Dear Abby, thanks for bothing  »

Carolyn Hax, an advice columnist for the Washington Post, appears to be a big jerk. She received a question from a very worried vegan and her answer is straight-up dismissive. Anonymous asked Hax for some marriage advice: she and her husband had always been dedicated vegans and all of a sudden her husband started eating meat again. She writes, “Now I feel duped. And seeing meat in our refrig hurts,” and asks at the end, “Do principles trump love?”

Here’s a portion of Hax’s response:
[F]or all your reverence for animals, you’re not showing much respect for the mammal you married. With my emphasis added, I’m going to give your words back to you: “How can someone I love not see the cruelty.” Your love determines how someone else thinks?

I appreciate your passion and sympathize with your predicament—dramatic change in a spouse is difficult, no matter what form it takes—but you need to take a couple of rhetorical steps back to your side of the personal responsibility line. He is entitled to his own principles, which includes the right to revisit, revise or reject them.

That mammal comment, oh my god shut up. And I’m confused: How is she not showing respect to her husband? By disagreeing with him? Because a good wife always agrees with her husband? Remember that, ladies! Hax is right, the husband can do whatever he wants because guess what, everyone can do whatever they want, but she is completely belittling Anonymous’ concern. Would she say the same to a devout Jewish person whose Jewish spouse suddenly wanted to be Catholic? If certain values are an essential part of your existence and you enter into a relationship with someone who shares those values, it’s a big fucking deal if they do a 180.

For myself, I would never get into a relationship with a pro-lifer because I completely reject that stance. If my spouse started condemning abortion rights, I would have a huge problem with that. And vice versa—could a devoted pro-lifer be in a relationship with someone pro-choice? The values aren’t just different, they’re inherently conflicted. She’s vegan and he directly contributes to animal suffering. If she entered into the relationship knowing that, that is one thing, but if part of her feelings for her husband were based on their shared values, that’s totally different.

I asked our own Laura Beck, who writes an advice column for VegNews, what her advice would be and she was happy to help out:

Dump the chump! Or at least get counseling because this shit will fester out of control if it’s not addressed stat! Respect is the foundation of every (good) relationship, and if you don’t respect someone’s choices, you’re gonna have a hard time getting freaky with them. Although, the husband might have a hard time getting freaky anyway, with all that rotting meat in his penis.

Also, if anyone has questions for me to answer in Ask Laura, please to email me! I answer everything from sex to love to sexy love and also questions involving food, politics, Super Mario Kart, dogs, cats, koala bears, home pickling, serial killers (area of expertise), squirrels, rats (the squirrels of the sewers!), the world wide web, hacking (legal and not), Law & Order: SVU, fashion, fatshion, binge-eating (i.e., treating yourself right), and being pretty. 

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