Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday!  »

You guys, work is really stressing me out. I am going to spend most of my half-day off catching up on horrible paperwork and I am dreading it already, as I would prefer to spend the day eating bonbons and playing Super Mario Galaxy. When I am bummed like this, there is only one thing that makes me feel better (well, two, but crystal meth is pretty expensive on my salary), so after Allen picked me up from work we went to the gym and did water Zumba for an hour. Here are the reasons I like water Zumba: first of all, Zumba is like this horrifying campy mix of boxing, salsa, and belly-dancing that is all about being fun and taking itself too seriously at the same time. Second of all, when I am doing any kind of aquatic fitness activity it is all limbs and grunts and I look like I am having a panic attack mixed with a seizure and everyone is silently backing away and holding their hands over their mouths in shock and mortification. You take all of this and add a whole bunch of amazing middle-aged ladies just shaking their stuff and doing water acrobatics in a circle at the end and Allen wading around assuring people that I’m OK and that no one needs to call 911 and everyone’s having a good time!

I don’t feel that I am doing a good job explaining this, so let me show you with this cartoon of Narwhals just tearing shit up in the water. Quick question: are Narwhals even real or what? They are sea animals with horns! They fight polar bears! They have a catchy song about how awesome they are that will be stuck in my head for the next two weeks and will not be able to sleep because as soon as I close my eyes all I hear is that amazing techno beat taunting me with the millions of fantastic qualities Narwhals have that I will never achieve. Fun story: my friend Stephanie took me to some kind of Etsy craft fair a couple of months ago and one of the activities they had was making stuffed Narwhals out of felt and cloth. I was super drunk at this point (and had been eating so many cookies and cake pops—cake pops!!—that I was almost in a sugar coma) that the only thing I could do was supervise by yelling “give the Narwhal a huge schlong!” while twirling around and laughing. in the end, the Narwhal had a giant appendage and I spent the rest of the evening showing everyone my Narwhal which I was wearing as a necklace. True story.

Narwhals not doing it for you? You want to go for more conventional? Fine! How about these mother-loving kittens being DJ Heroes?

[Can’t see the video? Watch it on]
They’re not even playing it on the Wii, you guys! They are on real-life decks just spinning like there is no tomorrow and meowing out sweet musical beats. I know a little bit about being a DJ (read: Laura and I spend a lot of time on [Ed.; YEAH WE HAVE! And Megan Rascal told us about it so mad props to DJ My Lil’ Pony!] when someone is a hot act. And let me tell you, three kittens fucking it up on a couple of turntables is just what the club scene needs. I don’t generally go to clubs because I hate people and dancing and lights and music, but I would be there to see these kittens and break my neck (that is DJ lingo for “bop my head”) to the rhythms they’re putting out.

Kittens don’t do it for you? Why? Did your soul break? Perhaps you should have it repaired. Oh, you like dogs? You like dogs that make you go WTF? You like English dogs that make you go “huh?” Let me introduce you to Sophie, then. Let’s see what’s up now! Adorable or terrifying? You tell me!

That’s all for this week! Please send me links for next week and have the best Wednesday of your life!

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