Review: Serrano’s Pizza  »

Hello, let’s talk about California pizza. By which I do not mean, “let’s have an argument about East Coast vs. West Coast or thick vs. thin crust.” That won’t get anyone anywhere, least of all this review underway.

At Serrano’s you will find the only edible pizza outside the Eastern time zone—though according to the logo, at Serrano’s it’s always pizza o’clock!—with plentiful toppings and spicy fresh sauce that they will ladle on extra for no charge. You will not find any vegan cheese, or fancy vegan options, but you will find people who have never once messed up my order, because they listen to their customers when they say things like NO CHEESE. You will also find my favorite cheeseless toppings combination, the “Art & Tom Terrific,” comprising artichoke hearts, fresh garlic, and sliced fresh tomatoes. What? Yes, baked all deliciously on top of a big mound of spicy, fucking zesty marinara sauce and a perfect crust.

A word about “Chicago-style” pizza, or as some might call it, crust aberration. Chicago-style pizza is ridiculous: I don’t want to hear about the merits of Zachary’s or Little Star; they and their double-crust triple-cheese wonderlands are ridiculous. Thank goodness Serrano’s knows what to do with a crust (which is not “make a pizza sandwich out of it”).

Do not mess around with other, inferior pizza delivery places in the area. They will disappoint, and you will be sad, and then you will come back to Vegansauraus and read this review of Serrano’s and it will say “I told you, other places are a mistake!” Serrano’s or switch cuisines! Then you’ll feel even sorrier for yourself, as you chew on the enormous hunk of congealed dough some pizzerias around here try to pass off as “crust.” But truly, the best measure of Serrano’s (Serrano’s’s? Serranos’s’?) success is that their slices cold the next day are as good as they were when you got them hot and fresh. San Francisco, you cannot get better delivery than this pizza.

[photo of pizza that while vegan is not Serrano’s by shil]


Review: Beretta!  »

Beretta is totally fucking awesome. It’s chic, although I hate using that word because it basically negates its meaning. It’s like the word “classy”. Nothing that’s classy can be described with the word “classy.” AM I RIGHT OR WHAT? Beretta is hip, it’s the ALL RIGHT OUTTASIGHT BEST! Inside, you can sit at the bar, or at a long communal table in the middle, or at a personal table. If it’s warm out, you can sit outside along 23rd Street. Even if it’s not terribly warm, they have heating lamps and you own a jacket, you live in fucking San Francisco. They make insane cocktails—some of the bartenders formerly worked at the Tenderloin’s classy Bourbon and Branch—many of which include absinthe! I love it! My favorite is the Dolores Park Swizzle, which is made with rum, lime, maraschino, absinthe and bitters. It’s served on a mountain of crushed ice. It’s the perfect alcoholic beverage. Or you might choose to indulge in a Hemingway, which is white rum, lime, cane syrup, maraschino and grapefruit! Just thinking about their outrageous drink menu, I want to start drinking at 1:30 p.m. on a Monday. Jesus, take the wheel!

Now, all that’s fine and dandy. Great location in the heart of the Mission, super-sleek interior, outside drinking of amazing drinks but WHAT ELSE, VEGANSAURUS? WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THIS PLACE? SURELY A PLACE SO PRETENTIOUS-SEEMING AND BOURGIE WILL HAVE NOTHING FOR OUR PEOPLE! And that’s where I say, YOU ARE WRONG AND ALSO A JUDGMENTAL JERK I THINK I LOVE YOU! Because Beretta serves up some of the best thin-crust pizza in town MADE WITH VEGAN CHEESE (!!!) AND VEGAN SAUSAGE!!! A recent addition to their menu, we vegans must partake of it in mass quantities so that they know it was worth it! And it is! Because it’s DELICIOUS! I got the potato, rosemary, radicchio, and gorgonzola dolce, sub vegan mozzarella for the gorgonzola and add vegan sausage! HELLO AMAZING CHEESY POTATO SAUSAGE PIZZA! You can substitute vegan cheese FOR FREE on any pizza that already has cheese. Love that! In a world that STILL charges 50 cents when you sub soy milk, WTF?!, this switching cheese for vegan cheese thing is just totally wonderful. I think the vegan cheese is Teese but it might be Follow Your Heart; it’s high-quality. They can make almost all of their appetizers vegan too. Try the persimmon salad and the brussels sprouts, both fantastic.

I really love Beretta. It is now about five steps from my front door (I’m employing hyperbole, but it’s close) and so I plan to be there pretty much every night once the pile of money I’m expecting to land on my face arrives later this afternoon. I’m incredibly excited about Beretta and I want to scream it from the rooftops, I want to dress as a bear and set myself on fire and run down Market Street, screaming its name! Or write about it on Vegansaurus! It was a coin toss, a Russian Roulette if you will. You guys lose, so this is your review. BYE!!!

[photos via yelp]

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