Happy Vegina Day! »
Here at Vegansaurus, we love V-Day! We know there’s a lot of haterz out there. And rightly so! Who the hell was St. Valentine anyway? We have no idea!
But we do know that we love what V-Day is REALLY all about, it’s Hallmark-Catholic unholy alliance origins be damned: Vegans, Vaginas, Vegetables. That said, here’s your guide to V(egansaurus) Day!
Despite their deeply offensive meat-based nicknames (fish tacos? roast beef?) (why, I never!), both penis and vagina are 100 percent vegan (deep-fried seitan tacos! Tofurkey lunch slices!).
NOT AS BASIC BUT STILL BASIC!
Birth control pills? Not vegan. Condoms? BE CAREFUL! That’s not to say we don’t advocate birth control, because we do, fools! If you happen to not be careful, though, do not ask us whether abortions are vegan or not. WE HAVE NO IDEA. THAT IS A COMPLEX MORAL QUESTION!
No seriously: While Trojan still does make gross lambskin condoms that are made out of real animal membrane (I think using these should be counted as bestiality and necrophilia together it’s so nasty), some latex condoms have milk protein in them. And it’s not man-milk! So do some research, folks! There look to be some good ones here.
OK, SAFETY IS BORING. ON TO THE ORGASMS!
Unless you’re really into dry-humping, chances are you might like to purchase some lube at some point in your life. The bad news is that lubes can contain lots of weird shit that is bad for your vegina and bad for the animals that are sometimes squeezed into those tubes. The good news is that apparently everyone out there is obsessed with having anal sex, because there are a TON of lubes for you to chose from! Personally, I’ve had some great times with a bottle of Liquid Silk. You can buy it a Good Vibrations online or throughout the Bay Area; their helpful staff will be happy to tell you which lubes are animal-free, as well as which is the best for your junk. You can also check out the selection at The Sensual Vegan.
WHEN MAN-MEAT JUST DON’T CUT IT!
I have no idea which dildos and vibrators are vegan and which are not. Holy fuck this stuff is complicated. I just pulled these up from a Google search. Any of you vegan perverts want to enlighten us? Please take advantage (shut up, not in THAT way) of our comments section.
Oh, and ALSO. What do you people think about sex toys that have animal faces on them? I think it’s fucking weird, but if you want a vegan rabbit in your rabbit hutch, then whatevs—I won’t judge.
These are just wrong. So, so wrong.
Most dungeonmasters like to use leather straps and silk ropes for their hogtying and Japanese rope bondage. That SUCKS for vegans! After all, just because vegans are nice to animals doesn’t mean they have to be nice to people. People are assholes! And way more fun to beat than puppies! While Sensual Vegan is pretty light on the heavy bondage and sadism, the totally non-threatening-sounding Extreme Restraints offers a variety of cute, animal-free restraints, which are curiously mostly in pink.
And, if you’re all alone for V-Day, you can check out Veg Porn, which isn’t this, despite what you might think. Veg Porn’s motto is “Eat Pussy Not Pork.” Ha! Hahaha! And the site features pictures of people who don’t eat meat bearing their meat. Judging from some of the pictures, that was probably the only qualification for models (OK OK, that’s actually just a mean way of saying that they have representatives from a variety of body types and personal styles among their 32 models—SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE! EVEN YOU, PERVERT!). And, it’s all PC and non-exploitative and stuff, so you might not even be able to rub one out to it. But hey, who are we to judge?! After all, we’re the losers looking at internet porn instead of enjoying an authentic and meaningful physical experience with someone we care about.