vegansaurus!

02/04/2009

Millennium!  »

I have a rule for Millennium. You take me here, I will put out. Whether you like it or not. I’ve made a not-interested-in-ladies-in-that-way friend very uncomfortable after he so politely paid the tab. Basically, you pull out your charge card and I’m knocking shit down, crawling across the table and COMIN’ TO GETCHA! Hot, I know.

Speaking of hot, let’s talk Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day, what is that about exactly? I’ll tell you. It’s about love, showing affection through consumerism, and anal sex. Not necessarily in that order but everyone has to get something out of it. What I’m trying to get at here is that Millennium is the perfect Valentine’s day spot for the vegan vagina in your life. I don’t know why I just typed vegan vagina, it’s like I lost control of my fingers and it just came out. I apologize. This post is about to get a lot less vulgar and a lot more SEXY! Because sex sells and Vegansaurus needs some traffic! SEX!

First sexy thing about Millennium, it’s located in a nice hotel. Restaurants in hotels are always sexy unless it’s the Holiday Inn Kids Eat Free, but I already promised I’d stay away from vulgar. First non-sexy thing about Millennium, the hotel is in the Tenderloin, where crackheads go to die. I’m not just saying that, it’s on maps. It’s depressing in a way that can only be described as mass suffering multiplied by urine plus a meth-head jamboree. Can I get a what-what for city living!?

Second sexy thing about Millennium, they have TheMostAmazing drink menu, often including a vegan white russian! Excellent mixed drinks with vodka they infuse themselves and an extensive beer and wine menu…all vegan, all excellent!

Third sexy thing, Millennium’s staff is sexy and adorable. Second non-sexy thing, not all of the clientele is sexy and adorable. Fourth sexy thing, dim lighting makes everything better!

Fifth sexy thing, THE MENU! It’s mostly seasonal but there are a few standout items on the all-organic menu that you’ll see year-round. The Zaatar and Garlic Spiced Hand-Cut Frittes (that’s fries to the rest of us!) are fucking amazing. YOU MUST GET THEM. Even if you aren’t a fry person (GET AWAY FROM ME!), these things will blow your mind! Sesame Cornmeal Crusted Oyster Mushrooms are a classic on the menu and I love them. I normally am way averse to mushrooms but those little suckers fit the ticket! Right now they’re serving Rancho Gordo Cannelini Runner Beans, which is basically a bruschetta of beans and seitan that is A-MAZING. I could easily make a meal (and often do) of appetizers and drinks. I think those are the best things they offer and it’s a lot cheaper than ordering full meals! Don’t get me wrong, the entrees are often delicious (like the currently offered, Seared Emerald Rice Cake with Indonesian red coconut curry, winter root veggies, lemongrass tofu and all sorts of other yummy things!) but they are more costly, usually ranging from $20-$25 while the appetizers and starters are more like $4-$10 and can be equally filling and provide more flavor combos bang for your buck!

The desserts are always yummy, ranging from their chocolate midnight cake (excellent and always on the menu!) to tiramisu to shortcakes to poached fruits to my favorite (and the cheapest!), The Sweet Ending, which is just some truffles and cookies and is always extra delicious. I’ve spent a couple weeknights as follows: walked into Millennium, sat at the bar, had a beer, the fries and a sweet ending and some excellent conversation with the bartenders and gotten out for $15. High class.

Right now, they are offering a Frugal Foodie deal, because sometimes it’s hard to be extra frivolous and gluttonous when everyone around you is losing their jobs and applying for government cheese and being all poor and depressed and shit. So I thought this was a very classy thing for them to do. Sunday through Wednesday they offer a three-course prix fixe option for $38/person with an optional wine pairing for $12. V. nice!

And in conclusion, please see the first “paragraph” of this review: I’m not wearing any underwear. THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!

11/13/2008

Review: Firefly!  »

My dad took me on a date to Firefly. It was a great date even though my mom came along. Honestly, that is how I feel when I eat out with my parents: it’s me and my dad and the precocious whiny 12-year-old who wants her steak cut into perfect squares or she’ll just DIE! I mean, I practically have to ask for a high chair because she is such a baby. Also, she’s about five feet tall and shrinking so the high chair comes in handy for that too. ANYWAY, despite the fact that we brought crazy town Momma B along for the ride, my dad and I had a lovely time. Sorry, did I say lovely? I meant bizarre.

Ordering with my mom and dad is like watching a figure skater fall. Humiliating. My mom recently announced to the family that she is going vegetarian. I’m kinda like, whatever, because my mom takes on new diets like Mary-Kate Olsen turns down life-sustaining food and beverage. Which is to say, every fucking day. So anyway, my mom is all, “Hmm…what should I GET? Maybe the fish?” and I’m like, “fish isn’t a vegetable,” and she’s all, “oh that’s right, I’m vegetarian now,” and my dad starts laughing hysterically and is all, “YEAH RIGHT! Did she tell you that, Laura? HAHAHA what a liar!” and my mom is all, “oh what are you going to order, JOHN? Bambi?” and my dad is all, “well maybe I will, JOYCE,”* and I’m all, “SHOOT ME IN THE MOTHERFUCKING FACE.”

Everything at Firefly is really, really delicious and there are always a couple of sides that are vegetarian or vegan (or can be made vegan) and at least one vegan entree. The vegan entree the night we went was OUT OF THIS WORLD. Basically, it was phyllo pastry stuffed with all sorts of perfectly cooked vegetables on a pile of perfect rice. My description is horrible but to sum it up, my knees buckled and angels sang; it was like being in heaven without the crappy death part. The vegan dish right now is roasted fall vegetables and sauteed greens with pomegranate salsa, quinoa and Luc’s Indiana green harissa. If brussels sprouts are on the menu, get them. Same with anything made with beets. I will be eating that on Saturday night when I go there on a for real date not with my parents. Moving up in the world!

Oh also, the waitresses are all sex pots and I wanted to mount the busboy at the table. LAURA GROSS WHAT THE STAFF’S ATTRACTIVE!!

So, more recap on actual establishment. Firefly: food is amazing, vegetarian and vegan options (although I wish there were more! C’mon! Give us more, Firefly, and you could be in Lauras for DAYS!) in a very romantical setting. It’s a date place if ever a date place existed. Plus, it’s nice to walk around Noe Valley hand in hand after dinner and count the number of screaming babies and then go home and make sweet love wearing 19 condoms and using a pound of spermicide. You might want to throw on a dental dam or five just in case. Alternately, you can just rip out your uterus and run it over with your car.

Oh and no vegan desserts at Firefly. Boo.

Finally, I must issue a demerit for the following reason:
I’m about to go on an Animal Rights Bender so please pass this enormously long run-on sentence if you can’t handle the HEAT! Firefly says something on the menu that’s like, “The animals that we serve are raised and slaughtered humanely and aren’t pumped full of chemicals and crack cocaine and shit like that,” and while that’s very cute and clever, the animals that they serve were not humanely slaughtered and just…the making light of something like that turns me off. It’s like, those animals gave their lives for you to fucking enjoy your pork tenderloin so don’t fucking make jokes about it. Almost all animals from every farm in the U.S. go to one of the few processing slaughterhouses that are HELLHOLES and they spend their final days scared shitless surrounded by death so really, don’t make a goddamn joke about it, goddammit.

*Ugh, fuck it! They’re both crazy!

[exterior photo via Firefly]

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