Happy Vegina Day! »
Here at Vegansaurus, we love V-Day! We know there’s a lot of haterz out there. And rightly so! Who the hell was St. Valentine anyway? We have no idea!
But we do know that we love what V-Day is REALLY all about, it’s Hallmark-Catholic unholy alliance origins be damned: Vegans, Vaginas, Vegetables. That said, here’s your guide to V(egansaurus) Day!
Despite their deeply offensive meat-based nicknames (fish tacos? roast beef?) (why, I never!), both penis and vagina are 100 percent vegan (deep-fried seitan tacos! Tofurkey lunch slices!).
NOT AS BASIC BUT STILL BASIC!
Birth control pills? Not vegan. Condoms? BE CAREFUL! That’s not to say we don’t advocate birth control, because we do, fools! If you happen to not be careful, though, do not ask us whether abortions are vegan or not. WE HAVE NO IDEA. THAT IS A COMPLEX MORAL QUESTION!
No seriously: While Trojan still does make gross lambskin condoms that are made out of real animal membrane (I think using these should be counted as bestiality and necrophilia together it’s so nasty), some latex condoms have milk protein in them. And it’s not man-milk! So do some research, folks! There look to be some good ones here.
OK, SAFETY IS BORING. ON TO THE ORGASMS!
Unless you’re really into dry-humping, chances are you might like to purchase some lube at some point in your life. The bad news is that lubes can contain lots of weird shit that is bad for your vegina and bad for the animals that are sometimes squeezed into those tubes. The good news is that apparently everyone out there is obsessed with having anal sex, because there are a TON of lubes for you to chose from! Personally, I’ve had some great times with a bottle of Liquid Silk. You can buy it a Good Vibrations online or throughout the Bay Area; their helpful staff will be happy to tell you which lubes are animal-free, as well as which is the best for your junk. You can also check out the selection at The Sensual Vegan.
WHEN MAN-MEAT JUST DON’T CUT IT!
I have no idea which dildos and vibrators are vegan and which are not. Holy fuck this stuff is complicated. I just pulled these up from a Google search. Any of you vegan perverts want to enlighten us? Please take advantage (shut up, not in THAT way) of our comments section.
Oh, and ALSO. What do you people think about sex toys that have animal faces on them? I think it’s fucking weird, but if you want a vegan rabbit in your rabbit hutch, then whatevs—I won’t judge.
These are just wrong. So, so wrong.
Most dungeonmasters like to use leather straps and silk ropes for their hogtying and Japanese rope bondage. That SUCKS for vegans! After all, just because vegans are nice to animals doesn’t mean they have to be nice to people. People are assholes! And way more fun to beat than puppies! While Sensual Vegan is pretty light on the heavy bondage and sadism, the totally non-threatening-sounding Extreme Restraints offers a variety of cute, animal-free restraints, which are curiously mostly in pink.
And, if you’re all alone for V-Day, you can check out Veg Porn, which isn’t this, despite what you might think. Veg Porn’s motto is “Eat Pussy Not Pork.” Ha! Hahaha! And the site features pictures of people who don’t eat meat bearing their meat. Judging from some of the pictures, that was probably the only qualification for models (OK OK, that’s actually just a mean way of saying that they have representatives from a variety of body types and personal styles among their 32 models—SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE! EVEN YOU, PERVERT!). And, it’s all PC and non-exploitative and stuff, so you might not even be able to rub one out to it. But hey, who are we to judge?! After all, we’re the losers looking at internet porn instead of enjoying an authentic and meaningful physical experience with someone we care about.
Vegan Red Velvet Pancakes. Perfect for Valentine’s Day or any day ending in a y, like my dad likes to joke. My dad is HILARIOUS!
VALENTINE’S DAY CHOCOLATES ON SUPER SALE AT RAINBOW. Only $6.99 for a bunch. These are normally like ridiculously expensive and they’re TASTY. It’s where all the sale shit is at Rainbow, kinda opposite the bulk olives.
Comes with a cute red ribbon around it but that’s gone because we celebrate Valentine’s Day early around these parts.
V-Day Dance: The V stands for VEGAN!!!! »
I don’t mean to be the resident pessimist here, but Valentine’s Day is just one of those holidays that has the tendency to be a total bummer. And I’m not just talking about the hopelessly in-love couples with the cliched, sickening, we-met-at-Dolores-Park-because-I-was-wearing-my-new-ultra-gaudy-neon-American-Apparel-leggings-and-matching-scrunchie-when-he-rode-by-on-his-fixie-and-it-was-love-at-first-sight story who make the rest of us feel like shit for being alone. I mean, that’s just one aspect of it. But then take, say, the pounds and pounds of pink-and-red-foil-wrapped, heart-shaped chocolate on display at your local grocery store. Yeah, can’t eat it. And that’s just for starters.
So for those of you looking for something to do that weekend, well, why not a Valentine’s Day DANCE?! Yeah, sure, it’s totally kitschy and might stir up some long-repressed and entirely unwanted memories of adolescent dances and all the awkwardness that accompanied them, but seriously, what else are you going to do (aside from camping out on the couch and watching Meg Ryan/Tom Hanks movies while pigging out on Oreos and vegan ice cream and feeling sorry for yourself)??!!!?! BESIDES, IT’S FOR A GOOD CAUSE.
Included in the price of your ticket are all sorts of vegan treats—there will be hors d’oeuvres and desserts—including baked goods from Vegansaurus friends Sugar Beat Sweets and Fat Bottom Bakery!!—and raffle tickets and goody bags. Plus, two single vegans will be auctioned off for dates, and they’re pretty cute (check out the website for pictures and details, and please direct all comments on how cute the cat in the picture with Brian is to me because he’s MINE [the cat, not Brian]). Plus, there’s dancing, and music, and if you haven’t seen me dance, you’re missing out because I pretty much own you all on the dance floor. OH, AND DID I MENTION?! OPEN BAR. That’s right. And if you’re not yet 21, no worries, because you can just give all your free alcohol to me. PROBLEM SOLVED.
So here comes the rough part—it’s a $50 price tag for this event. BUT, proceeds from the event will benefit Vegan Outreach so if it turns out to be a total bust, at least you can feel good about yourself for being altruistic or something.
And lucky for you, Vegan Outreach is giving away a pair of tickets to this dance for you and a guest of your choosing, be it your significant other, a hot date, a blind date, your best friend, your little sister, your dog/cat/hamster, or me (HEY GUYS, I’M SINGLE SLASH AWESOME). All you have to do is share the best surprise you’ve given or received on Valentine’s Day or some other special momentous day, and if your story is picked, you get in free. You can do that on the Facebook page for the event.
And just a tip: If your life is full of completely boring, unromantic moments like mine, just lie, because seriously, no one will know the difference.
Vegansaurus’s sexy Valentine’s Day vegan dining guide! »
Giving you the gift of game, part 1.
It’s a vegan cliché to go here for a special event, but take it up a notch by booking a table at the Aphrodisiac Dinner (next month’s is February 15), along with a room at the adjoining Hotel California.
While Greens is guilty of a more old-school, covered-in-butter, ’70s-style of vegetarian cooking, it’s so gorgeous you may just have to put up with it. Greens is offering an $88 prix fixe menu on V-Day (double the price of their normal prix fixe menu) but if you want to drop the cash while admiring the ocean (and the good looks of your date), be sure to call ahead to make sure you can actually eat something.
Another restaurant that you can also parlay into an overnight hotel rendez-vous (it’s inside the Hotel Carlton ), Saha is a small plates, Middle Eastern restaurant that’s vegan-friendly. They even feature that holy grail: a vegan dessert at a non-vegan restaurant.
Yes, you can eat the same genre of food cheaper at Udupi Palace paces away but it’s Valentine’s Day, not Tuesday night takeout. It’s time to have some class with your potato-stuffed pancake and array of chutneys. Expect a long wait. Remove some of the class you just earned by going to the liquor store across the street and drinking on the sidewalk.
In the erstwhile Last Supper Club space, Beretta has only recently started catering to vegans in a real way by offering vegan cheese (we think it’s Teese) and vegan sausage on their tasty thin-crust pizzas. They also have an excellent drink menu. This would be a nice V-Day option for a “special friend” or someone you just started dating who you don’t want to freak out. It’s nice, but it’s still casual.
The Front Porch
A Vegansaurus Favorite, the sexy Front Porch rarely disappoints (and if they do, they are very nice about it and will continue to push French fries on you). They have a daily rotating vegan special and wine in a box! No prix fixe, but they say they’ll have some special treats on the menu. As with Dosa, expect to wait for your table.
Restaurants With Explicitly Labeled Vegetarian Options for V-Day That We Haven’t Been To:
Cafe Majestic: ($70 prix fixe vegetarian menu)
Maharani ($42 vegetarian menu)
Mission Beach Cafe ($75 five-course dinner with champagne toast. OpenTable also says there will be vegan options, but no menu on the website yet!)
Know of any other restaurants offering veg options on Valentine’s Day? Any other nice restaurants that you’d recommend? Leave it in the comments!