Review: Ananda Fuara!  »

Ananda Fuara is run by a cult! Who cares? They are not creepy. They are a peaceful cult comprising some sweet folks who love to weight-lift and eat healthy, delicious vegetarian food. Frankly, I know more than one fat-ass who might benefit from such a lifestyle. And yes, I’m talking about me. And also you, Sir Fatty Fatton of Fattinshire.

Pet peeve no. 52: When meat-eaters complain about vegetarians and vegans eating fake meat. It’s like, MORONS, we are not vegetarian or vegan because we don’t like the taste of meat, we are vegetarian or vegan because we don’t want to EAT DEAD ANIMALS. Fucking figure it out. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist. Or even a person of average intelligence. My friend’s autistic brother who only communicates through a keyboard gets it. I just don’t understand WHY YOU DON’T?!?!

That being said, I rarely eat fake meat products here. I just wanted to bitch because it’s what Lauras do best. Actually, that and sex. Ask your dad. LAURA!

The daily rotating curries, soups (always dal and one other, usually vegan) and salads (try the Infinite Blue, vegan; it’s hot rice stir-fry over a bed of greens and I know that sounds kinda like the funk but trust. There are some days when only hot rice salad will make you want to get out of bed. I call those days Tuesdays.) are what Ananda Fuara does best and I’ve never once been disappointed. The vegan baked goods are always amazing, some of the best I’ve ever had. Make sure to check the glass case and get several of each to go. The peanut butter krinkle is basically cornflakes dipped in choco-peanut butter mixture and then set out to dry. You can either eat it or use it to exfoliate. Either way, divine.

I would be a total jerky asshole not to mention the most magical thing that is sometimes on the menu, the VEGAN BEEF STROGANOFF special. OH HOLY HELL. This shit is off the HEEZY! I had the meat-eaters at my table begging for release from its jaws of deliciousness. If you are in San Francisco tomorrow, call ahead to see if it’s the special and if it is, don’t make the biggest mistake of your life and not go. I don’t care if you got pregnant at 13 and gave the baby to Appalachian mountain people to raise and now her name is Darlene and she has three teeth and uses them to skin raccoons for eatin’ (YOUR VERY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD SKINS RACCOONS WITH HER TEETH! SORRY, TEEF!). Missing out on this beef stroganoff is worse. It is THE WORST.

In closing, I would like to issue a public challenge to the peaceful, adorable and motivational cult leader, Sri Chinmoy. This man is a competitive heavy-lifter and has set many world records. This is a man who has lifted elephants, Great Pumpkins and platforms filled with fat people INTO THE AIR. I would like to challenge him to lift me above his head with one hand and then to throw me into the air so that I might complete the Triple Lindy (yes, the same one the late, great Rodney Dangerfield made famous in the classic Back to School) and land on a gigantic trampoline made specifically for this purpose. Once I land on the trampoline, I will swan-dive into a gigantic cake of the flavor and shape of my choosing. This will take place on top of the Eiffel Tower on May 25, 2009. I eagerly await the response from Chinmoy’s camp. This offer will self-destruct in 24 hours.

[ananda fuara photos via the restaurant]

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