vegansaurus!

11/26/2008

Recipe: Slow cooker pumpkin bread pudding!  »

So my mom gave me a Crockpot like five years ago and it sat in storage because I’M NOT 40 AND LIVING IN DES MOINES. I had no need for a slow cooker when my life was on speed boil! There was no time to slow down in the fast lane that was MY LIFE! No man, woman, beast or slow cooker could stop the train wreck that was my life.

But that was then and this is now. I’m now 30 which is the new 40 and baby, I’m TIRED. All I want to do is sit around and watch reruns of Mama’s Family and eat bonbons. Oh and SLOW COOK! I love it! I’m ADDICTED! I got The Simple Little Vegan Slow Cooker Book and it’s changing my life. Before getting the slow cooker, my autobiography title frontrunners were One Foot in the Grave, the Laura B Story; It Is a Gift, That Is Why They Call It the Present: The Laura B Story; and Deadly Beauty, the Laura B Story. Now those have all been tossed aside in favor of Laura B: Always Be Slow Cooking. Seriously, I’ve made two meals a day since I’ve busted it out again. Do you know how hard that is to do in a SLOW cooker?? Anyway, I’ve perfected everything from appe-teasers to soups to salads to antipasti to main course to, now, DESSERT. I’ve come up with the perfect vegan Thanksgiving dessert for you ungrateful SOBs! So, read below and please remember me this Thanksgiving, Laura Beck. A girl who lives each day like it’s her rocking last. In the slow lane.

VEGAN PUMPKIN BREAD PUDDING, Crockpot-style!
Ingredients!

3½ cups Silk Nog, Pumpkin Spice Silk or soy, almond, rice milk! Mix them up, go crazy!
¼ cup bourbon (ow!)
1 16oz. can of pumpkin
1 cup brown sugar
2 tsp. vanilla
1 tsp. cinnamon
¼ tsp. nutmeg
¼ tsp. cloves (PLEASE NOTE: If you don’t have all these fancy spices, just buy a cheapy thing of pumpkin pie spice and sub it for all of them! Delicious!)
½ tsp. salt
1 Tbsp. Earth Balance
1 loaf bread (about 8 cups)
½ cup raisins (optional, of course. you might think raisins are nasty. you would be right in most cases but I like them in bread pudding!)
½ cup chocolate chips (optional if you don’t like delicious!)

Instructions!
So basically all you do is cut up the bread into cubes. You grease your Crockpot with the Earth Balance and then put 4 cups of bread at the bottom. Next, put the Silk Nog (or whatever) into a saucepan and bring to a soft boil and then immediately remove from the stove to cool a little. In a mixing bowl, mix the pumpkin, bourbon (ow! what! I’m 12!), sugar, vanilla, spices, and salt. Then take the slightly cooled Silk Nog (or whatever) and stir it into the boozy pumpkin mixture. Next, pour some of the mixture over the 4 cups of bread in the slow cooker. Push the bread down so that it’s covered. Next, put in the rest of the bread and pour the remaining mixture over the top. Make sure everything is covered and put the covered slow cooker on low for 2½ to 3 hours. If you want extra deliciousness you can stir in chocolate chips halfway through cooking! Basically, you know it’s done when it’s firm and bouncy like a good bread pudding. Serve with vegan whipped cream or soy cream. OR COOKIE DOUGH COCONUT ICE CREAM FROM TURTLE ISLAND (as pictured! It’s amazing! Also, please excuse my picture for looking like a pile of doggie crapola! Mea culpa!)

That’s all! Not hurry and get to slow cooking! And Happy Thanksgiving from our dysfunctional family to yours on this horrible, shameful holiday! There is nothing like two wars, an economic crisis and millions of turkeys being slaughtered to remind you to be proud of our great American heritage on this day of days! And don’t forget to stuff yourself silly and rape the earth a little because that’s what this holiday’s really about anyway, right?

Man, I am a psycho downer. I really do love Thanksgiving. But I have such huge gross white liberal guilt. I’m gonna go wrestle this out with myself in a corner right now. In vegan Jell-O. I have like 20 boxes. Don’t ask. Anyway, bye! Happy Thanksgiving!!!

10/14/2008

Product review: Purely Decadent Coconut Ice Cream!  »


Look at that picture! There was delicious vegan ice cream inside the coconuts all along, and it took the geniuses who work at Purely Decadent on faraway Turtle Mountain to discover it!

These guys are so smart! They cornered the market on vegan cookie dough ice cream before anybody else. Seriously, this is probably my most wished-for ice cream flavor ever, and it is such a no-brainer! Why did it take this long?

Regardless, I’m glad they waited, because coconuts make the best ice cream and I can’t imagine cookie dough would go as well with soy. This stuff is soft, rich, creamy, delicious, all those things.

I think maybe it tastes like dairy but I don’t really remember what dairy tastes like. It might even be good for you, but I only read the ingredients, not the “Nutrition” “Facts.” It’s gluten-free, too, which made me slightly wary at first, but it’s not gross at all in that gluten-free way. It’s gross in the way you stuff your face with it.

Their competitors at Coconut Bliss (also very very delicious) had better look out, because this stuff is comparably good, and cheaper, too.

I can’t get over it—all this time! Ice cream! INSIDE the coconuts! Where do these grow? On which island paradise? Once I find it, that’s where I’ll be, cavorting with the natives and lazily plucking ice cream coconuts from the trees whenever the mood strikes. Look for me there, I’ll be the one cavorting!

[photo illo by the author

10/01/2008

Product review: So Delicious coconut yogurt!  »

Well, the philanthropist geniuses over at Turtle Mountain are at it again!* Having brought us delicious soy yogurts and soy creams for years, they now bring something to the market I’ve never had before, COCONUT YOGURT. And it’s good. It’s REAL good. That was meant to sound slightly creepy.

Flavors currently available are vanilla—THE VERY BEST, eat this all the time! Eat it alone, put it on granola, top it with berries, pour it on your genitals, WHATEVER IT TAKES JUST GET IT INTO YOUR BODY; plain—good but probably best as a base for a sauce or in cakes, etc.; blueberry—delicious blueberry yogurt; raspberry—delicious raspberry yogurt; and then some more adventurous mixes that involve mango and passion fruit and whatnot that are decent, but I am not one for tropical-flavored anything, it always tastes like tropical-fruit-flavored Skittles, which always tasted like gross to me. But I ain’t the boss of you, maybe you like gross!

I’ve only seen these for sale at Whole Foods, Rainbow Grocery (where one day I hope to be buried in the baked goods section), and other specialty health food stores, and they are around $2 for a 6oz container (roughly 150 calories, depending on the flavor). Oh and vegans, each serving has 30 percent of your daily intake for B12! What what!

*I know, this expression is super-obnoxious, I just can’t help myself! I love how it sounds!

[photo via So Delicious]

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