, is looking at these cute videos and hoping for more of them morally and/or ethically wrong? I honestly don’t have an answer for that and would love to gear your thoughts. NOW BACK TO THE OUTRAGE!
You know what I’m outraged about today? Butchering. It’s not enough that we have to deal with this whole “happy meat” and “humanely raised and butchered animals” myth (pro-tip: If an animal is butchered for food, it is not humane and they are not happy), but now there is this whole new “woe is me, the Bay Area only has one humane slaughterhouse left. Seriously? Animals are getting killed and your one concern is that we can’t “eat local”? You know what we can eat local? Fruits and vegetable and grains! We can make some delicious food out of that!
I guarantee that if you choose to click on the link and read the article, you will be sure that you are reading something from The Onion. What really does it for me is the fond memories that people have of slaughtering animals. You know what I have fond memories of? Going to Disneyland! Who in their right mind not only has fond memories of a hog-slaughter, but then decides to actually talk about it to the press? That is not even a thing! Just a quick reminder: Kissing your boyfriend on Space Mountain is a fond memory that you can tell your grandchildren about. Watching a hog defecate as its throat is slit, pumping geysers of blood into the air, should never be considered a fond memory.*
You know what, though? You don’t even need to have fond memories about butchering when you can take part at a Butcher Party. What continues to be wrong with people? Who decided that this was a good idea? The article mentions that one of the events featured a real gallows where dead animals hung by their necks and manipulated goat heads greeted the patrons! Delightful! Who needs a garden party or a barbecue when you can rent out a butcher to show you how to best desecrate a corpse! Way to go, humanity! Each week I think we can’t get any lower and each week you say “You know, Mark, there’s this thing on the internet…”
That’s it for this week! Send me links for next week and have a butcher-free Wednesday!
*Yes, this image is taken directly from Carrie.
Top 10 links of the week! »
RIP Knut. Knut the polar bear died this week and it’s very sad. But don’t worry! He’s going to be stuffed and mounted! Vegetarian Star has the details.
New York is crazy for veggie burgers! The New York Times is totally in love with veggie burgers this week. I’m like, way to be late to the party! But welcome all the same.
Laura busts heads. If you didn’t read our Laura’s response to that lame Ecosalon piece, read Luara’s response to that lame Ecosalon piece.
Laura plays nice. AOL City’s Best interviewed our own Laura! She’s blowing up. I’m not the least bit jealous—her coattails suit me just fine! You go, girl.
Tsunami dolphin saved. There have been some bittersweet animals stories coming out of Japan, not the least of which is the rescue of a little baby dolphin in a rice field. There is a picture on the other end of this link, boy is there a picture.
Breast milk from cows. Um, in China, they are totally creating cows that produce human milk. I’m sure they are treating the cows really great too. People seem grossed out but how is it any grosser than drinking regular cow milk? I ask you. Both come out of cow nipples.
Saber-toothed vegetarian? Everyone is so excited about this new discovery: a saber-toothed vegetarian monster! (Monster is the scientific term).
More oil, more problems. Nightingale island, home to half the world’s population of northern rockhopper penguins, is covered in oil. People are working to save the cute, funny-haired penguins but there is a lack of supplies and help on the remote island. This is a bummer. I don’t think I’m getting a joke out of this.
Get ready for kitten season! Kitten season is just around the corner and Paw Nation has ten really great tips on caring for your new bundle of indifference.
New York City murders geese. New York is set to kill more Canada geese, see what you can do to help stop them!
How smart are animals? Find out tonight on PBS! »
The Nova airing tonight, Wednesday, Feb. 9 (8 p.m. on KQED, or check your local listings!) is all about animal intelligence. Think they’ll address the fact that most apes can probably correctly spell “intelligence” in fewer tries than I just did? WELL WE’LL HAVE TO WATCH AND FIND OUT! I mean, we already know how fucking brilliant and amazing animals are but it’ll probably be pretty interesting and you can watch it with meat mouths and afterwards, when they’re all, “WOW ANIMALS BE SMART DER DEE DER?!,” show them the new Mercy for Animals factory farming video. BAM! Done and done!
You guys. IT IS A BABY DOLPHIN MEETING A PENGUIN. Do you even understand this photo?? My brain can’t…it’s too much. I was planning on administering street justice via random public beatdowns and committing mail fraud until I saw this bullshit. This ridiculously adorable bullshit. Thanks to the multi-talented and extremely prolific Stephen Fry for RUINING MY DAY WITH CUTENESS. Of course, he shares equal blame with Livia because she sent it my way. Bitches.
Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
Goats, man. Why you gotta fuck with ‘em? ‘Cause you think they’re all docile and shit? You think a goat can’t get gangsta? No, a goat can get gangsta. And unfortunately a goat got medieval on a hiker who was at the wrong place at the wrong time. You don’t hear about something like that every day, do you? But that’s probably because you don’t hear about park rangers encouraging visitors to hurl rocks at aggressive goats, either.
Let me be clear with you: Never taunt, harass, or torture anyone who has been called “aggressive.” Now, maybe that’s clear to me because I have years of psychological training, but I thought that was pretty much common sense in general. You don’t stand within throwing distance of (or even approach) Naomi Campbell, you don’t welcome Bjork to Bangkok, and you certainly, CERTAINLY do not toss rocks at a wild animal who is known to get riled up. No matter who tells you to do it. QUICK STORY ABOUT THE DANGERS OF THROWING ROCKS: When I was seven I had to wear an eye patch to deal with my Paris Hilton eye (later corrected) with surgery. Patches don’t do shit except make you look like an awesome pirate! (Thanks, mom!). My brother and his friend thought it was hilarious that I couldn’t see anything and as I was wandering around the playground looking like a lonely pirate, they decided to throw a rock at me because it would surprise/stun/kill me. Luckily for me, they had bad aim. They hit a nursing mother instead. Everyone was fine, but the moral of the story is DON’T FUCKING THROW ROCKS!
Here’s the thing: The man-killing goat was known to be aggressive, but things could have been done differently. Instead of “hazing” the goat to be frightened of humans by chucking things at it, they could have airlifted it to another area—like they did in the 1980s when the high goat population endangered the environment—where people aren’t as likely to happen upon it. There could have been a protocol of something other than “throw rocks at it to make it go away” when people encountered the goat. I’m sure the rangers could have held a town hall meeting or something. Instead, a gentleman who was enjoying his lunch was gored to death and the goat was found and killed. That sucks.
God, you know what’s depressing? Besides having to write a 100-page paper in the next nine months? Being a caged animal at the zoo. You know what’s worse than that? When holidays come around and the zoo decides that the best way to celebrate Halloween is to let people feed you pumpkin snacks. Apparently this is part of the Oklahoma City Zoo enrichment program that is supposed to be beneficial to the animals’ mental and physical well-being, but I don’t see how this is going to make the rhinos and beavers feel any better about having to live in a cage their entire lives. Maybe the enrichment program could focus on not bringing any more animals to the zoo? And maybe not feeding them holiday-themed snacks? Apparently, most of the animals consider pumpkins to be a super-special treat, but as someone who is somewhat pumpkin-phobic, I’m pretty skeptical.
That’s all for today. Please join me next week when we will be preparing for Halloween with awesome/awful costumes. SPOILER: Butchers are saying that people should refrain from making meat dresses of their own. That’s a small relief at least. I was getting pretty worried that the meat dress was going to be this year’s Borat.
Send me costume pictures and ideas! Or comment below! I’m basically begging for your help here!
Lamb Cam, Vegan Spam, Penguin Divorce: it’s the Friday link-o-rama! »
Lamb Cam blog, a.k.a., the Martha’s Vineyard/Hudson Valley Fiber Farm blog. This is a family farm that raises goats and sheep for their fleece, exclusively: they never sell any of their animals for meat! The work of shepherding, from the birth of a lamb to its shearing, and then from the newly sheared wool to the dyed and spun yarn, is documented in detail on the blog—there are no more mysteries.Still, the best part is all the pictures (and videos) of the lambs and kids adorabling it up, knowing they will never be anyone’s supper.
vegan spam: Why hasn’t anyone made this for me yet?!
Maybe you’re all too smart to watch NYC Prep, but some of us have to, and you may be interested to know that one of the characters is a vegan! She goes on a date with some asshole to a French restaurant where all she can order is a green salad (without dressing! Though that may be partly due to her being a teenage girl). In another episode, she goes to vegetarian/mostly vegan restaurant Zen Palate with a competing suitor. Who do you think she should go for?
At the Bitten blog, Emily Weinstein asks readers for their best squash recipes, specifically the ones with lots of delicious fats in them. Vegansaurus loves fats!
To support the community and its revenues during the recession, Cafe Gratitude has started asking customers to name their own prices. For certain dishes, at least, like I Am Grateful. While the menu price is $7, they report that the “average price” paid is $3.50. Cafe Gratitude at 50 percent off? You know who is grateful? Thepoors. Yes, please.
[link from Eater SF]
Tragedy! The introduction of lady penguin from San Diego has apparently broken up the gentlemen penguin couple at the Central Park Zoo in New York. While Vegansaurus does not support zoos, the idea that yesterday “Roy, all alone, sat disconsolately at the edge of the penguin area, staring at the wall,” is so fucking sad. Who will raise the baby?