Corn is Expensive, So Cows Eat Candy  »

You know what sucks about factory farming?* Those poor cows never get dessert. No trick-or-treating, no birthday parties, no office candy dishes. Just corn corn corn, soy soy soy, corn corn corn all year long. 

Thankfully for the rights of cows everywhere, the Weather Channel reports** that this summer’s drought has shot corn prices sky high, so farmers are actually finding it cheaper to feed their cows “discarded food products” like ice cream sprinkles, gummy worms, and marshmallows. Finally, some justice! Plus, imagine all the jobs this will create for future cow dentists. 

See, the reason this makes so much sense is that it’s obviously a good use of resources to process the food that cows eat as much as possible, so that when we slaughter them and eat their flesh, each bite will have the carbon footprint of driving a Hummer for six years or so. There’s definitely no irony in the fact that the methane from the poor cows contributes to the global warming that’s likely causing this and future droughts. Nothing weird about giving grass-eaters pure sugar with gelatin in it. GELATIN.

Guys, I hope you find this as uplifting as I did. Just doing my part to brighten your day. K, I’m off to go slam my hand in the car door a few times, because I just love that tingle. 


**They do news?!

Cow photo by law_kevin/


380 million egg recall now underway. Great!  »

Yep, 380 MILLION EGGS are being recalled. Jesus fucking christ. The Humane Society warns of a huge public safety risk (UH NO DOY) and calls on the egg industry to phase out battery cages. According to HSUS, scrambling eggs doesn’t kill Salmonella so it’s not even just uncooked eggs you gotta watch out for and that is SO GROSS. Further, eggs from confined hens have 7.77 times greater odds of carrying Salmonella. Again, SO FUCKING GROSS.

You know what has no risk of Salmonella? NOT EATING EGGS. I don’t get it. What is with America’s dependence on eggs? They’re bad for us, the industry is evil to everyone involved (systemic price-gouging, anyone?), and even The Kitchn says vegan cupcakes taste better!

Just quit it! We can help. Anyone willing to give up eggs for a month should holler at me and i’ll make you a dozen vegan cookies. NO I SERIOUSLY WILL. Wait, should we make this a thing? Like get a list of people willing to commit to giving up eggs for a month and getting some cookies in return? Would that work? I’m willing to put my baking clothes (read: eating pants) on to make that happen! 

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