Ami bones in America! HOLLER!!!  »

Oh happy day!!! Ami bones are now being sold at! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?! We don’t have to rely on those damn Brits (who are a culturally rich and adorable people) to get them from Italy for us anymore! Is this all over your head? Let me break it down for you because I’M THE NICEST KID EVER!

My dog Figaro likes him some chews. If your dog likes biscuits, you jerks got plenty o’ options. But vegan chews…they’re hard to come by. I mean, you’ve got several sweet potato chews to pick from but really, they take a measly five minutes for Fig to get through (though now he thinks he’s too good for them, goddamn princess) (actually it’s OK because he is just regulating his own weight for me! For real, I asked the vet why he wasn’t finishing his food and she seriously gave me Fig’s internal monologue: “Hmm, I think I’ve had enough calories today.” Who knew he was so reasonable?! Not the wino on the corner he snaps at on the daily! It’s so cute, I’m the only alcoholic he puts up with).

Then one day I found this super-dope website,, that has ALL KINDS of vegan dog chews! Frickin’ hedgehogs and crocodiles—it’s a damn vegan chew jungle! They also sold Ami bones—VEGAN dog bones! Yeah, so, problem: these bones are from Italy. It’s not that I hate Italians, it’s that they just didn’t sell them in god-blessed America. See, is a BRITISH site, and it’s not that I hate Brits, it’s that shipping is STUPID expensive. But I did it, people; I got fed up with not having good chews for the Notorious F.I.G. and totally ordered a crapload of the various chews all the way from the UK. It cost like U.S. $80 BILLION in shipping! I AM NOT EXAGGERATING! VERY MUCH!

Still: the chews went over really well; they probs didn’t last as long as a rawhide does maybe but rawhide is DANGEROUS FOR YOUR DOG! AND ANIMALS WITH SKIN! And Fig totally liked the veggiepet chews. They were just SO expensive to ship. Like, never-do-it-again expensive. Now, however, we can at least get the Ami variety from! This is like basically a victory for all Americans. God bless us, every one.

[photo illustration by Megan Rascal!]

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