vegansaurus!

09/28/2010

Advertising beat: McDonald’s is for Old Spice-lovers, please  »


[can’t see the video? watch it on vegansaurus.com!]

Since our sneakers correspondent is also our crack advertising reporter, and that Megan Rascal is still gallivanting about Europe, we’re on the advertising beat today! This 30-second spot hasn’t aired on U.S. television yet, but presumably it will, considering how hard commercial media want us to admire/be/get wet for dudes who do Manly Things. The manliest thing a man has ever done, of course, is stuffed some meat down his gullet. Also, the voiceover guy has an “American” accent, and you know ‘murrican Manly Men don’t respond to “foreign” voices—unless they’re selling “foreign” products, like Dos Equis beer, or Grey Poupon mustard.

Obviously McDonald’s can’t pretend their products are anything but chemically enhanced food-like substances, so now they’re making an appeal to the same people Manly Men who are all about smelling like Old Spice and bringing back chivalry. Cool idea, so original! You all are the smartest ever. Maybe it’s all the sodium that reminds you, a Manly Man, of your innate responsibility to open doors for Ladies. Maybe it’s the weird dairy products in the processed cheese-food that give you super-strong hands!* Or maybe all that gnarly cholesterol is actually brain food, and BAM you can fix cars you’ve never even seen before! Honestly, we have no idea; as vegans, we’ll never eat that much cholesterol, and most of your Vegansaurus was born XX, so we’re doubly stupid about the wondrous effects of McDonald’s on Manly (Omnivorous) Men.

Has anyone is Australia seen this commercial yet? Does it make you want to puke as much as we wanted to when we watched it? This play-pretend admiration of the super-fixed gender roles of the last century is unbelievably fucking stupid—it’s not even a binary!—and emphasizing its importance is pathetic. We are moving on from “Manly,” and we’re moving on from McDonald’s. If you want to make it in this century, you’d better evolve, you creeps.

*Note to fellow homo sapiens without much hand strength: wrap a rubber band around the lid of the jar. That provides much more traction than those ridiculous rubber opener-things and you can leave it on the jar for future use. It is brilliant and amazing and another small way of maintaining your independence.

03/12/2010

Awesome art, crazy-ass email, superlative videos, puppy birthday AND MORE in this week’s link-o-rama!  »

Hey, let’s wish happy birthday to my parents’ dog, Oliver, who turns three big years old today! Oliver (at left, shown here with his older brother, Beauregard) works as a therapy dog, has a charmingly insouciant underbite, and wants to be your bestest friend. Happy birthday, little fellow!

Fun times vegan-style events!
The Out of Place art show at SPACE Gallery (1141 Polk St. at Hemlock Street) tonight, Friday Mar. 12, features your Vegansaur Jonas! It costs $3 and runs from 8 to midnight, and will be catered by Black Orchid Bakery. Is there enough culture in your life? Probably not, you philistine, so get over there and appreciate some damn art.

On Saturday, Mar. 13, you can attend “The Nutrition Prescription” lecture by Donald Forrester, M.D., presented by the San Francisco Vegetarian Society, at the Institute of Aging at 3600 Geary Blvd. (between Arguello Boulevard and Palm Avenue). The lecture begins at 8 p.m. and costs $10, or participate in the veg potluck at 6:30 p.m. and pay just $2. Contact the SFVS for further information.

Late update: The LGBT Army of Compassion will hold a demonstration against animal cruelty on Sunday, Mar. 14 from 8 to 9 a.m. in the northeast corner of the Heart of the City Farmers Market (UN Plaza) in San Francisco. Brochures (such as this pdf) and signs will be provided. For further information, contact the LGBT AC.

Washington, D.C., home of scrumptious vegan baked goods and now Hush Supperclub, a vegetarian Indian “underground restaurant” that sounds amazing.

Items of social and political import!
Phil Bronstein isn’t sure about the ethics of an animal abuse registry when animal abuse is condoned every day in our kitchens and laboratories.

The ethics of zoos come again under scrutiny as the three polar bears who live in San Francisco get older and become more difficult and expensive to “keep.”

Switzerland denies animals dedicated legal counsel. Apparently Swiss animal protection laws are ” among the strictest rules anywhere,” but proponents don’t think they’re enforced enough to matter. Keep trying, Switzerland.

Stop, video time! It’s JSF on Ellen’s Thursday, Mar. 11 show! [note: if you can’t see the video, please visit the link-o-rama at Vegansaurus.com!]

Oh, does someone think s/he invented the Elvis cupcake? Sorry, vegans have been doing it for four years, now.

OK Canada, for most of the items on this list of “10 foods of the future,” you’re cool again. Or at least acceptable (we don’t go in for that “non-traditional fish” or “new fabricated cuts of meat” nonsense).

Probably better that you eat Canadian meat, anyway (if you’re going to eat DEATH and all) as the U.S. is one of the top-five” least safe food producers in the world, along with China, Turkey, Iran, and Spain. I am SO PROUD.

Seriously, Walnuts? “Vote McCain, because BACON!” You nasty.

OK, Bob Barker has always been a total sleazy lecher, but his love for animals is pure and true: he just gave $2.5 million to renovate a building on Sunset Boulevard in L.A. for PETA—it’ll be called the Bob Barker Building, natch.

Beloved blog Sociological Images present maps that illustrate where animals for food and crops for food are grown in the U.S. Fruits, nuts and vegetables and chickens come from California!

That milk that makes you roll your eyes every time you open the fridge because ew is from California, too, right? Maybe not! Make your friends and relations find out where their dairy products originate at where is my milk from (also useful for soy milks).

Read the first article from The Awl’s vegetarian columnist, Jaime Green! It’s about visiting a Manhattan farmers market in the winter.

If little Oliver weren’t too stubborn/dumb(?) to play any version of “fetch” (because “fetch” does NOT mean “I throw the ball and you chase after it and hide it”), I would have definitely gotten him this for his birthday. [link and photo from Pawesome!]

Food & Wine magazine is shocked to find Berliners eating vegetarian food, as opposed to “Wiener Schnitzel and Currywurst.” Being very well traveled vegans, we are not.

Did you know that East Asian people eat CATS and DOGS? How SAVAGE!! The Chinese government is at present “considering legislation” to ban eating these particular animals, which is probably good considering how awful their living conditions are prior to slaughter. It of course does NOTHING for the rest of the animals raised for consumption in China, but as long as our precious puppies and kitties are protected, we can all sleep at night, right?

Holy Mary in a handbag, have you read this insanator email from an anti-The Cove wacko to Rich FourFour? It is the craziest best: “The humans being protecting wolfs(the whales / dolphins)is the devil! Devil! Devil! Devil! Destroy the devil for protect the human fish! The shark is a friend of the fish. The shark eats only the fish that dead / was damaged.”

Despite the horrors of whaling, Slate, however, wants you to know just what dead whale meat tastes like—and did you know that “many schools of Buddhism favor eating whales”? SEE, IT’S OK BECAUSE THOSE HIPPIE WEIRDOS SAY SO.


How about another photo? Party penguin has stripped off his dress whites and is ready to get down! [Photo via Andrew Evans of National Geographic]

Delightful Ruben Studdard went vegetarian 18 months ago, switched to a vegan diet six months ago, and lost 100 pounds! Man, when I went vegan for keeps I lost like zero pounds, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, AMERICA, WHY DO I STILL HAVE FLESH ON MY VEGAN BONES?? Seriously, we’re super-happy for you, Ruben, keep living your wonderful, cruelty-free life.

DYING OF AWESOME: this amazing retort to Abby’s "Vegan Boys Are the Worst" called “Vegan Boys Are the Best,” complete with KAZOO SOLO, by Brownbird Rudy Relic of SuperVegan!

01/21/2010

BEEF!: nicht für Frauen—unless your Mann gives it to you  »

We’ve discussed this idiocy before, how eating meat should make you a real big man, with manly muscles and a manly penis and all those other attributes that make the ladies and lady-dudes just swoon. Worse, as painful as it is to consider our grandparents having to suffer that bullshit in the ’50s, it looks like we’re being subjected to it again. To wit: not only is everybody eating meat, raw meat, but according to some Hamburghers,* beef in particular is a Man’s Food and should be revered as such, in its own magazine with fancy title-punctuation: BEEF! for Men with Taste. Oh Germany, how clever you are. The Double X blog has a tidy little dissection, as it were,** but which doesn’t go far enough—roll your eyes at the disgusting-in-all-senses-of-the-word articles, shake your fist with rage at the “men are chefs, women are cooks” stereotypes, because even when dudes take on kitchen responsibilities it is all fun and games and aren’t they creative with their amaaaazing dinners and photos and knife collections! Ladies, leftovers casserole again? Boring, gross, make me a sandwich and/or pie, bitch! GOD, variations on this joke will never get old.

All of which is, yes, obnoxious in the extreme. Even when everyone’s wearing an apron, someone’s taking His more seriously than Hers—especially when His is covered with aromatic, erotic, freshly butchered lamb’s blood,*** and Hers is caked with rapidly cementing flour-and-dishwater paste. The Editor in Chief of BEEF! says so himself (sample quote: “Women cook because they have to. For the kids who come home hungry at lunch, or in the evening for their partner. Men cook because they want to. Because it’s their hobby, their passion.”) It’s hard in there for a grrrrl.

It’s also hard out there for a dude who doesn’t want to eat meat. He’s not a man’s man, you see; how can he be, if he’s not willing to hunt and kill a meal for you, or at least craft supper out of the murdered remains of a less powerful animal? First you eat your meat to grow up big and strong, and once you are big and strong, you eat meat to prove you’re still at the “top” of the “food chain” (do we think about any other “chains” in terms of “tops” and “bottoms,” by the way?). That’s logic—manly logic! BEEF! logic!! The kind that comes to you after your brain has melted from BSE. Possibly the same that assumes anyone believes any of this anymore. Our favorite ways to insult a vegetable-eater’s looks—“anemic,” “anorexic,” “pale”—are all synonymous with weakness, frailty, the physical opposite of the macho man with his heroic penis and big creative brain. I mean, what do we eat, salads? Not even real food! Certainly not food worth using “Knives to Die For” on!

BUT: What’s the point? BEEF! isn’t really a magazine, in the sense that issues are published with any regularity (the first is dated October 2009; the second is due in May 2010) or that it’s supposed to do anything besides idolize a lifestyle that only ever existed between the pages of Playboy. Maybe with the rise of power German ladies, unemployed German dudes needed to carve out some space for themselves—the world being divided into G.R.O.S.S. members and everyone else—or maybe I shouldn’t have written this response at all, because manufacturing trends is stupid, this magazine’s premise is silly, and meat is fucking disgusting. Given the choice, I’d much rather kiss a man who doesn’t eat meat—ethics are hot, they imply you have a brain.

[For further reading on meat and gender roles, do please visit the Sociological Images blog.]

*SEE WHAT I DID THERE?
**ON FIRE with the wit today. I’m so sorry.
***BARF OK kill me now.

10/28/2009

What exactly is “strained” meat? Duh, eating it makes a healthy, husky tot (just look at those mighty cheeks!), but the process of straining, exactly, I don’t understand.
Oh well! The bigger point is, delicious organ meats for baby!! Who knew that in a few decades, those little brats slurping down nummy strained and/or chopped 100 PERCENT MEAT would be grown-ups refusing to eat that very veal in scaloppini/chop form!
Check out the label on the Swift’s Meats for Juniors: that is totally a jolly bunny rabbit leading a calf off to slaughter. Correct interpretation y/y? Oh man, The Past was The Worst.
[thanks, Sociological Images]

What exactly is “strained” meat? Duh, eating it makes a healthy, husky tot (just look at those mighty cheeks!), but the process of straining, exactly, I don’t understand.

Oh well! The bigger point is, delicious organ meats for baby!! Who knew that in a few decades, those little brats slurping down nummy strained and/or chopped 100 PERCENT MEAT would be grown-ups refusing to eat that very veal in scaloppini/chop form!

Check out the label on the Swift’s Meats for Juniors: that is totally a jolly bunny rabbit leading a calf off to slaughter. Correct interpretation y/y? Oh man, The Past was The Worst.

[thanks, Sociological Images]

08/25/2009

MILK: “nature’s wellness drink!” or, How propaganda becomes fact   »

We are superfans of Sociological Images blog, and today they call our attention to more deviousness by every vegan’s favorite single-entendre ad campaign, good old Got Milk? Apparently 2009 marks 12 years of famous people hawking the “benefits” of milk, as though anyone needed reminding that cows milk is the nectar of the gods, and abstaining from it condemns you to a brief, miserable life of being short and weak, ending in a painful, osteoporosis-related death. Not to mention how happy producing all that milk makes the cows, and their little male calves, lifelong members of the Future Veal of America club. Cows milk is SO FUCKING AWESOME, why aren’t you drinking some (from the carton, like a real man) RIGHT NOW?

Chicago’s ABC affiliate would certainly like to know! After all, according to the Got Milk Campaign representative (a.k.a., an employee of the California Milk Processor Board), cows milk is “nature’s wellness drink!” It helps you grow, it helps you play, it helps you be the best goddamn human you can be! Eschew it, and you’ll be fat, weak, and morally decrepit before some apple-cheeked seven-year-old can fish his Oreo-brand cookie out of the big glass of icy cold vitamin-D-enriched milk he dropped it in. Don’t believe her? It’s on the news, for heaven’s sake! If it weren’t true, they wouldn’t air it on the news, would they? Enjoy these informative three-and-a-half minutes:

When was the last time you heard soy milk presented in such a positive light on the local news? Never, right? The most recent nonsense I can recall was all that braying about “too much soy” causing little heterosexual boys to become homosexual, because of the evil hormones in soybeans or something. As though anyone supporting the consumption of cows milk products can talk about the dangers of hormone ingestion.

The treatment this news anchor provides this dairy industry spokesperson is something we’d expect from a morning show host interviewing some actor about a film about happy puppies—no real questions, no discussion of issues, just, “Tell me what’s great about your product!” and three minutes of shilling. I can’t say I’m surprised, being of the “all TV news is a bunch of bullshit” school of civic cynicism, but that doesn’t mean I’m not disappointed. Twelve years later and they’re still demanding that we Get more torture-Milk, and still no one is questioning them except loopy health nuts and vegans. Ugh.

07/22/2009

One body is the same as another  »

Another delightful juxtaposition of pictures from Sociological Images, today two guides: the first, the qualities constituting the best body of the contestants in the 1959 Miss Universe pageant; the second, those qualities constituting the best-quality steers in the Kansas State University 4-H club.

What?

The text from the guide, as quoted from SI: “ALL FIGURED OUT–-This chart is used by judges as [a] guide in picking Miss Universe. First six show figure flaws, seventh is perfectly proportioned. (1) Shoulders too square. (2) Shoulders too sloping. (3) Hips too wide. (4) Shoulder bones too pronounced. (5) Shoulders and back hunched. (6) Legs irregular, with spaces at calves, knees, thighs. (7) The form divine, needs only a beautiful face.”

Next, diagrams of two steers with different types of hideous figure flaws—deformities, really.

Finally, the steer form divine:

Isn’t he lovely? Bones not too pronounced, brisket not too deep; certainly the most lovely assemblage of parts that I’ve ever seen; needs only a beautiful sauce.

07/21/2009

“ Do You Love Animals? Do You Have Lady Bits? Take Off Your Clothes! „

How cute. This time, the two ladies are wearing lettuce-styled bras and undies sets and Playboy Bunny necklaces (because these vegan role models are also Playmates!) while they distribute vegan hot dogs. Also, they have similar hair and body types, so not only are they two hot chicks in matching underwear, they are implied twin hot chicks in matching underwear. When I think “vegan,” I definitely think “incest fantasy.” You too?

Always with the nearly nude women, PETA. Why? The two dudes accompanying these lettuce ladies here are wearing black t-shirts and jeans. They couldn’t all be wearing gross-out lettuce-fetish lingerie? Or maybe everyone could have just worn PETA-logo clothes, like human beings who are worth more than their depersonalized body parts?

No one at our vegan bake sales last month was naked, and we were very successful. PR stunts like this one are tawdry, cheap, exploitative and embarrassing, PETA, and it is time to do something else, already.

[via Sociological Images]

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