Simple answers to simple questions: Bill Clinton and Gawker edition  »

Gawker headline: “Bill Clinton Is a Vegan?”

Answer: No.

Here’s the Big Dog in his own words on Wolf Blitzer: “I did all this research, and I saw that 82 percent of the people since 1986 who have gone on a plant-base, no dairy, no meat of any kind, no chicken, no turkey—I eat very little fish, once in a while I’ll have a little fish—If you can do it, 82 percent of people have begun to heal themselves.”

Bill Clinton eats fish. Fish is meat. Vegans don’t eat meat. And I know the flowchart is starting to get CAH-razy over here, but follow me to the end, we’re almost there—ready for it? Here it comes: Therefore: Bill Clinton is not a vegan! See what I did there? Just call me Professor Logic.

Yes, the vegan hive-mind is walking on sunshine and lighting bottle rockets to celebrate yet another member of the Clinton dynasty going loud and proud about the benefits of a plant-centric diet. No complaints there. And if he wants to keep a bit of fish in his diet, that’s his personal choice. Not the choice I would make, but less meat is still less meat.

But say it with me, because for some reason this still confuses the hell out of people: Vegans don’t eat meat! If you eat meat, you’re not a vegan! Clinton isn’t even calling himself a vegan, so what’s up, Gawker? Next time you get confused about a word’s definition, here’s a tip from one blogger to another. See that box in the upper right hand corner of your browser? That’s called “search.” All you do is type in the confusing word, hit return, and WOW AMAZING you’ll get back the word’s definition, like magic! See, I am so helpful.

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