OH NO: matches aren’t vegan! »
The world is fucking ridiculous. First the Kardashians get their own television show. Then some of them get their own spin-off show. And now it has come to my attention that matches are not vegan. Yeah, that’s right. Whenever you want to light up a soy candle that you so painstakingly made sure was vegan, you best be rubbing some sticks over that shit: matches are the devil’s work.
I was watching a rerun of How It’s Made where, among other things, they discussed how matches are made. I was shocked to learn that gelatin is a part of the chemical cocktail on match heads, and was floored when the narrator introduced “animal protein” as an ingredient promoting oxidization. I had no fucking idea that something so commonplace as a match is teeming with “animal product.” Yucky yuck. It’s up on YouTube, see for yourself. A simple google search backed up How It’s Made's claim, one source citing “animal glue” as both a combustor and adhesive, and isinglass as a “conditioner.” It makes me wonder what the fuck is in everything else I own that doesn’t have an ingredients list. Oh, the bittersweet aftertaste of truth. I think I’m going to go cry in a corner now.
Foods you would think are always vegan because that’s what MAKES SENSE. But alas, sense has no place here! GO AMERICA! WOO! »
I am compiling a list of things that you would think are always vegan but are quite often not. I’m doing this because a couple times in the past weeks, I’ve been somewhere and asked if the following things are vegan and the answer has been No, and also, “You’re the only vegan to ever ask that!” so I thought I should share with you less sophisticated/worse-than-me vegans. Let the gigantic superiority complex begin!
1) Home fries at diners. They are often cooked with or finished with butter. Even places that are extremeley vegan-friendly will have non-vegan home fries! This is SO ANNOYING to me. It’s like, just leave the butter you throw on at the very end off for my order or use delicious Organic Earth Balance and save everyone from fatty cholesterol death without sacrificing taste! GAH PEOPLE! Also, is home fries one word or two? Anyway, make sure to always ask! Also, I apologize for the Home Fries poster because A) what’s up with that hair, that dress and that FONT? B) DREW BARRYMORE UGH and C) TERRIBLE MOVIE. I mean, so bad. And this is coming from a woman who lists Billy Madison and Cabin Boy in her top-five all-time favorites. OKAY? Also, that should mean nothing as those are both excellent films.
2) Hot dog and hamburger buns. Even if the veggie dog or veggie burger itself is touted as vegan, the bun often is not. It can have whey, eggs, or any number of crappy animal products in it. Usually a place can subsitute bread for the bun, although with a veggie dog that is depressing and makes it look even more gross and phallic, just a weiner hanging out of two pieces of bread!
3) Beer, Wine, and Liquor. Vegans are usually pretty good at this and some don’t discriminate when it comes to SWEET ALCOHOL, but with sites like Barnivore, it’s fairly easy to make sure your LIFE-SUSTAINING FLUID is vegan. I fully apologize for that last sentence.
Now that I’ve pointed out all those things, you probably know of a million more. Feel free to post in the comments and get into flame wars and shit. Anything to liven it up around this joint!
Sorry, I’m like the Grim Reaper of Veganism over here. I’ve accidentally eaten non-vegan homefries (sp??!!) and non-vegan buns in my vegan days and guess what, I’m still vegan, bitches! You live, you learn. Plus, there are so many more things you can eat as a vegan than you can’t eat! Erik Marcus actually did a great guest post on Fatfree Vegan about it here. Maybe the comments should be more about all the great things we can eat and worlds of food that opened up to us as vegans—I mean, I never knew I could make a delicious meat analog out of wheat gluten…NUTS! And what about all the coconut milk desserts I never woulda known? And CHIA SEED GRAVY, the thought of you not in my life? I can’t hang.