Last night on Top Chef: Team Herbivore wins one for the vegans  »

We don’t often write recaps, but the elimination challenge on last night’s episode of Top Chef was Team Carnivore vs. Team Herbivore, so of course we had to tell you about it. You hippies didn’t even know a new season of Top Chef was on, with your no-television-watching ways. It is a good thing we’re here.

The challenge was to make a breakfast for kids and their parents, following the American Museum of Natural History’s annual sleepover. The chefs, who had already been divided into two teams for the previous challenge, were given a choice between cooking as Team T. rex, a carnivorous dinosaur, or Team Brontosaurus, an herbivorous dinosaur. Also the name of a misclassified Apatosaurus, which was first established in 1903 but we collectively ignored that until 1989. Whoops. ANYWAY. The previously winning team chose “T. rex,” you know, because an herbivorous diet is totally scary and limited, oh no.

In the kitchen, the carnivore team had trouble—turned out they were only given animal products! No, Team Carnivore isn’t actually “Team Omnivore Without Produce!” They were shocked to find themselves envious of the Brontosaurs and their bounty,

Of course the Brontosaurs start fucking it up—GNOCCHI? Not a delicious pan-fried potato pie? ASSHOLES. Carla and team-leader SpikeĀ  are making GAZPACHO. For children. Angry Dale and Spike have messed up polenta cake. Stupid stupid stupid, IT IS BREAKFAST.

At the 38-minute mark I realized what was wrong with them: they don’t understand vegan brunch. Where you and I might make sweet potato fries with smokey ketchup, quick seitan for fake bacon and sausage, a fruit crisp, muffins, cinnamon rolls, aguas frescas—they are floundering with lunch ideas.

Brontosaurus team dishes
Fresh corn grits, stewed peppers, salsa verde; Banana parfait with seasonal fruits and maple tandoori (this looked good!); V9 Gazpacho with fruits, vegetables, herbs; and Potato gnocchi with leeks, spinach and mushrooms.

Grits: good; kids: “kinda spicy.” Guest judge Joe Jonas didn’t like the texture. Gnocchi: delicious, great. The gazpacho wasn’t so popular. Shockingly. Because it’s fucking gazpacho for goddamn breakfast! Parfait’s everyone’s favorite, pretty and delicious.

On Team Carnivore, the saddest dish is definitely this “Braised bacon and hard-boiled egg,” chopped egg sprinkled atop a slice of pork belly all thick and gross, sitting in a tawny puddle of “its own juices.” Puke. It does appear the chefs got to use paprika, as there is lots of red powder on things. Also salt, they got salt. The line for Team Carnivore was super-long, but their food looked so gross, all nasty circles of rubbery-looking “frittatas,” ew.

TEAM HERBIVORE WON! And the winning dish was the banana parfait! That was obvious as soon as you saw it: gorgeous and the most breakfasty of all the foods.

Prior to Judge’s Table, Tiffani explained why she chose Team Carnivore: “I assumed, like, T. rex eats everything, Brontosaurus only eats veg; my assumption was we would have access to everything, and [Team Herbivore] would only have access to veg.” Pardon me just a moment: TIFFANI YOU ARE SO DUMB: 1. Learn the definitions of “carnivore” and “herbivore” and 2. SEE? SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU ASSUME “VEGAN” = “LIMITED.”

[images via Bravo]

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