Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday! »
Halloween falls on a Sunday this year. This is a dilemma! Do I go out Saturday night and spend it drunk out of my mind screaming “BUON GIORNO! OLIVE GARDEN!” at strangers, or do I do the same thing on Sunday? Except sober. Because I have to work on Monday. I hate being an adult. Remember how awesome we thought being an adult would be? Staying up late! Candy for breakfast! All the TV and hookers we wanted! What a rip-off. It’s all work and crying and begging your parents to help pay your rent because no one will pay you $1 million an hour while your boyfriend checks himself for bedbugs with a flashlight. And NOW THEY MAKE HALLOWEEN FALL ON A SUNDAY! It’s a conspiracy! Well, I’ll show you, world! You think I won’t show up to work two hours late on Monday, hung over and still dressed like a low-rent Super Mario? Well then you’ve got another think coming.
Which reminds me, I am totally going to be Super Mario for Halloween this year. Allen and I went as Mario and Luigi last year, but then I got frustrated with all the spirit gum on my face (just thinking about it makes me shudder) and demanded we go home and order pizza (as I had accidentally splattered the slice I had bought earlier all over a friend I was drunkenly hugging in the street). We were going to go as the Bananas in Pajamas this year, but Allen refuses to admit that I came up with the idea for the costume, and I refuse to give Allen credit for anything (because I am the brains here, goddammit!) so we are going as the Mario Brothers again. Complete with white gloves that Allen’s father got from a pair of funeral directors who left them at his church. After a funeral. Because they were free. This is how we roll.
Speaking of dressing up, though, I want to warn you of a couple of things so you have a safe and happy halloween.
Think carefully before dressing your dog/cat/three-toed sloth up to show your friends and impress your neighbors. I’m not judging—I once tried to dress my hamster as an Oreo cookie, and I was always forcing my rabbit into ugly holiday sweaters—but it can actually have psychological consequences. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s pretty plausible. I mean, if we feel humiliated AT HOME wearing those awful sweaters our great-aunts knit us, then imagine how a dog feels being paraded around dressed like a fucking sunflower. Some dogs, of course love to dress up and show off, but some don’t. According to some animal behavior experts, dogs don’t like to stand out due to their wolf heritage because wolves who stand out in a pack are more prone to being attacked. Who knew there was an evolutionary aversion to being dressed up like a magical fairy princess?
Of course the potential for humiliation didn’t stop these people at Tompkins Square Park in New York City! They dressed their dogs up in all sorts of amazing get-ups and if you believe by the pictures, everyone is having a pretty awesome time. Especially the dogs dressed as bed bugs. Topical AND terrifying: exactly what halloween should be. I’m sorry, stop the presses: there was an Antoine DOGson?
Here’s another don’t: Don’t give your trick-or-treaters beef jerky. I know none of us were going to do it, but apparently some beef jerky isn’t just hazardous to your health because you are eating the dead flesh of a suffering animal, but because they are filled with chunks of plastic and glass! Surprise! Target had to recall over 3,000 pounds of the beef jerky! No injuries have been reported, but I was hoping Target would have learned their lesson when the same company, Market Pantry, was part of that pesky egg recall a couple of months back. I don’t know why Target is taking Aaliyah’s advice so enthusiastically, but I wish they would stop.
Two more important notes about costumes:
1. Don’t dress up as Elmo and swear at people, because there is already a dude doing this in Times Square. Apparently he is harassing people, and making tourists faint with outrage because he is asking them to pay for pictures with him. Why do people from the Midwest (that is correct: I went there) assume that these people dress up in hot smelly costumes just for fun? It is a job. This reminds me of the one time I was at Fisherman’s Wharf and was waiting for the bus when a tourist tapped me on the shoulder and said “Hi honey, I don’t think you noticed…but there’s a line.”
“I don’t think that we have lines here.” I said, because I have been body-checked by tiny grandmothers on the 38 long enough to know that MUNI is an insane free-for-all where an elderly woman with 15 pink shopping bags will kick you for being “too fat to sit here, BOY!”
“We have lines in Ohio!” She said. “So it would be real nice if you respected that. You think you can do that?” I decided not to fight her and got behind her and she still talked about how rude I was the entire time and about how “we need to educate these San Francisco people to be more civilized.” I am obviously still not over it.
2. Don’t dress your child up as a “Vegetarian Noodle Bowl.” I’m not hating on the idea. A vegetarian bowl of noodles? DELICIOUS! A vegetarian costume? AWESOME! I hope the execution is just as awesome as the inspiration…oh, what a disappointment.
HOLD THAT THOUGHT! Here is an awesome vegan costume! That’s right! Vegan Police T-shirts! Well-made, attractive, and hilarious. Send me 20. I’ll put them on with my Lt. Dangle short-shorts and paint this town BLEACH BLONDE! (Sun-In really, but I didn’t think it would scan.)
Have an awesome Wednesday and an even more awesome halloween! Please send me ideas for next week!
Vegan wining, spiritual dining, the names of milk, the miracle of elephants and MORE in today’s link-o-rama! »
Sweet Avenue presents: Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson cupcakes? Marilyn Manson I can live without, but I will take all the Gaga ones RIGHT NOW, PLEASE.
Have you entered our contest yet? You could WIN A SHIRT! Come on, son!
Vegan-style events for you!
Remember, the Women Entrepreneurs Showcase happens on Sunday in Berkeley, with a vegan catered lunch for only $4! Be at the David Brower Center at 2150 Allston Way from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m.—lunch begins at noon.
The Recess Ends DVD release party is set for next Friday, May 7 at Medicine Agency, 1262 Mason St. at Jackson Street in San Francisco. The Recess Ends is a documentary about national unemployment—it sounds interesting, definitely worth a look. The screening starts at 8 p.m.
Miscellaneous items of varying importance!
Pajamactivism for the day: oppose the oil and gas leasing on the Outer Continental Shelf (via Defenders of Wildlife); ask Ahold to boycott Canadian seafood (via HSUS);’ Californians, contact members of the state Senate Appropriations Committee to express your opposition to SB 1345, which would legalize the importation and sale of kangaroo meat (via BAARN). “Pajamactivism”—y/n?
Aw you guys! CNN has the sweetest article about last weekend’s Worldwide Vegan Bakesale, with lots of photos of food you want to eat and people—and animals—you want to hug. San Francisco’s will happen next weekend, because of schedules, and whatever, you’ll get your desserts.
Baby activists: you could get scholarships for your awesome veg lifestyle! The Wall Street Journal finds it all a little silly—these children and their microloans, haven’t they money of their own?—but we say, go for it!
We’ve got all kinds of non-dairy milks made of all kinds of items, but we don’t have chickpea milk—yet. Israel does, though, and yes please we would like to try it.
The dairy industry, torturers of cows for profit (and fun?), would like the entire world to stop calling all non-animal milk “milk” and start calling it “imitation milk,” toute de suite. According to the National Milk Producers Federation, “soy milk” is a “bastardization of dairy terms.” Alternatively: "soy jism." Yes, someone outside of a creepy Western romance novel full of rape and cattle-roping still uses that word.
Attention pescatarians: you may now ease your consciences by purchasing your fish at Target and Wal-Mart, two of the top five purveyors of sustainable seafood as rated by Greenpeace. We are thrilled for you.
An Antioch, Calif. animal shelter killed two pit bulls this week, in apparent violation of the Hayden Act and despite the hard work of animal advocates. Life is so awesome, you guys.
"Foodies" are vegans, by which I mean, "white, affluent cultural snobs" and “elitists” who “romanticize poverty” and are basically terrible jerks who love eating. Get it?
On that note: need vegan wine recommendations? The Chronicle has an article about making and pairing wine in a “meat two ways!” world.
Let’s celebrate May Day with veal for a nickel! This doesn’t make me want to punch anyone in the stomach AT ALL. I’m also not at all irritated by the “Chicken wars” title of Michael Bauer’s little blog about all the delicious fried chicken choices in Southeast Kansas. “Chicken wars—whose tortured, murdered chicken has been prepared most tastily?” Man, fuck you guys.
OK, deep, cleansing breath: perhaps a visit to one of our fine city’s many cult-ish religion-run veg restaurants would help. Jackson West seemed to have a lovely time at all of them (I have been craving Golden Era for weeks, incidentally).
You can’t get Pizza Hut on military bases anymore, but you can get it in some prisons. Thanks, Aramark!
The down in your lovely soft comforter was most likely plucked from a living goose, which “constitutes torture.” Because you can only pluck a dead goose once, but you can pluck a living goose up to four times before you have to kill it! HA HA HA.
Letterman and his audience may find the idea of chicken activism high-larious, but after Ira Glass visited a rescued chicken farm, he went vegetarian. Fuck yeah Karen Davis!
The internet’s been all up in a bunch about discovering that chimpanzees grasp the concepts of “dying” and “death,” but I feel like Jane Goodall sort of already knew this 40 years ago? Regardless: if this leads to NEVER EXPERIMENTING ON THEM AGAIN, I’ll be happy; otherwise, science can shut the fuck up with its amazing animal discoveries and no heart.
You know what other animals are amazing? Elephants, duh! This week, an elephant in the Houston zoo made friends with a pit bull, which is apparently the only way a pit bull can be adopted in Houston, Texas. An elephant and dog in Tennessee are best friends, too, though that’s on an elephant sanctuary rather than a gross-out zoo. We also learned this week that elephants have a specific word meaning “let’s get out of here, there are bees around,” leading me to believe elephant language is rather like German.
The Elusive Vegan Peacoat »
For some people, the whole wool thing can be the most difficult concept of veganism* to grasp. Some people find it ridiculous. I find those people ridiculous! A brief internet investigation quickly reveals the super horrible abomination that is the wool industry. I can’t even talk about it anymore because it’s making me too sad!
The main point I’m making is DON’T BUY WOOL. In the summer, this isn’t so difficult. But when it gets to be wintertime, and all the omnivores trot out their winterwear with no regard for who or what it’s made of, clothing choices get more difficult. One such difficulty: the peacoat! Oh, the timeless peacoat, that woolen bastard! It is not easy to find good vegan alternatives. Not easy…for normal humans, that is! For Megan Rascal, it’s another story! That’s right, brothers and sisters, I’m here with a message of peace and non-wool peacoats for this winter season. Let’s get into it!
I’m just going to jump in with my top pick, this BB Dakota number from Alternative Outfitters. Look at this mofo. It’s THE HOTNESS! It’s $72 and hasn’t got a lick of wool. Booyah!
Next, we have a lovely fleece peacoat from Alloy. Remember Alloy? No? Well keep an eye out because they have lots of stuff that just happens to be vegan at very decent prices. This coat is on sale for $49.90. Not bad at all.
Now let’s get into some plaid! Wee! Target offers us this shweet plaid number for a mere $69.99. I’m into it.
More plaid, this time from Modcloth for $74.99. This one is pretty dope, admit it.
Now this next one I’m specifically including because Zappos saw fit to put this as the beginning of the description: “Show off your smokin’ hot bod in the O’Neill™ Blazin Jacket.” Smokin’ hot bod. All for $68.84. I think I made the right decision.
For the last coat, I’m bringing it upscale again to Theory. Yes, Theory has a non-wool coat for us! It’s $395! Yay! But for real, it’s Theory. That’s for ballers. I like this coat but the first one is still my favorite.
And that’s my vegan peacoat roundup! I thank you and the sheep thank you! Yee-ha!
*Screw you spell check! Veganism is totally a word!