Cooks Illustrated crowns the best supermarket hummus! »
It’s a good thing Thomas Jefferson didn’t include hummus in the Declaration of Independence, because all hummus sure as hell isn’t created equal.
Cooks Illustrated, a magazine for OCD people (to which I would 100 percent subscribe if it had a vegetarian edition), recently did us the favor of running a taste test on supermarket hummus. Let the results be service to vegans everywhere.
The winner happens to be my favorite: Sabra. Back in the day, my now-husband used to fly sackfuls of this creamy manna from his Jew-heavy hometown in South Florida to our hummus-bare northern Utah residence. It’s that good. Luckily you can even buy it at some Costcos now, in tubs big enough to drown your sorrows in.
The two other brands Cooks Illustrated deems edible:
Cedar’s All Natural
The more you know!
Those adorable godless harpies at the hairpin had a vegan nog-off and we are flagellating* ourselves for not thinking of it first GODDAMMIT VEGANSAURUS! All we do is eat all the food and drink all the alcohol and WE FUCKING LOVE NOG!** There is no excuse for our behavior. NO EXCUSE!
I am disgusted with and by and for us.
While we’re flagellating* ourselves in the vegan fatty shame corner, please check out the nog-off; it looks like the nogs all faired pretty well, except for that shit made with tofu but no doy.
Added bonus! Our Jenny, a vegan chef of extreme talent, created a nog recipe just for you that’ll blow the socks off all those other bullshit nog recipes. And it goes like-uh this:
4 cups cashew cream
Some lucuma powder (raw foodists love this shit, it will give it a buttery taste)
Some cinnamon (teaspoon? experiment, get loose!)
Some nutmeg (teaspoon? experiment, get loose!)
1/4 cup agave nectar
HELLA RUM (get real loose!)
Blend all that up in a VitaMix (accept no substitutions!)
Please make and report back!
Taste Test! What’s the Best Vegan Turkey Substitute? »
This photo is from the WaPo.
You know what I’m pissed about? That no one invited ME to participate in this taste test the Washington Post ran, comparing six un-turkey alternatives you could be having at your table this week, or whenever else you feel the need for turkey alternatives.
Spoiler alert: Tofurky and Field Roast won. By a lot. They’re my favs, especially Field Roast products, so I’m not surprised.
What I am surprised about: There are six vegan turkey alternatives?! A major daily newspaper is covering this?! Their write-up is nuanced enough to explain why people might say no to dead flesh on the table (health, environment, animal rights) AND to point out that fake turkey has some issues of its own (highly processed, weird ingredients, questionable environmental impact)?!
I’ve never served one of these guys before— last year I stuffed pumpkins with polenta and seitan bourgignon, the year before I made cholent from Veganomicon and a lentil stew, stay tuned for this year’s plans… But I’ve eaten them and I get the appeal. I’m glad they exist. And I’m glad the mainstream world is paying attention to them.
Things are changing. Slowly. Yay! Something to be thankful for!
Ok here are the results (you can see them bigger here):
Agree? Disagree? Tell us below!
Eat new flavors of Coconut Bliss; gain 10,000 pounds! »
Coconut Bliss has four new flavors. I already had a mega-ladyboner for the existing ones, so I flipped at the chance to try them. (Dear Luna & Larry: I would flip at the chance to re-try all the old ones, like, a million times each as well, thanks.) You asked for my thoughts? Oh, you didn’t? Well, TOO BAD:
Lunaberry Swirl: This is your typical crystalline berry-flavored swirl in vanilla base. It’s got blueberries, strawberries, and blackberries without that weird texture that makes berries gross (I hate fruit). The flavor is pretty mild, and the whole experience reminded me of those single-serving ice cream cups with the wooden spoons they’d give you at ice cream socials. Help me out, guys: What were those called? It’s driving me bananas! Fruit joke!
Mocha Maca Crunch: It’s crunchy, all right; my jaw is like the Hulk now. It contains maca (revered by Aztecs or somebody for its energy- and libido-boosting properties), mesquite, coffee, and cocoa nibs. Lucky for me, the coffee flavor was not too strong (I hate coffee; related: I’m an alien). The texture was pleasant, but it could have used a soft swirl (fudge maybe?) to balance out the crunchiness.
Chocolate Walnut Brownie: This has real brownie bits! I’m in heaven! They are gluten-free and soft and chewy! My dream has been realized! Also, I don’t always love chocolate-flavored stuff or even chocolate itself (I know! What is wrong with me?!), so I was pleased that I enjoyed the chocolate base. It’s probably the best chocolate ice cream in the biz, yo.
Ginger Cookie Caramel: This one was the winner. You didn’t know it was a contest? Surprise! Soft, molasses-y, gluten-free cookies pair up with an uber-yummy caramel swirl. The ginger flavor is really strong, so if you don’t like ginger,
you are dead to me you won’t like this. This ice cream brings back memories of that one time I made gingerbread cookies except less disastrous.
Cupcake Blogger (I love/hate that such a category of blogger exists) Rite of Cake challenged a group of 50 women to try vegan and non-vegan cupcakes (A TRUE PEPSI CHALLENGE!) and report back on which one they preferred. Well, see above. BAM, BITCHES!
In even more awesome news, it was a Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World recipe vs. a Martha Stewart recipe. So what it comes down to is that a couple chicks from Brooklyn are better than the Queen of Clean, or whatever her ridiculous nickname is.
Product Review: Miracle Fruit Tablets! »
This is also just basically a how to. HAVE AN AWESOME TIME WITH SOME COOL-ASS CRAZYPANTS BERRIES THAT CHANGE YOUR TASTE BUDS WHAT WHAT.
You will need: these Miracle Fruit tablets. No, they are not LSD, Dad. They are just tablets made to replicate the effect of the miracle fruit. And maybe some LSD WHO KNOWS? Oh wait, and there isn’t a real difference between the tablets and the actual miracle fruit berries so don’t think you’re all better than everyone else if you go the distance and spend the extra scrilla for the berries. Don’t be a dumbass, Moneybags. You will also need your parents. Well, I had my parents because that’s HOW I ROLL. WITH PARENTS. Tell yours, I really get along well with older people! Anywho.
What we did: Um, we took the tablets. Don’t know why I had to get all boldly violent on you just then. Anyway, you just gotta spread the tablets all over your tongue, especially the tip because that’s where the majority of your taste buds are. There is a word that could be substituted in the above sentence and it would be a lot grosser. I leave it to your imagination since this is now a Classy Blog. Next, we waited a couple minutes. Then, we ate hella food. It was great. Lemons, limes, grapefruits, coffee, strong beer (an IPA and/or a stout, preferably), and, of course, Sour Patch Kids.
Grapefruit, lemons and limes just taste like candied versions of themselves. DELICIOUS!
Sour Patch Kids still tasted sour but much less so and covered in sugar with the delightfully appropriate amount of sour and yum. I ate the whole bag and I ain’t ashamed and ANYWAY WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME??
Coffee and beer were just totally free of bitterness. I liked them much better without the strong taste but then, I am a wimp when it comes to bitter things. Drinking the coffee on miracle fruit, I could have sucked down the grounds. GROSS I KNOW RIGHT?
Basically, this is a really fun food thing to do that doesn’t require you be an omnivore. In fact, I heard it doesn’t impact the taste of meat at all really. Well, maybe it’s a little grosser. Yeah, I bet it’s even grosser. Let’s go with that.
I think that’s all from me. I could go into the history of the berry and the ancient shit and wisdom but frankly, we both know that all you give a shit about is how to order this shit as fast as possible and get high off food. DO IT.