Hello, Friends! It’s WTF Wednesday with Mark! »
You guys, it has been a long couple of weeks. Since I last wrote, I have had two root canals, started summer school, and am about to get two more root canals (I used to have a really bad dentist). I’ve been flossing more, sleeping less, and spent the Fourth of July week (yes, the whole week) in Modesto, which was so incredibly hot and stifling that I did nothing but sit in Allen’s parents’ air-conditioned house and eat burritos. I also set off some fireworks. Allen has an amazing video of me running and screaming from a sparkler, which suggests that perhaps I should stay away from anything that is fire-based in the future.
I wish Allen’s parents had a pool so that I could have escaped the 100 degree wearer, but the only pool owned by that family belongs to Allen’s aunt and uncle who chose not to invite me over for a dip. Because I am a reasonable adult, I did not sneak over there in my American flag speedo. Not like these awesome bears who don’t give a shit about your pool party. Bears, you see, just want to have fun. And cool off. And not have to beg Allen to allow them to turn a fan on.
I bet Allen wishes I were more like this cat and less like those awesome bears. Because this cat is obedient, and will roll over and stand and raise its paws, and those bears will just pee in your pool and then also throw water balloons at your children.
Speaking of water balloons, I went to Allen’s family reunion this weekend and emptied approximately 375,000 water balloons on the children there. Then, when I ran out, I just started filling buckets with water and throwing them at the kids, laughing as they scrambled away, learning a harsh lesson about the world. The harsh lesson being that everyone gets punished when Uncle Mark isn’t invited to swim in the relatives’ pool.
That’s it for this week! I am all tuckered out, and still have to spend the next 15 hours writing PowerPoints. (Pro tip: Don’t take on a new highly theoretical summer class just because you think it will be fun! It won’t be!) Expect a super-sized dose of anger next time!
Send me links for next week and have a Wednesday full of pools parties!
Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday, with Mark! »
You guys, video games get me really stressed out. So much so that sometimes I can’t sleep after playing. That’s when I have to start looking at beautiful things to calm me down, like this flooded meadow in Austria. Okay, stop reading here for a second, watch the video, and then let’s talk about it!
[Can’t see the video? Watch it on Vegansaurus.com!
Did you watch the video? No, dude, did you watch it? It is BEAUTIFUL! I don’t know if it is wrong to find wrecked things this beautiful, but when I saw the video I tried to wake Allen up so that he could watch it with me and then we could plan a trip to Austria to dive there in person, but he just kicked me. Then I realize how expensive equipment and learning I dive would be so I gave up on that dream as well, but I think that along with the salt flats of Bolivia, this is one of the top five places I would like to go someday but probably never will because I hate outside.
Hating outside pretty much means I also do not enjoy many of the animals that can come visit me in my home (I do in they, but I’m not going to go out and look for them). I have also never found birds (except the Mockingjay, holla!) to be particularly cute or exciting, but then Buzzfeed ran a piece on fat birds and I was in LOVE. Look at these gorgeous monsters! They’re fat, they’re proud, and they look like they want to give me some serious cuddles followed by one hell of a pecking! Not that I’m going to go out and look for them, though. Fuck outside!
And fuck zoos! Fuck zoos with a rock! That’s right, zoos are the worst and this polar bear is going to show you what’s up by cracking the glass in his enclosure with a rock. And then he is going to eat you and cuddle with me. And the birds.
[Can’t see the video? Watch it on Vegansaurus.com!
That’s it for this week! Please send me links and PS3 recommendations for next week, and have a harpy-free Wednesday!
[image via Buzzfeed, uncredited because that’s how Buzzfeed rolls.]
Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday with Mark! »
Please don’t feed the raccoons.
You guys, the cruising life is not for me. I spent the last week on one of Carnival’s horrific floating frat houses, and between the exciting dinners with my family (not a dry eye or unflipped piece of furniture in the place), the delicious cafeteria food, and the loud people (not to mention children; children everywhere!!!) I feel about as relaxed as if I’d only worked an 80-hour week instead of my usual 60.
I am really glad to be back on dry land. Now that the shaking and rolling that is charmingly referred to as “sea legs” is behind me, and Allen is once again talking to me after being forced to spend a week on the high seas together, things are good again. I was even excited to get back to work and see my coworkers! It doesn’t hurt that there’s a potluck on the first day back and I just ate my body weight in delicious potato and cauliflower curry.
Let’s see what’s going on the internet these days. That’s something else I was excited about, getting back to my websites and catching up on everything Lindsay Lohan did this week (nothing).
Sloths are really in right now, did you know that? After Kristen Bell freaked the fuck out over being near one, people are going crazy for these adorable animals! (Quick question: Are sloths dangerous?) Even Animal Planet is getting in on the act, and running either a web series or a real series (I am not in the habit of watching animal shows, only ladies fighting in pretty houses) on sloths and how awesome they are. They’re even getting them at their most intimate and running clips of baby sloths getting potty-trained, which is awesome because baby animals peeing and pooping is adorable and I love it and they smile an make noises and when I do that I just have to spend a night in jail.
[Can’t see the video? Watch it on Vegansaurus.com!]
Raccoons are also adorable but I have a feeling i’m the only one that thinks so. And I bet I would also freak out if raccoons were coming into my neighborhood and eating all my Doritos. Although, I’ve never really liked Doritos. When we first came to the U.S. my mom tried some and declared that they tasted like rat droppings (how she knows this I have no idea. She also claims root beer tastes like bee poison. Life in Russia was hard.). I’ve been off of them ever since. Also, when I was a kid, a raccoon climbed into my aunt’s window and killed her or something (that’s what my aunt tells me, but she is also still alive, so…), and it had little human hands (again, just repeating what I’m told), and I’ve been scared shitless of them since. But they’re cute from afar, right?
Here are some dogs chilling with fans and being all cute. Just the idea of laying on the floor with a fan makes me want to take a nap. Did I mention that everywhere we went in the cruise was super hot? I am surprised I do not get heat stroke. Or maybe I did, and that’s why I’m so excited to be at work. YOU DECIDE!
That’s it for this week! Please send me links for next week and have a Dorito-free Wednesday!
[Photo by Brad Woodard / KHOU 11 News]
Hello, friends! It’s Mark’s WTF Wednesday! »
You guys, this has been an amazing whirlwind of a semester and I am so excited to be done with it and spend a few weeks just sitting at home, listening to audiobooks, and latch-hooking a rug in my muumuu. True story: My parents bought me one at Ross because I liked my mom’s so much when we were on vacation! I have really been enjoying audiobooks lately. I feel that listening to The Wind-up Bird Chronicles is the only way I am ever going to get through the entire thing. This is my current life goal.
Of course, none of this is to be! Soon I will be embarking on a Carnival Cruise Lines adventure with my entire family and returning to summer school, which is four hours per class! I remember how I thought being an adult would be super fun because I would get to do whatever the fuck I wanted and eat cinnamon toast crunch all day. Now, I don’t even get a summer vacation! Being old sucks!
What doesn’t suck is getting submissions from all of my friends (read: you). This week, I am especially grateful to Kim who sent me a “WTF is this?” submission and saved me from doing hours of internet research! WTF are we WTF-ing about, you ask? Ducks! Ducks in frocks! Ducks in frocks strutting down a runway looking like Lady Gaga on a good mental health day! Kim doesn’t know how she feels about it, but I think we can both agree that the two ducks in pink dresses and hats are f-I-e-r-c-e! The ducks don’t look that upset, but I certainly can’t make any sense of it. What do you think?
What’s more WTF than ducks is Lazarus hamsters rising from the dead. Actually, I don’t know what’s more WTF: the hamster that dug its way out of a boxy grave, or the family he was living with not knowing that hamsters hibernate if they are too cold. That’s why you need to keep the heat up! They’re desert animals! Bunny used to hella like to chill on a heating pad. She used to like to poop on it, too, but I mostly remember the sitting. Get a book on hamsters, there are like five hundred.
That’s it for this week! We’ve been a little slow in true WTF-ness, so please pay it forward and send me links for next week. Paying it forward is probably a bad example, though. Hayley Joel Osment’s career died at the end of that movie!
Have a safe Wednesday!
Hello, friends! It’s Mark’s WTF Wednesday! »
You guys, two epic things happened in the past week! First, I turned 28 and then I got monumentally sick. I was so sick, in fact, that I showed up to my own awesome birthday party woozy and coughing up a storm, but still managed to have an awesome time and offend my mother with my horrible jokes. She sat in a corner of the room the entire night and sent me pictures of myself from her phone with desperate captions begging me I calm down and stop swearing so much. I couldn’t do it! I love to swear! Maybe that’s why I’m still sick.
You know how sick I am? I am writing this post from bed, where I am curled up with my knitting, Charmed queued up on Netflix (I am just starting to watch this show! Ten years late!), and my phone all ready to call up Allen and make demands of him. He doesn’t buy it anymore, though. Allen used to be at my beck and call when I was sick, but now he just tells me to stop pretending I’m going to die and drink some Theraflu. Can you imagine that he and I will have been together for four years on Sunday? Gross! I hope things don’t get too serious!
Man, am I feeling ornery this week. That’s why I’m please as punch (take that!) that a zoo couldn’t get pandas to mate in captivity. Not only did pandas Sunshine and Sweetie fail to produce an heir, but they straight-up wrestled instead of doing the deed. I can relate to this because this is what also happens in my personal life. Every time I try to hug Allen at night, he kicks me. Hard. Then he blames me for bothering him because I should know that he is a very precise sleeper and cannot be touched. He also does this fantastic thing where, as soon as I have left the room during the night (even for as little as 30 seconds) he will roll himself into a sushi with ALL of the covers. Then, when I try to get them back, he kicks me! Four years, you guys!
Since this has kind of turned into my “grumpy anniversary post,” let me show you a video of a dog freaking out on an escalator (as dogs are wont to do) as the dude accompanying him laughs it up.
That is some adorable shit, you might be thinking, but how are you going to relate that to your own relationship? Easy, you guys. Allen is also a very particular escalator rider! He has to stand on his own step and look serious the entire time! And woe betide anyone who attempts to get on the step with him; he will put his arms out like a plane and prevent you (this is also how he dances), and if you still persist he will kick you. And by you, I mean me. And by kick, I mean ask politely to step up or down. Allen, like this adorable dog, knows that riding the escalator is serious business.
Let me end this for you with a clip of a baby otter squeaking. I’m going to post it without comment and not even relate it to Allen. This, I feel, is the way anniversary present I can give him because I am not sharing any more of his personal history and embarrassing moments.
That’s it for this week! Send me links for next week and have a love-filled Wednesday!
Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
You guys, spring break is over for another year. I spent all of last week working on things that I didn’t have time for and then recovering for three days because Allen and I chose to go see The Hunger Games at the midnight opening instead of waiting a couple of days to see it at a reasonable hour.
That shit was off the hook (pardon my French!), and I am delighted to tell you that Allen and I loved it! (I know, it wasn’t word-for-word, but I have all the books and can re-read them whenever I want.) Allen was incredibly embarrassed the entire time (as usual) as I insisted on making conversation with the other people in line, and then screaming “Every man for himself!” as I pushed past groups of schoolgirls to get good seats. One young lady got confused, ran into a pole, and rolled into the entrance. In the spirit of the event, I shouted “Stop slowing me down!” as I jumped over her, but was later chastised by Allen for not being nice to children…at a movie about children killing children. However, when I brought this up to him, he just shook his head and went to buy popcorn, leaving me to contemplate my own horridness.
Due to this movie (and all the dystopian fiction I read), I do not have a positive view of the future. I think the fact that the Denver Zoo has come up with a car that runs on poop is an omen that we are only years away from sending our children into an arena to bludgeon each other with bricks. A car that runs on poop, you guys. How does that even happen? More importantly, why am I so upset and worried that it is only a short time before Allen is forcing me into a high-fiber diet so that he can drive me around. Can you imagine the smell? Why does the article not mention the smell? Do you think there might be a smell? Can you imagine hipsters pooping into buckets in order to ride motorized bikes? Why am I so obsessed with poop? Why can’t I stop?
Here’s a question: How do snakes poop? I have never considered this before, but then I read about this dude who had 400 snakes in his house, and I started thinking about whether snakes produce pellets or, uh, goo. Also: Why are snakes so scary? I am sure they do not want to eat me, but I remember my second grade teacher reading us a book about a boa constrictor eating a kid, and I didn’t know English too well and didn’t understand that it was fiction. That was a horrible year for me.
Something that isn’t poop but is super-gross anyway is Alicia Silverstone feeding her baby like a bird and then posting the video online in (I assume) a desperate attempt to stay relevant past the mess that was Excess Baggage. That was her worst movie—until this monstrosity. Listen, do whatever it is that you like with your obviously distressed kid, but do not post it online. That means you too, Jennifer Coburn, and that one mom who starved her seven-year-old and wrote about it for Vogue.
That’s it for this week! Please send me links for next week and have a Wednesday not fraught with thoughts about poop!
[photo by Eric Bégin via Flickr]
Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
You guys, I am getting old. I went to the doctor yesterday and he told me that my body is no longer able to process wheat in a way that will not give me the worst cramps in the history of cramps. (Can dudes take Midol for cramps? Please advise.) So today, instead of eating a delicious seitan sandwich, I am chugging potato-leek soup out of a carton and crying into my grapes (of which I have two varieties. I find that the added salt really gives them a kick!) while the people I often have lunch with look at me pityingly. Perhaps one day I will learn to enjoy a gluten-free low-sodium diet, but until then I am going to milk it for all it’s worth. Especially with Allen, who might buy me video games to cheer me up. (Note to Allen: Buy me video games!!)
Maybe not eating wheat will make me more pleasant to be around (according to my brother, King of Celiac Information), but I doubt it. I don’t even know how I will process that kind of change as being grumpy is part of my overall gestalt and is what makes me incredibly charming and fun to be around. However, there are cracks in my foundation already, as I found this video of penguins rolling around in first class adorable, as opposed to unsanitary or annoying to passengers who have popped a benzo before takeoff. Also, I didn’t even wonder whether penguins bite or scratch (side note: Allen and I were trying to clean Ms. Cleo’s cage this weekend and I was holding her so that we could chill. She was OK until she suddenly went into attack-rabbit mode and scratched my arms up in a way that looked like I had been cutting myself. I’ve had to wear long sleeves all week.)
Oh, here’s something adorable and more my speed: wild swine terrorizing plants and people. Watch out, upstate New York! I think this is partly delightful. I know that people’s crops are getting ruined and such (which sucks, especially now that I am only eating vegetables covered in my tears), but it seems a fair turnabout considering how many people eat pigs. Pigs are taking it back! (Wasn’t there a show about evil gangster street pigs in Saturday mornings in the ’90s? I really enjoyed that!)
Finally, I bring you the latest in a long string of reasons to hate the entire Trump family. If it’s not them being mean to Joan Rivers, it’s them hunting and then posing in front of their kill with douchey smiles. Awesome! Why doesn’t everyone travel to a foreign country to kill giant animals? Also, why is the defense of “the animal wasn’t even endangered” ever accepted by anyone? The Trumps aren’t endangered animals, but no one is shooting them! Also also: why does the young Trump on TV use so much product in his hair? Isn’t there a shortage of that?
That’s it for this week. Send me links for next time, and have a douchebag-free Wednesday!
Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
You guys, Dance Moms! How was I even alive before this show? There is nothing more awesome than coming home after a long day of work and watching some ladies yell at each other while their daughters cringe in fear. It gets even better when the dance teacher rolls in and yells at everyone so hard that her vocal chords break and she can’t even talk. This is also usually the time that Allen gets annoyed and takes the computer into the other room so he doesn’t have to hear me giggling. He tried to watch second season with me, but was frustrated and dismayed when he learned that no one on the show had learned anything from season 1, and everyone was still screaming, shouting, and whining about dance lessons. I tried to discuss this with him, but he was already in the other room, battling zombies with his army of adorable plants.
Allen doesn’t think there is anything more disgusting than Dance Moms, but I think that a giant hissing cockroach giving birth could be considered a little grosser. I mean, in reality, birth is a beautiful thing and a miracle of nature, but in photos it is often both frightening and pornographic. Since I have already suffered through the photos, I thought I would let you (possibly) lose your lunch over a sight even more frightening than A Serbian Film. Obviously the photos are safe for work, but probably not for your fragile mind.
You ever think about octopuses? I do, sometimes. Generally not on a pleasant way because as a child I had a fear that an octopus would strangle me. I also had fears about being pushed underwater in the Dead Sea and being eaten by a shark. I thought octopuses were both mean and scary and saw them as completely unrelatable creatures. Except now I learn that these evil sea-dwellers—whose dreams consist only of inking me in the face and dragging me to a watery grave—also like HDTV. You know who else likes HDTV? I DO! And Allen won’t buy me one! Octopus: 1, Allen: -2,084.
You’re still freaking out about those roaches, aren’t you? Or have you started watching an entire season of Dance Moms? Either way, you’re going to need some of this virtual eyewash to wipe your trauma away! Enjoy! Polar bears!
That’s all for this week! Please send me links for next week and have a non-traumatic Wednesday!
[Photo by Steve Dunleavy via Flickr]
Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
You guys, by the time you read this I will have ruined Valentine’s day. Yes, you read that right, Allen will have suffered on that holy day of love just as much as he suffers living with me every other day of the year. And this time I didn’t even mean to make it horrible! Damn you cold and flu season!
Around Thursday of last week I started suffering from the plague. I don’t know if you guys have ever had plague but it is pretty bad. Pustules and vomit everywhere, sweat upon brows, demonic screaming. And worse than the symptoms is Allen’s reaction. Instead of putting on some crazy plague-doctor outfit and trying to heal me he makes me a glass of lemon juice and tells me to take some Theraflu and stop telling people that I am dying because I will be disappointed when I actually do die and no one believes it. I asked him once how I would know if about that if I were already dead, but he just shook his head and told me to be quiet because the commercial break was over and The Simpsons was on. Real nice, buddy.
Since I am home alone I thought I would cheer you up with some things that will make you go aw and vomit rainbows. Then we could be twins, except I’m not vomiting rainbows, I’m vomiting the Boca Burgers that I ate for breakfast. I was also going to spend this time teaching myself how to play “video games” on my Omnichord but Allen has informed me he does not like that song. Allen ruins everything!
Here’s a kid who doesn’t ruin anything. Sophia is just chilling at the zoo when she sparks a personal connection with a lion. This is one of those “I don’t know if it’s adorable” moments because she is at a zoo, but she also seems to be communicating with the lion on a deep level, understanding his frustration at being behind a glass wall for the amusement of humans. I was almost hoping that this would turn into one of those Harry Potter moments and Sophia would somehow allow the lion out using only her mind and magical powers. I wish I had magical powers. If I had magical powers I wouldn’t be sick and also bored.
Let’s drop Sophia for a second, because I want to whine. You know what the worst part of being sick is? It’s your belief that you’re just going to chill at home and have a good time, but then you’re miserable and bored and nothing good is on TV and you don’t want to do any of your hobbies and you’re all alone an afraid that people think you’re faking. Fuck the flu.
You can’t trust anyone these days, not even animals. I know this video is meant to be a joke, but I fully believe that out companion animals can drive people away. When I was first dating Allen he almost broke up with me because Ms. Cleo hated him. She would be all nice with me, and then when I handed her over to Allen, she would try to eat him (she is like half his size, she is such a big rabbit) and he would curse in Spanish and ask if we could go to a room that was less dangerous. Now that Ms. Cleo lives with us, she and Allen are more friendly toward each other, but I would not put it past her to barrel out of her cage at some point, murder him, forge an intricate suicide note, and hide the body. All because she wants attention, not because she likes me.
Finally, if you’ve always wanted a beautiful piece of taxidermy on your life but could not resolve your interests in animal heads and your cruelty-free tendencies, I give you crochetdermy by artist Shauna Richardson. So cool, right? No animals are harmed and the pieces are beautiful. I feel that it’s kind of like fake meat. We have fake venison and fake squid and fake beef, so what is the innate harm in a fake animal mounted on one’s wall? Perhaps it is even a good anti-hunting conversation piece!
That’s all for this week. Send me links for next week, and have a safe Wednesday out there!
Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
You guys, I am going to end this semester with superpowers. This is not because Allen and I have been experimenting with disastrous chemical compounds or doing dry runs of superhero vs. villain (Allen is the reluctant villain, of course) in our spare time. No, it is because I spend one evening a week yelling at people in a darkened basement. This by itself is OK, because basements aren’t that scary and I have full audio/video hookup to play as many Real Housewives videos as I want, but I am also across the hall from the “cancer risk” lab and next door to “possible radiation.” Down the hall is a room full of cut-up dead people that scared the shit out of me when I was forced to visit it in high school (not as a punishment but as a science learning experience).
I’ve been trying to figure out what kind of power I will develop, and I’ve narrowed it down to something that would have to do with being slightly dangerous, overwhelmingly adorable, and able to take naps in any location or position (god, I love to nap). In short, I will likely be able to morph into a sloth at will.
Being a sloth will be awesome because sloths are really in right now. For instance, only recently, amazing celebrity Kristen Bell (omg! I have all of Veronica Mars on DVD! I once cut a whole week of college just to watch two entire seasons of that show!) had a full-on panic attack upon discovering that a sloth was nearby.
Could you imagine how awesome it would be if your superpower was to make other people have anxiety attacks of happiness? No one would be able to rob a bank while I was nearby! Murders would be a thing of the past! “Adore my cuteness!” would be my battle cry!
After fighting evil (Allen), I would happily go and hang out with my sloth friends on a sloth farm and eat bananas and leafy greens. I would just have to make sure the other sloths wouldn’t be as adorable and try to take over my turf. They’ve already beaten Lady and the Tramp. Check out the two adorable sloths that are sharing some sort of bean. Adorable.
Although I would be a sloth I would also be an honorary opossum and chill with my pals Pear and Pearl. I know I’ve featured Pearl before but this was before I knew that she was certified in the art of animal psychoanalysis.
I went to school for many years in order to practice therapy on humans, but I can’t even come close to the way Pearl handles rapport, alliance, and resistance. I wish she would open her own graduate school where I could supplement my degree with a Ph.D in hanging out with adorable animals. Call me, Pearl, I want to enroll!
That’s it for this week. Please send me links for next week, and try not to rob a bank this Wednesday. I haven’t gained my superpowers yet!