Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday!  »

You guys, I was wrong about only my pride being hurt in my fall down the stairs the other week. Turns out my body lulled me into a false sense of security with this whole “you only twisted your ankle” bit, and then threw me a curveball by taking my back out again. Honestly, I do not know how long I am going to survive, considering how often I’m falling down stairs, having my feet run over by shopping carts, and laying around watching Pawn Stars in an ibuprofen haze (600 mg! Holla!). Actually, the last part is pretty OK, considering that I could be doing much worse TV-wise. I’ve also been swearing a lot more now that scientific studies are telling me that it has a numbing effect and am enjoying flashing the webpages that informed me of this at Allen every time that he informs me that referring to things as “goddamn dinner, fuckers!” instead of saying “I’m hungry” is “not very nice.”

Speaking of Allen, we had our third anniversary last week. Trust me, no one is more surprised that he hasn’t yet murdered me and left me at the bottom of a lake somewhere than me. Instead, he actually bought me a new pair of professional shoes (sensible!) and took me out to dinner at Millennium (delicious!). I hadn’t eaten at Millennium since about 2005 because I am a bigger fan of shiny electronics than food, but goddamn (stop telling me not to swear, mom! It’s numbing my pain!), you guys, it was amazing, and I have the least refined palate in history! The best part of the dinner (besides spending time with my sweet babboo), was our server, Elizabeth, with whom I share an allergy to Codeine, and the table behind us that was made up of four middle-aged men talking about show tunes and bitchy out-of-town guests. I cannot tell you how much I wanted to turn around and screech “OH MY GOD! I ALSO LOVE THAT RECORDING OF FOLLIES!” at them, but making sure that I was not the only one having a good time really sobered me up. God, I hate being in a stable and responsible relationship.

Here’s something else that sobered me up: The comments that I got two weeks ago that suggested that the cow in the “jumping cow” video may have not been unhappy. I have to admit, my first thought was also “man, this video is cute” but changed to “WTF!” the second I saw the riding crop. I see a lot of these kinds of videos, though, and so I thought that this week we could all play a game: Cute, or OFFENSIVE and WRONG.

Our subject is the now-infamous baby-penguin-getting-tickled video. This video is adorable because the penguin seems fairly happy wandering around being cute, but here are my questions: Is it okay to tickle a baby penguin? And does the fact that this penguin is at a zoo cancel out any cuteness inherent to the act of a penguin freaking out by the affection they are receiving? On one hand, sure, penguins need love, but on the other, I see the tag on the penguin’s wing. Seriously? We couldn’t not tag and cage a penguin? Is it really necessary to do that for our amusement? Because here’s my issue: There is no reason for zoos other than to show us animals for amusement at the cost of the animals’ freedom. Therefore, is looking at these cute videos and hoping for more of them morally and/or ethically wrong? I honestly don’t have an answer for that and would love to gear your thoughts. NOW BACK TO THE OUTRAGE!

You know what I’m outraged about today? Butchering. It’s not enough that we have to deal with this whole “happy meat” and “humanely raised and butchered animals” myth (pro-tip: If an animal is butchered for food, it is not humane and they are not happy), but now there is this whole new “woe is me, the Bay Area only has one humane slaughterhouse left. Seriously? Animals are getting killed and your one concern is that we can’t “eat local”? You know what we can eat local? Fruits and vegetable and grains! We can make some delicious food out of that!

I guarantee that if you choose to click on the link and read the article, you will be sure that you are reading something from The Onion. What really does it for me is the fond memories that people have of slaughtering animals. You know what I have fond memories of? Going to Disneyland! Who in their right mind not only has fond memories of a hog-slaughter, but then decides to actually talk about it to the press? That is not even a thing! Just a quick reminder: Kissing your boyfriend on Space Mountain is a fond memory that you can tell your grandchildren about. Watching a hog defecate as its throat is slit, pumping geysers of blood into the air, should never be considered a fond memory.*

You know what, though? You don’t even need to have fond memories about butchering when you can take part at a Butcher Party. What continues to be wrong with people? Who decided that this was a good idea? The article mentions that one of the events featured a real gallows where dead animals hung by their necks and manipulated goat heads greeted the patrons! Delightful! Who needs a garden party or a barbecue when you can rent out a butcher to show you how to best desecrate a corpse! Way to go, humanity! Each week I think we can’t get any lower and each week you say “You know, Mark, there’s this thing on the internet…”

That’s it for this week! Send me links for next week and have a butcher-free Wednesday!

*Yes, this image is taken directly from Carrie.


You just buy a bag of fucking carrots and you eat them the way you’d normally eat a package of hotdogs, okay?

Why is it that fake news is the best news? DON’T ANSWER THAT!



"Jockey Liam Hollins the Favorite to Brutually Whip Horse to Kentucky Derby Win!"

Ah, The Onion. It’s funny ‘cause it’s true! Also, it’s super fucking sad because it’s true! 


Ah, The Onion. You make-a me laugh.

Ah, The Onion. You make-a me laugh.


“ I told my teammates that the stakes were high, because if Zebro had lost, I would have either electrocuted him, drowned him, or slammed his body to the ground until he was dead,” Vick added. “How is that not inspiring? „

Michael Vick Fails To Inspire Team With ‘Great’ Dogfighting Story. <3 The Onion.

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