Jasmine Tea House has reopened! And they have Sesame Meatless Chicken! »
We love Jasmine Tea House very much, and when it closed, we were very sad. BUT NOW! We can be happy again because it’s reopened! Apparently it’s under new ownership and the mind-blowing Sesame Meatless Chicken isn’t on the actual menu, BUT the wonderful We Built This City let us know that you can order it off-menu! Do that because when you do shit like that, you look like a total boss. I DON’T NEED A FUCKING MENU, SON.
Also, if you are craving the original Jasmine Tea House tastiness, I BELIEVE the old owners currently operate Big Lantern on 16th Street in the Mission. They have some damn delicious vegan dim sum and all kinds of meatless chickens! Plus, they deliver all over San Francisco and honestly, that’s probably how you want to eat it because when you dine in, it’s just a sad flurry of to-go orders flying out around you.
However, if you want to have pretty much an entire restaurant to yourself when you eat, then head to Big Lantern! Actually, I’ve totally talked myself into going to lunch there, I love dining alone! You can gorge yourself AND you don’t have to look another person in the eye—my two favorite things!
Review: Jasmine Tea House! »
Jasmine Tea House is where Bill Clinton gets his delivery from when he’s in town and if you couldn’t tell it by looking at him, the Big Dog knows from food. Also, if you couldn’t tell it by looking at him, you need some glasses. Anyway, Jasmine Tea House has the absolute best fake chicken in all of San Francisco. I make this statement and I’m prepared to back it up. Preferred method of backing it up = my fists. There are a limited number of preparations of the magical meatless chicken listed under the vegetable section of the menu but they can veganize any of the chicken dishes. You absolutely MUST get the sesame fake chicken. Trust me. My omni friends like it even better than real chicken because they say it doesn’t have all the funky gristly parts and is instead, perfect chicken-like cubes of deep fried and sauced perfection! Just typing this, my mouth is begins to water for it. That is not a lie. And all I have is this nasty Luna bar. God is not good.
In addition to the glorious meatless chicken, the Singapore noodles are delicious and I also recommend the garlic spinach and the pea shoots if you want a meal with something other than fry. Pussy. They deliver anywhere in San Francisco and you get a free (gross) chow mein or free (gross) fried rice with any order over $15. They can substitute the chow mein or fried rice with plain white or brown rice if you ask and I highly recommend that because the chow mein and fried rice are GROSS.
Now, onto the employees. They’re mainly awesome, occasionally grumpy and sometimes incompetent city. One particularly frustrating evening, I ordered delivery and found that my fake chicken was indeed real chicken. Freaked out, I called back and went through an entire 20 minutes of arguing over whether or not I ordered fake chicken and then whether or not what I had was real or fake chicken. Listen, bitch. I know what I ordered because this is how I order fake meat at a restaurant that also serves real meat:
"I’d like the fake vegetarian vegan fake meatless chicken dish made with fake vegan meatless fake chicken."
YOU FEEL ME???
Don’t argue with me about what I ordered, just send over the correct order right now because I’m FUCKING STARVING. And while this was a devastating, shitty event for me, it was a truly special night for my dog Hazel who eats and loves the vegan dog food I feed but was more than happy to tuck into a bowl of lemon chicken. MY OWN CHILD-DOG. Ugh, sometimes I’m so disappointed with her lack of will power. She’ll never get into Harvard at this rate!
[Jasmine Tea House photos via its website]