Rumor alert: Ellen may not be opening a vegan restaurant after all!  »

Word on the street (and by street I mean the internet highway) is that Ellen and Portia’s SoCal vegan restaurant may not be happening after all! Oh no! I was looking forward to this collaboration of superstars—Ellen, Portia, Chrissy Hynde, Steven Bing, Tal Ronnen and Waldo Fernandez. I was also looking forward to hooking up with a Sugar Daddy, because I knew there was no way in hell I’d be able to afford eating at that joint, being a restaurant worker myself.

As excited as I may have been about a new vegan hotspot opening up, I did have my reservations. Everyone wants to open a restaurant. Everyone thinks they’ll be great at it, but the truth is, most new restaurants don’t make it in their first year.  It’s hard work. Nevermind that the people who can handle working in the restaurant industry are bat shit crazy. The turnover rate is astronomical. If you haven’t read Laura’s “Top 10 Reasons You Can’t Be a Professional Chef" for SF Weekly, get on that! She got some flack in the comments section that it was unrealistic, but those people are dead wrong.
My point is that working in this industry is my career, and I love it, but it has been both the best and worst experience of my life. It’s tough, mentally and physically. So if Ellen and Portia want to keep their sanity, maybe they should run the other way. Plus, I’d hate for them to be the jerk owners who show off their shiny new cars, while their staff juggles two jobs—because let me tell you, this industry does not pay well (that is a paraphrased sentiment from Anthony Bourdain’s Kitchen Confidential, but also true of my own experience. You can love or hate that guy, but Kitchen Confidential is THE first-hand account of working in the industry, and I for one, really enjoyed its harsh honesty).

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Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi are opening a vegan restaurant in Los Angeles!  »

How fucking cool is THIS?! It’ll be on Ventura Avenue in the San Fernando Valley, and I will move to Los Angeles to eat there. And you think I’m joshing, but I am totally serious. Fuck a San Francisco Bay Area, I need to have dinner with Ellen and Portia like I’M MEANT TO.

I will move there and we will eat every meal at their restaurant and we’ll be best friends and they’ll adopt me and we will have so many hugs and then we will watch television and swim in the infinity pool at the mansion-house they bought me.

Oh! And then they will bake me chocolate chip cookies and they’ll tuck me into bed and I really have to stop doing this because it’s really making me hate my life. Ugh.

Anyway, another awesome vegan restaurant for Los Angeles, owned by famous vegans, and life is great there and it’s the worst everywhere else. TH-TH-THAT’S ALL, FOLKS!


Today, Friday, Nov. 19, Chef Roberto makes a vegan Thanksgiving meal on The Ellen Show! Boyfriend whips up a seitan-based vegan turkey that sounds absolutely delicious and they eat it and it looks rad, and there are recipes for the rest of Ellen and Portia’s vegan Thanksgiving feast on the website. Now we can all be more like Ellen and Portia because really, that’s how we should all live our lives. Every morning, get out of bed and go, “How can I be more like Ellen and Portia today?” The world would totally be a better place if everyone did that. And a cuter place. And a smarter place. And a more hilarious place. OK, I’ll stop while I’m still slightly short of Single White Female.


Portia de Rossi breaks out the bedhead for stray cats!  »

Yes, the ever-lovely Portia de Rossi has kicked off Alley Cat Allies' new series of PSAs. Call me a star-fucker if you need to but I do not care, I love Portia! I liked her as soon as I saw her with her glorious hair on Ally McBeal, but then when I found out she was a lesbian, well, then I LOVED her! But since she went vegan? HOLY CRAP I need a new word for how much I love her. She and Ellen light up my life.

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