Celebrate the everyday with Meat Week, the festival for people with too much time on their hands  »

Want to hear something that’s just so cool? There’s a group dedicated to creating a “Meat Week” in cities throughout the country! How clever is that?! OMG such a great idea. Wait, can we also have a White History Month and a Straight Pride Parade?! Bros, reality check: American culture has beat you to Meat Week! But we just call it, “this week,” or occasionally, “next week” and sometimes, “last week.” Get it? Every week is Meat Week here in the U.S. of A.

I read their website so you don’t have to—and oh my god do you owe me. Suffering through their writing was like having someone vomit stupidity directly into my brain. For real, don’t read it; it will make you dumber. I will break it down for you instead: Meat Week was started by a Floridian fanboy and -girl who took time off from whatever role-playing game I’ve never heard of to eat BBQ for a week. Somehow I doubt this is really anything new; I’m sure they ate plenty of BBQ before this, they just wanted to add a “festivus” element to make their redundant evening plans a little more exciting. Mission accomplished, pals!

This is like those people who were protesting smoke-free bars. In my youth, I enjoyed an indoor cigarette here and there but to actually spend your energy protesting that? With all the problems and injustice in the world, that is the what really gets you off the couch? For shame, people. Seriously, that’s pathetic. It’s as pathetic as using your resources, energy and skills to organize a “Meat Week” when everyone and his mom is already eating more meat than the world can sustain. Americans eat about twice the global average of meat a day while the meat industry continues to destroy the planet. This is an example of the “FUCK YOU WORLD” attitude that makes everyone hate the United States. For real, everyone thinks Americans are gluttonous, mindless, smug douchebags and things like a Meat Week are exactly why.

I’ve got a great idea: let’s have an Fossil-Fuel Week! We could do it right after Bike-to-Work Week. All we have to do is get millions of people to drive their cars everywhere all the time, spend a ton on industrialized heating and cooling systems, personally use as much electricity and power as possible and let’s cover the country in factory farms. OMG WAIT HOLD THE PHONE! OK, OK, well how about a petroleum slip-n-slide?! Oh, right.

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