Make it: the famous Farmhouse veggie burger, VEGANIZED!  »

I love veggie burgers personally and professionally, so when I say this is the best veggie burger I’ve ever had, you better believe this veganized Farmhouse veggie burger is the best veggie burger you’ve never eaten. Unfortunately, the original recipe isn’t vegan, but with one small substitute, it can be yours! And that one substitute is Daiya cheddar (or any shredded vegan cheese, but Daiya is comes shredded and I’m already working for this burger, you know? Why the extra work?). Then, just follow the recipe as is and BAM, PERFECT VEGAN VEGGIE BURGER. Well, I’ve never actually MADE the burger (details!) but the friends who made them and invited me over said that they did just as the recipe said, subbed Daiya, and roasted the cubed eggplant at 400 F for about 20 to 25 minutes with olive oil sprayed on it, because sauteing takes longer and we gots to eat!

Seriously, make these, and serve them to your friends and family on crusty rolls with Wildwood’s garlic aioli, roasted red peppers, and caramelized onions. OR just eat it straight out of the pan, which is what I did. And then I deglazed the pan and ate that with a spoon because I’m the grossest. YOU’RE WELCOME!

Incidentally, I played Bananagrams for the first time last night. What fun! I need more of that in my life; we all do. Life is short, there’s no such thing as too many veggie burgers and too much Bananagrams. PEEL!image
[Note: I did not take this photo, but your burger will look something like that. If it doesn’t, you really fucked up.] 


Bake gluten-free: xgfx did all the work, so you don’t have to!  »

The cutie-pie gluten-free bakers over at xgfx have taken it upon themselves to experiment with the new King Arthur flour gluten-free baking mixes! They have attempted the challenge of finding the right ratio of egg- and dairy-replacements required for VEGANIZATION of each mix! I don’t know nearly enough about gluten-free baking, BUT what I do know is after reading their review and subsequent recipes, I am definitely going to be making this pizza. I will also become a master vegan, gluten-free baker after reading this! I love xgfx!
VEGAN AND GLUTEN-FREE?! If that’s Daiya cheese (which I know it is), does that mean it’s soy-free as well? It’s like, anyone could eat it.

[Photos via]


Rice Krispies treat Easter eggs! Veganize it, biznatches!  »

I saw this saccharine Rice Krispies commercial showing a mom and some kids making these Rice Krispies treat Easter eggs and despite the ridic commercial, I totally want to make them! I am a product of this society SUE ME! You’d just have to substitute in some Sweet & Saras and Organic Earth Balance. Blammo! And for the filling, you could use some Whizzers instead of M&Ms. Bang! You could even fill them with vegan jelly beans if you like that sort of thing. Pow!

Any kid who wouldn’t prefer these over a hard-boiled egg is one to worry about. Has anyone already made these before?



KFC to unleash the Double Down sandwich, we celebrate by cracking the code  »

Over at The Consumerist, they’ve been following KFC’s new (and revolting) Double Down sandwich. In case you’re new to the story, the Double Down is a bacon and cheese sandwich, with two slabs of fried chicken replacing the bread, and a mystery yellow substance they’re calling “The Colonel’s Sauce” (a name that implies more intimacy with the Colonel than, we hope, is actually involved). After months of rumors and marketing teasers, the Double Down is finally real, with a scheduled release date of Monday, Apr. 12 at a KFC near you.

As vegans, we’re of course bound by blood oath to be outraged by meat surrounded by meat and drizzled in dairy, especially when mass-produced by a megacorp dedicated to poisoning as many people worldwide as possible. But sometimes something is just too ridiculous to hate, and like a game of culinary marry-fuck-kill, we saw the Double Down and chose “fuck.” So with that, I present:

The Vegan Double Down

It’s actually good! And by “good” I mean “not good.” Or a word that means a mix of good and not-good, where “not good” describes how you feel after downing this fistful of instant regret. Here’s how you can make your own and share my suffering. You know you want one.

First thing’s first. Start by getting your kitchen stocked with vegan substitutes.

  • Gardein Lightly Seasoned Chick’n Scallopini
  • Lightlife Smart Bacon
  • Follow Your Heart Vegenaise
  • Energ-G Egg Replacer
  • Earth Balance Natural Shortening
  • Follow Your Heart Monterey Jack

You can replace the shortening with canola oil or even Crisco, if you feel like taking your life into your hands. Before doing anything else, I fried up about six pieces of Smart Bacon, and thinly sliced the Follow Your Heart Monterey Jack using a mandolin. If you don’t have a mandolin, a cheese slicer will do the trick, or a sharp kitchen knife if you’re really patient. You should also thaw out the Gardein patties, which are usually kept frozen.

The Colonel’s Sauce
No one has any idea what’s in this stuff, so I basically went for “yellow”. 

  • 4 Tbsp Vegenaise
  • 1 tsp mustard
  • 1 tsp agave nectar
  • 1 tsp turmeric

Mix it up until it looks yellow. Adjust as needed.

KFC’s 11 Secret Herbs and Spices
The actual recipe is a closely guarded secret, but this is close enough. I adapted the recipe from with vegan substitutes where needed.

  • 1 Tbsp sage
  • 1 tsp ginger root
  • 1 Tbsp rosemary
  • 1 Tbsp oregano
  • 1 tsp marjoram
  • 1 tsp black pepper
  • 1 tsp chili powder or cayenne
  • 1½ tsp thyme
  • 2 Tbsp garlic salt, or mix 1 Tbsp salt + 1 Tbsp garlic granules
  • 2 Tbsp onion salt, or mix 1 Tbsp salt + 1 Tbsp onion granules
  • 3 Tbsp dried parsley
  • 3 Tbsp brown sugar
  • 2 Tbsp powdered vegetable bullion from Rapunzel, or any vegan “chicken-flavored” bullion.
  • 1 pack of McCormick Thick & Zesty Spaghetti Sauce Mix (available at Safeway), or 1 packet of any vegan tomato powdered instant soup.

Grind into a fine powder using a food processor or blender, and set aside.

Making the batter and deep-frying it all up

  • 3 Tbsp Ener-G egg replacer
  • 4 Tbsp water
  • 1 Tbsp canola oil
  • ½ cup unsweetened, plain soy milk
  • 1 cup all-purpose flour

In a mixing bowl, beat together the egg replacer, water, canola oil, and soy milk. This is your “eggs and milk” batter.

Now is a good time to get your deep-frying apparatus into gear. If you own a deep fryer, you know what you’re doing here. For everyone else: melt the whole box of Earth Balance shortening in a wok or cast-iron pan on medium heat. Top it up with canola oil if the pool of oil isn’t deep enough.

Next, thoroughly mix together the flour with the “secret” herb and spice mix that you made earlier. Spread out the flour mix onto a long sheet of baking paper.

You basically want to coat the living hell out of the Gardein patties, then deep fry them until your kitchen smells like KFC. So: take a patty, dip it in the batter, then roll it in the flour/spices until it’s completely coated. Then take the same patty and repeat; you want to coat the coating.

Finally, drop in your patty and deep-fry it for a few minutes, until golden brown. You can test out your oil beforehand with a small glob of batter and flour. You really don’t want to cook them for too long!

Putting it all together then nomming the shit out of that
Now you’re ready to assemble your Vegan Double Down: two slabs of fried fake chicken, stuffed with fake bacon, fake cheese, and fake “Colonel’s Sauce”. Make it look pretty.

You will eat about half of this before realizing what a mistake it’s been. But until that moment, it will taste like sweet, deep-fried heaven.


Recipe: Vegan Pop Tarts!  »

If you’re like me, or any vegan I know really, one of the things you’re constantly lamenting not being able to eat is Pop Tarts! Well, here’s a recipe that might just rock your world like it did mine! No, seriously.

This recipe makes six generous-sized Pop Tarts; however, considering the time I put into making these, I would suggest doubling or tripling the recipe (particularly if you’re a Pop Tart fiend) or you’ll eat them all in like, a day, and then be bummed you have to make your kitchen messy all over again.

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 cup butter substitute
1/4 cup soy milk

1 jar of fruit preserves, your choice (I used blueberry because blueberry is the best, duh)

1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
1 Tbsp. fruit preserves
1 Tbsp. soy milk

Preheat the oven to 450 F. Line a baking sheet with PARCHMENT PAPER and not aluminum foil, otherwise your pastries will stick like a motherfucker.
In a large bowl, mix the flour and salt. Add the butter substitute by cutting it in with a fork, or your hands, or whatever works. Once the consistency is crumbly, add in the soy milk bit by bit until the dough becomes more doughy, but not too mixed.

Now take a cutting board and douse it in flour. Since you’ll be rolling the dough out until it’s nearly the consistency of phyllo dough, you’re going to want liberal amounts of flour at hand so you don’t mess it up like I kept doing. Use whatever method is best for you to create 12 rectangles that are the same size. If you’re bad at math and shapes like I am, it’s handy to have an appropriately-sized mold or tray at hand to be your guide.

Once the rectangles are made, transfer them onto your baking sheet. Take the preserves and apply them to each of the six squares, leaving room around the border. The first time through I put way too much in the center of each one and it was just messy (think like when you’re making burritos at home and you put in too much filling and after your first bite half your burrito filling ends up in your lap -it’s like that). In this case, less is more. When finished, place the six remaining rectangles on top and pinch the edges together until they’re closed around the edges.
Bake for seven to 10 minutes, but if your oven is especially dysfunctional like mine is, go for a bit longer. When done, put them on the stovetop to cool for 15 minutes.
Meanwhile, mix together the icing ingredients (HINT: This is the best part), and when the pop tarts have cooled, spread it on top. They might look messy BUT TRUST ME THEY TASTE LIKE HEAVEN. Let them sit until they’ve cooled completely. Then you can A) re-toast and devour them B) freeze them and take out when you want to eat them later C) send some to me!

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