Hello, friends! It’s WTF Wednesday!  »

Halloween falls on a Sunday this year. This is a dilemma! Do I go out Saturday night and spend it drunk out of my mind screaming “BUON GIORNO! OLIVE GARDEN!” at strangers, or do I do the same thing on Sunday? Except sober. Because I have to work on Monday. I hate being an adult. Remember how awesome we thought being an adult would be? Staying up late! Candy for breakfast! All the TV and hookers we wanted! What a rip-off. It’s all work and crying and begging your parents to help pay your rent because no one will pay you $1 million an hour while your boyfriend checks himself for bedbugs with a flashlight. And NOW THEY MAKE HALLOWEEN FALL ON A SUNDAY! It’s a conspiracy! Well, I’ll show you, world! You think I won’t show up to work two hours late on Monday, hung over and still dressed like a low-rent Super Mario? Well then you’ve got another think coming.

Which reminds me, I am totally going to be Super Mario for Halloween this year. Allen and I went as Mario and Luigi last year, but then I got frustrated with all the spirit gum on my face (just thinking about it makes me shudder) and demanded we go home and order pizza (as I had accidentally splattered the slice I had bought earlier all over a friend I was drunkenly hugging in the street). We were going to go as the Bananas in Pajamas this year, but Allen refuses to admit that I came up with the idea for the costume, and I refuse to give Allen credit for anything (because I am the brains here, goddammit!) so we are going as the Mario Brothers again. Complete with white gloves that Allen’s father got from a pair of funeral directors who left them at his church. After a funeral. Because they were free. This is how we roll.

Speaking of dressing up, though, I want to warn you of a couple of things so you have a safe and happy halloween.

Think carefully before dressing your dog/cat/three-toed sloth up to show your friends and impress your neighbors. I’m not judging—I once tried to dress my hamster as an Oreo cookie, and I was always forcing my rabbit into ugly holiday sweaters—but it can actually have psychological consequences. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s pretty plausible. I mean, if we feel humiliated AT HOME wearing those awful sweaters our great-aunts knit us, then imagine how a dog feels being paraded around dressed like a fucking sunflower. Some dogs, of course love to dress up and show off, but some don’t. According to some animal behavior experts, dogs don’t like to stand out due to their wolf heritage because wolves who stand out in a pack are more prone to being attacked. Who knew there was an evolutionary aversion to being dressed up like a magical fairy princess?

Of course the potential for humiliation didn’t stop these people at Tompkins Square Park in New York City! They dressed their dogs up in all sorts of amazing get-ups and if you believe by the pictures, everyone is having a pretty awesome time. Especially the dogs dressed as bed bugs. Topical AND terrifying: exactly what halloween should be. I’m sorry, stop the presses: there was an Antoine DOGson?

Here’s another don’t: Don’t give your trick-or-treaters beef jerky. I know none of us were going to do it, but apparently some beef jerky isn’t just hazardous to your health because you are eating the dead flesh of a suffering animal, but because they are filled with chunks of plastic and glass! Surprise! Target had to recall over 3,000 pounds of the beef jerky! No injuries have been reported, but I was hoping Target would have learned their lesson when the same company, Market Pantry, was part of that pesky egg recall a couple of months back. I don’t know why Target is taking Aaliyah’s advice so enthusiastically, but I wish they would stop.

Two more important notes about costumes:
1. Don’t dress up as Elmo and swear at people, because there is already a dude doing this in Times Square. Apparently he is harassing people, and making tourists faint with outrage because he is asking them to pay for pictures with him. Why do people from the Midwest (that is correct: I went there) assume that these people dress up in hot smelly costumes just for fun? It is a job. This reminds me of the one time I was at Fisherman’s Wharf and was waiting for the bus when a tourist tapped me on the shoulder and said “Hi honey, I don’t think you noticed…but there’s a line.”
“I don’t think that we have lines here.” I said, because I have been body-checked by tiny grandmothers on the 38 long enough to know that MUNI is an insane free-for-all where an elderly woman with 15 pink shopping bags will kick you for being “too fat to sit here, BOY!”
“We have lines in Ohio!” She said. “So it would be real nice if you respected that. You think you can do that?” I decided not to fight her and got behind her and she still talked about how rude I was the entire time and about how “we need to educate these San Francisco people to be more civilized.” I am obviously still not over it.

2. Don’t dress your child up as a “Vegetarian Noodle Bowl.” I’m not hating on the idea. A vegetarian bowl of noodles? DELICIOUS! A vegetarian costume? AWESOME! I hope the execution is just as awesome as the inspiration…oh, what a disappointment.

HOLD THAT THOUGHT! Here is an awesome vegan costume! That’s right! Vegan Police T-shirts! Well-made, attractive, and hilarious. Send me 20. I’ll put them on with my Lt. Dangle short-shorts and paint this town BLEACH BLONDE! (Sun-In really, but I didn’t think it would scan.)

Have an awesome Wednesday and an even more awesome halloween! Please send me ideas for next week!

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