Give yourself the gift of a DOWNER  »

I know not everyone watches as much TV as I do so I’m not sure if you’ve all seen the latest KFC commercial.* It’s a peach. Just kidding, it’s crazy! They tell you to “give yourself the gift of time,” this holiday by getting their $19.99 “Festive Feast” for your special dinner. They want you to make a TRADITION out of it. Dudes, that’s fucking TRAGIC. I can only imagine that you would only buy this meal for Christmas or your holiday of choice if you really had to because you can’t cook and can’t afford anything else. That is such a downer, KFC. Like I said, TRAGIC. It’s especially a tragedy considering the cost of KFC to your health and the planet is way more than $19.99.

This is my favorite scene in the commercial:

They have this winter wonderland thing going on with snow and all and then this giant snowball drops down! But wait! That’s not a snowball! Gross.

The truth is that you don’t have to eat KFC’s “feast.” If you have no money and aren’t the best cook, you can still make a great family meal. Actually, in my family, on Christmas eve our traditional meal is spaghetti! Spaghetti is cheap! Math time! Let’s look at the figures:

Walgreens sells Barilla spaghetti (16 oz.) for $1.59 and Ragu pasta sauce at two jars for $3; that’s $4.59 with extra sauce to boot! They also have garlic salt for $.99 and olive oil for $3.49, and my corner store sells french bread for $.99; for $5.47 you’ve got garlic bread (with plenty of olive oil left over). For vegan meatballs, I’m afraid you won’t have any luck at Walgreens—though in SF and NYC, you might find some at your corner store (we live like liquor store kings!). has Nate’s meatless meatballs for $5.29 so I’d imagine they’d be priced similarly at the grocery store. All together, that’s $15.35 and you’ve got sauce, olive oil, garlic salt, and probably meatballs left over. BOOM! Yummier and cheaper than the KFC meal!

So this year, give yourself the gift of spaghetti! Yay!

*That link is probably temporary. But see it now!


Ami bones in America! HOLLER!!!  »

Oh happy day!!! Ami bones are now being sold at! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?! We don’t have to rely on those damn Brits (who are a culturally rich and adorable people) to get them from Italy for us anymore! Is this all over your head? Let me break it down for you because I’M THE NICEST KID EVER!

My dog Figaro likes him some chews. If your dog likes biscuits, you jerks got plenty o’ options. But vegan chews…they’re hard to come by. I mean, you’ve got several sweet potato chews to pick from but really, they take a measly five minutes for Fig to get through (though now he thinks he’s too good for them, goddamn princess) (actually it’s OK because he is just regulating his own weight for me! For real, I asked the vet why he wasn’t finishing his food and she seriously gave me Fig’s internal monologue: “Hmm, I think I’ve had enough calories today.” Who knew he was so reasonable?! Not the wino on the corner he snaps at on the daily! It’s so cute, I’m the only alcoholic he puts up with).

Then one day I found this super-dope website,, that has ALL KINDS of vegan dog chews! Frickin’ hedgehogs and crocodiles—it’s a damn vegan chew jungle! They also sold Ami bones—VEGAN dog bones! Yeah, so, problem: these bones are from Italy. It’s not that I hate Italians, it’s that they just didn’t sell them in god-blessed America. See, is a BRITISH site, and it’s not that I hate Brits, it’s that shipping is STUPID expensive. But I did it, people; I got fed up with not having good chews for the Notorious F.I.G. and totally ordered a crapload of the various chews all the way from the UK. It cost like U.S. $80 BILLION in shipping! I AM NOT EXAGGERATING! VERY MUCH!

Still: the chews went over really well; they probs didn’t last as long as a rawhide does maybe but rawhide is DANGEROUS FOR YOUR DOG! AND ANIMALS WITH SKIN! And Fig totally liked the veggiepet chews. They were just SO expensive to ship. Like, never-do-it-again expensive. Now, however, we can at least get the Ami variety from! This is like basically a victory for all Americans. God bless us, every one.

[photo illustration by Megan Rascal!]

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