Review: Universal Cafe!  »

The wait at Universal Cafe for brunch is retarded. I mean, it’s (almost) utterly and impossibly unbearable. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to murder. On occasion, I may actually start to gnaw on my own hand to curb my painful hunger. Also, if it’s cold out, you better bundle up like the two SUPER-BEAUTIFUL and EXTREMELY HOT ladies in the above photo. The day this photo was taken, we waited for something like 19 hours. I still can’t feel my toes.

Once you get inside, this place is cool. It has a very New York City feel to it…could easily be in Chelsea or some such. They serve a very popular brunch, lunch, and dinner on most days. This is a good place to take your omni friends and family if you want to watch them eat meat in front of you as there are very few vegan options on the menu and honestly, that’s unacceptable. You’re hip, you’re in the Mission, you cater to assholes and guess what? A fair number of assholes in this neighborhood are vegan. I know, I am one. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE TOFUTTI, SAN FRANCISCO! Vegans are HERE! We’re QUEER! We’re FABULOUS! DON’T FUCK WITH US! AND MAKE US SOME MOTHERFUCKING BRUNCH BEFORE I HUNT YOU DOWN LIKE BAMBI, KILL YOUR MOTHER AND LEAVE YOU ALONE IN THE WOODS WITH ONLY A DERANGED RABBIT AS YOUR GUIDE. I mean, SHIT. Do I need to take this to the streets? Hasn’t it already been taken to the streets? I will not fucking sit at the back of the fucking bus. I want some fucking tofu scrambles, I want some fucking soy milk and I want some motherfucking Earth Balance. I MEAN, FUCKING A. Why such a reluctance to accept us vegans into your world? Aren’t you after the green, green money, hundred-dollar bills, y’all? I mean, I’ve got money. Most of it’s green. The rest of it is yellow. It’s made by Milton Bradley who, by the by, are HUGE counterfeiters that the government is just sitting back and letting do whatever they want for some reason that is unbeknownst to me. They’re also committing massive amounts of real estate fraud by selling the same properties on Park Place AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN. Obviously they are in bed with Cheney but I haven’t had the time to figure it out yet. It’s complicated. Moving on.

As I think I have just clearly demonstrated, most of the great thinkers of all time were at least vegetarian and that’s because they (mostly) weren’t around for the mayhem that is today’s dairy and egg industries. Einstein, Tolstoy, Thoreau, Shaw, Plato, Newton, Van Gogh, the Shelleys, Rilke, Byron. The list goes on and on. As far as vegan, that list is huge and growing. And vegans are fresh, check THIS out. Prince is vegan—and stands two feet tall, looks like a purple-clad alien and STILL sleeps with chicks hotter than you and I will ever land—Alice Walker is vegan, KEVIN NEALON (!!!!) is vegan, Coretta Scott King was vegan, Margaret Cho is vegan, Carl Lewis is vegan, Leonardo da Vinci was vegan!, Dave Davies is vegan, Keenan Ivory Wayans is vegan, MOTHERFLIPPING Weird Al Yankovic IS VEGAN. ARE YOU TOO COOL FOR WEIRD AL??!! This is the man who penned “I’m Fat” and “Amish Paradise.” HAVE SOME FUCKING RESPECT.  

All that (crazily) said…. The chef is lovely enough to always concoct something specially for me and it’s always ridiculous delicious. Often, it’s some sort of hash with potatoes and carrots and YUM. Served with fresh fruit and tasty bread, it’s a perfect meal. The only reason I’m reviewing this place is because their specially made-for-a-vegan item is better than most stuff you can get at other places. How hard would it be to throw that on the menu?? I mean, it’s called, PROGRESS. In San Francisco, in the year 2008, in a fucking too-cool-for-school time and locale, is that too much to ask? If it is, then I’m moving my ass to fucking Des Moines or Duluth or fucking Daly City because why the fuck else do I pay through the keister to live in an über- (faux?) liberal city where forward-thinking, intelligent folks are supposed to be de rigeur? WHY? Where the fucking fuck are my fucking options?!?!? Why am I being treated like a second-class citizen because I have some fucking morals and care about something that’s bigger than, “OMG! Baby! That bacon was SOOOOOO good! I could only eat one bite! I’m SO full!” Also, a special note to the Skinny White Bitch next to me the other day who ordered some huge-ass steak and was pretending to be all down with ordering tons of food because “I don’t know, I can eat whatever I want! My metabolism is through the roof!” Bitch, you piss me the fuck off. I waited on you for four years and you always order the same fucking thing to impress your man and then end up taking two goddamn bites, claim that you are stuffed and then watch as he eats both meals. It makes me SICK! I mean, fuck you. If I ate meat, I would at least have the decency to finish the fucking meal. An animal died for you. UGH!

I mean, FUCK.

Also, I say “fuck” aprox. 520 times in this review. Hi, mom!

Oh yeah, for dinner you’ll be stuck with your classic baby greens salad and fries. They can usually make you a vegan flat bread or pasta dish but it depends. Not reliable and really only a place to go when you’re eating with non-vegans. UNTIL THEY READ THIS REVIEW AND EVERYTHING CHANGES RIGHT UNIVERSAL CAFE?! Universal Cafe is all, “Fuck off!” and I’m all, “I think you’re really pretty.*” and they’re all, “OK, whatever you want, Laura.” and then we ride off into the sunset on a bed of organic, sustainable, vegan menu options! I love it!

*Everyone wants to feel pretty. Even restaurants. This review is out of control. I’m gonna stop typing now.

[top photo by Megan Allison; exterior photo via yelp]

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